A Ramble about Blinking Cursors

I'm sitting here staring at a blinking cursor as it expects me to come up with something to write so it can fulfill its purpose in life. It has no other purpose than to tell me where the letters are going to go, and to tell me where it is I'm going to put the next letters I write. It does not praise me when I write, neither does it condemn me when I don't, it just waits patiently and expectantly. That is its function and it is happy to fulfill it. It does not care if what I write is witty. It does not care if it is passionate, intelligent, inane, or dull. It is there to be the instrument of my creativity, and it is happy to do so. It doesn't come up with anything on its own. It waits for me to do that. It only seeks to be my vessel, never going farther than what I intend, nor resisting my input.

If it should decide to print things which I did not type, then it would be malfunctioning, and I would have to make corrections involving the delete or backspace key. If it decided not to print things which I did type, then it would be malfunctioning, and I would have to find a solution to the problem (generally involving either a reboot, a reinstallation, or at worst a new computer).

In short, the blinking cursor is humble, obedient, takes no thought for what it wants, and waits to act on my slightest whim.

I'm not a blinking cursor. Sometimes I feel like a blank page, with nothing to say, or not knowing what to say. But I'm not a blinking cursor. I usually have very strong opinions about what should be written, or what shouldn't be. I often write what was not intended, and almost as often don't write what was. I don't wait patiently and expectantly. In short, I am malfunctioning and require at the least a reboot on a consistent basis.

It's ironic, if I had to reboot my computer as much as I myself need to be rebooted I would generally either reinstall the software, or replace the computer (depending on the issues involved). But I don't get replaced. I haven't gotten reinstalled. I just keep getting rebooted, and I keep getting worked with as is, malfunction and all.

If anyone could judge me, it would be the blinking cursor in front of me. Yet it makes no judgments. I certainly do. This is part of my malfunction. Instead of allowing what should or should not be written to be decided by the author, I decide for myself what should or should not be written and then I presume to decide it for others as well. This is what was written or not written before, therefore it should be the same every time for every person. I make a poor cursor not permitting the imagination or creativity of the author.

We can learn a lot about following Christ from just considering the blinking cursor in front of us. He was a good blinking cursor. He wanted us to follow His example.

A Ramble about Meditating

My Bishop recently asked me an insightful question, "do you meditate in the presence of God, or do you meditate to be in the presence of God. The first is of the heart, the second is of the self." This has been on my mind ever since reading it.

The truth is that when I began my attempts at meditation, it was to experience the presence of God for myself in a controlled setting. Something I could replicate again and again. Without thinking about it, I was basically conducting experiments on God like a lab rat. There really isn't any wonder as to why it became harder and harder after a while, and why He seemed so distant.

God surrounds and fills me. He is the foundation of all existance, and there isn't anywhere I can go where He isn't present. I know that in my head. But it was my perception of this or lack thereof which was driving my "experimentation." God surrounds me and I experience Him all the time without recognizing Him for who He is. This is a problem of my own perception, not a lack of His presence. It is a lack of my own awareness and mindfulness (or watchfulness as in the Orthodox tradition). It is therefore possible to experience His presence both in the prayer room and driving our van. Both when saying Mass and when doing the dishes. There are some actions which help one to focus on His presence, but they do not control His presence.

I know that He is in everything. The hard part isn't the knowing, it's the realizing.

A Ramble about Dreams

Lately, I've been having dreams that are really hard to come out of. I suppose it's normal for everyone to experience this at one point in time or another. The dream remains the reality for a short period of time after "waking up".

During this period of time, I can remember almost everything which happened in the dream as though it had happened in reality yesterday, but as the waking moment goes on, it gets lost as reality takes over my senses.

One observation I've made is that the "I" which I experience in the dream, is never the same "I" which I experience in reality. His memories are different, his experiences are different, and who he is as a person is often different. His reality is made up of pieces of the same experiences which make up mine, but arranged in a completely different way. I do things in my dreams which I would never do in my waking state. Things which disturb and at times horrify me. But it is "me" doing them. It is not the "me" I and others are most familiar with, it is a different combination of "me", but it is "me" nonetheless. These disturbing things are a different combination of the elements which combine to form "I". In another reality, maybe in another time and place, the "I" I am most familiar with would be the one in a particular dream, and the "I" I am now would be the discrepancy.

This makes me think about the truth that the "I" which I know and the "I" which I dream are only composites of my experiences arranged in different ways. Somehow, I am self-aware in both states, and I am capable of decision making in both states even though the factors I use to make those decisions are composited differently. Even though the other "I" may be a stranger as far as experiences yet I know that I am one and the same with him.

This leads me to the conclusion that whether or not I maintain the same experiences and decisions there is some kind of a "mind" which maintains my self-awareness as distinct from all others independent of the experiences and memories, or the pieces thereof, which composite the person who "I" am that I am most familiar with. In reality, I recognize that I am married and have children, and I know who that person is to whom I am married. When I am dreaming, I do not always remember this fact, or if I do, the person to whom I am married can change, yet I perceive no discrepancy, or error in the change. When I wake, I often feel guilty about this, even though there was nothing abnormal perceived in the dream.

I have spoken before of the "I and Thou" distinction between God and myself (or any other created being for that matter) and how eventually this is what we will face without the memories and experiences and possessions with which we identify ourselves. In the dream, this distinction is preserved, even if the "I" is totally different. It is therefore this "mind" which must be converted to the acceptance and recognition of God, apart from everything else with which I identify myself.

I will explore the ramifications of this truth at a later time...

A Ramble about the Humility of God

As I have struggled through meditation, I had found it harder and harder to reach the point of awareness of His presence. I fought through, but each time it became harder, and then for several weeks, it seemed completely fruitless. I struggled, I cried out internally, and nothing.

I felt lost and confused. Why had He slipped through my fingers when I reached out to grasp Him? Didn't He want me coming closer to Him? Where was He? I knew He surrounded me, I knew that He was in everything and everywhere and that there was nowhere I could go where He was not. So why did I feel so cut off?

He told me.

I sought control of Him. I sought the awareness of His presence in order to change myself into something "better". I sought union with Him to advance my own twisted reason and to propitiate my fear of being less than by "being better than" spiritually. He refused to be a part of my self-seeking and self-advancement. It was as simple as that.

I have a deep seated fear that everyone else is better than I am in some way, and my psyche seems to react by trying to, consciously or unconsciously, be better than everyone else. I seek to control and manipulate everything around me to achieve the acquisition of my own desires or illusions. Whether it be the desire for a certain object such as a DVD or book, or the illusion of seeing myself as a good or spiritual person. I sought to run from what I am, and to become something I am not. Instead of accepting myself as myself, warts and all, I was rejecting myself in favor of a pleasant delusion. Instead of embracing the cross, I was running from it yelling "I embrace you!"

When I realized this, I sat in silence. And then I became aware of His presence. It was not imposing. He was not overwhelming. He was quiet. He was soft, and gentle. He was concerned, and it felt as when a friend of mine was giving me a hug from behind. As I dwelt on this I became aware of the stark contrast between Him and myself and the disdain which this controlling part of myself felt for His "softness". This part of me was hard, proud, dominating, and the total antithesis of Him. It honestly didn't know what to do with Him. God in this manner did not force Himself on me, but waited for me to sit still. He did not strike me as awe-inspiring, but "lowly".

God felt no need to prove or show His dominance to me. Almighty God was as soft and gentle as, well... a small animal. I don't know why, but that is the term which comes to mind. I wanted the awareness of the presence of God, and instead of awe-inspiring power, I got soft and gentle like someone's toothless old great-grandfather.

As I said above, this hard controlling part of me didn't know what to do with it. It felt, well... pathetic actually, and totally uncontrolling, even though I knew He had full control of everything. And then my thoughts drifted onto His humility. It's not an aspect of God which we often think about or preach on.

He surrounds us constantly, yet most of the time makes no visible effort to remind us of that fact. We often ignore Him far more than anyone else and talk about Him as if He weren't in the room with us. Even we who profess not only belief and faith in Him, but also love, often go whole days not even noticing Him or acting as if He were present. He doesn't respond in anger. He doesn't seek to prove how much better than we are He is. He lets us go, and takes no offense. He who has ultimate control chooses not to wield it in that way. And here I who have no real control over anything am seeking to control Him for my own selfish means.

I suppose that the real first step in a relationship is to really notice the other person, instead of going throughout the day pretending that they don't exist except for your own selfish goals. It's to really see them for who they are, and not for what you can get out of them.

Unlike myself, God is totally devoid of pride and selfish ambition. When I became aware of His presence in this way, I realized how truly ridiculous my own hardness was, and how maligning it was especially to Him.

A Ramble about Self-Acceptance

I'm not who I want to be. I'm not who I think I should be. I'm not who I think others want me to be. I'm not who I think others think I should be. As I was meditating today, and saying a Private Mass which is my daily practice, I struggled and searched for why I felt, and have been feeling so cut off lately. Why haven't I been able to experience the Being of God, His love and joy, when He surrounds and fills me and is never apart from me?

I have a real issue with needing the approval or recognition of others. It's funny, because I never really thought I cared about what others thought, but the truth is that what I perceive as others' perceptions about me colors how I perceive myself. As a result, I also have an issue with vanity. Unconsciously I think "Oh look at me, see now who I am and what I can do. Don't you approve of me now?" And try as I might against it consciously, I seek higher or more prestigious positions; I stress out about how much money I make and how I am presented to others. In other words, I struggle because I identify myself with my perception of others' perceptions, whether or not my perception is accurate.

As I meditate, a lot of extraneous thoughts come into my mind. My first thought is to reject them. For instance, as I attempted to let go, a scene from the recent Star Trek movie flashed through my mind. It was innocent, and totally benign, but I immediately condemned myself for it happening. I think my unconscious thought was something like, "no, I must reject all of this waste and condemn it."

Now here's the issue, what constitutes all of my identity is effectively that waste. Not that I only and totally identify myself with Star Trek, but that it is a part of a larger whole of memories and experiences, preferences, dislikes, hopes, fears, etc, all of which in themselves are quite transient and will eventually be destroyed when this physical being dies, but in themselves for the moment are a mixture of moral, immoral, and amoral. Now my rejection of what I see as immoral or waste within me is based on the erroneous idea that the good will be preserved and the bad will be destroyed when in fact it will all be destroyed upon physical death, and the only thing remaining will be the distinction between I and God, and His all-consuming love.

Now here's the answer to my question, "why do I feel so cut off from God when He surrounds me?" Because I am projecting my perception of myself onto what I perceive He thinks of me. It seems like this happens on a subconscious level, because with my conscious mind I acknowledge that God loves me, and I Him and I seek that love, but I allow the darkness which comes from judging myself to obscure my perception of Him.

With God, I have been joined to Jesus Christ in His death and resurrection. This is a fact. All the "waste" has already died, and the wages of sin, being death, are in fact satisfied. The only thing remaining to go is the physical body. He therefore passes no judgment on it because it has already been judged on the cross. That which has died has been freed from sin. He neither indulges it, nor condemns it, but accepts it and lets it die peacefully.

This is why I have felt so cut off. I have not accepted my self without judgment, nor have I let it die peacefully, and I have allowed this lack of acceptance, this non-zero attitude (I don't know why but the idea comes into my head that +1 is indulgence and -1 is condemnation), to be projected onto God, onto others, and to erupt into attempts to "prove" how worthy I am, or how spiritual, or how good, or even how I might be better than the other person being secretly fearful that I am worse.

Perhaps this is why sin leads to hell, always. And hell doesn't have to be after we die, it is a fact of the living as well as the dead. Sin is a non-zero attitude towards ourselves and it projects our perceptions of ourselves onto everyone else, including and especially God, and this perception is fear whether we know it or not. All the while, God surrounds us with His Being of love. Our ability to recognize that is dependent on our ability to let go of that fear, and stop projecting our perceptions onto Him.

St. Paul said in Romans 8:1 - "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit." I think, quite possibly that this is part of what he meant. Not that God condemns the person in actuality but that we project our own subconscious self-condemnation onto Him, whereas the person who lets the self die peacefully with Christ, neither indulging nor condemning, realizes the ever-present and all-consuming love of God and his perception isn't clouded by the darkness of self-judgment.

The Love of God

God's love is who He is. When we interact with God, we interact with His love. When we experience the bliss of the Eternal Life, or the fires of Gehenna; whether we are comforted in our sorrow, rebuked in our errors, or purged through fire, we are encountering the love of God. The only thing which changes throughout all of these experiences, is ourselves and how we perceive Him and encounter His love. This all penetrating, all-consuming love surrounds us and fills and penetrates us, because He surrounds us fills and penetrates us. God has no other mode of operation. He is love.

Why then can we experience Hell? Because of His love. The Fires of Gehenna are what we experience when we all we encounter is this all consuming devastating love and instead turn towards physical and transient cravings and desires which leave one continuously craving for more. The fires of Gehenna are what we experience when we refuse to let go of our fears and delusions of control and just accept His all consuming love on His terms. His all-consuming devastating love for us is also an all-consuming devastating hatred for the sin malfunction which afflicts every one of us, in the same way that the parent of a child with a disorder loves that child fiercely while at the same time curses and fiercely hates the child's affliction.

God does not move, we do. His love does not move, it is always there because He is always there. Why then do we not always feel it? The answer is that we do, but do not always understand what we are feeling, or we ignore it for the impermanent and relatively meaningless things our senses are telling us. We don't slow down long enough to pay attention to what is right in front of us.

The Love of God feels harsh at times, just like my love for my children feels harsh to them when they disobey. I hate their disobedience because I love them fiercely and I have a particular vision of the kind of people they can be if not for their disobedience. I want them to always experience my love in a positive way, but that depends on their perception, and I know that my love can't waver even if they have a misperception of it.

The love of God is purifying, and it can be painful in its purification as it burns away everything we still grasp for and crave. This is why a purgatory and a hell often feel the same, the difference between them is our response to this devastating and terrible Love. The difference between a purging and a damnation is literally whether we are willing to surrender to the Love of God and let go of all else.

He rages because He is love. He burns away all that we desire because He is love. He hates because He is love. He is still, unmoving, uncompromising, and unwavering because He is love. He comforts, encourages, pushes us onwards, and is unrelenting because He is love.

The love of God is devastating, terrible, and terrifying in its power, scope, and absoluteness. In the face of such love, we can either surrender and be enraptured and consumed by it, or be destroyed with all else we cling to.

Yet Another Ramble

As I've been meditating, I've noticed that, while the practice itself is relatively simple, understanding and actually fighting my way through it each day is not. Truth is, I come away with feeling a little fried by the end of it. It however hasn't been fruitless, just difficult. This is something I gleaned from it recently;

We will either die now, or we will die later. Either we suffer the loss of our selves now, or we will suffer it later.

Our intelligence, our experiences, our fears, our desires and appetites, our wealth and possessions, our family and friends -- when we die we lose all of these things, because when the physical brain dies, so dies everything housed within it, and all that remains is the sense of distinction, the "I and you," between myself and God and all other people. Some of this can be seen with Alzheimer's patients, for example.

This will happen whether we choose to cooperate or not. The Path of Jesus Christ is the choice to cooperate with the release of these things now, in this life, in surrender and abandonment to God.

The pain of death comes with the loss of everything we are attached to. In death, these things are consumed before our eyes, and we are drawn back into the love and life of God, retaining the distinction between He and us, but losing all else.

For the worldly person, this process is terrifying. Because of his attachments, as he is drawn into union with God, he goes into Eternal Misery because he refuses to let go. He doesn't want to be united with God, he wants to be an individual ego, and burns with craving for things he can no longer experience. The love of God becomes an eternal torment for that person, as he refuses to accept it.

For the Godly person, this process is welcome, and rest, and returning home as he accepts and enjoys the love and being of God.

Living the Eternal Life is seeking this release in the here and now by abandoning attachments to one's ego, possessions, and relationships -- becoming one with Christ in His death -- and as the obstacles to the love of God and union with Him are removed, we realize and experience that we are surrounded and filled with Him, wrapped and full of His love. And as this occurs, then His love pours out and through us.

No one comes to the Father without first voluntarily making the Cross of Jesus Christ his or her own. No one. No one experiences the life of Jesus Christ, without first experiencing His death within themselves; and as His death becomes more and more manifest within us, so then His life becomes more and more manifest within us.

Ultimately, we will die, one way or the other. This is the reality of human existence. We can choose to begin the process of letting go of everything now, and welcoming the full experience of God when it comes; or we can choose to lie to ourselves, hang on to everything we can, and then have it all ripped away in eternal misery. It's our choice.

A Ramble about Identities

I've spent more time in meditation lately. I don't know if anyone has had this experience, but the more time I spend in meditation, the harder it gets. What I mean is that it seems to take longer to achieve the point I'm trying to achieve.

In meditation, I've been focusing on pulling away from my self. And I've been learning about what that self really is. In short, my self is everything I identify my self with. Where I was born, what I have studied, what my fears are, what my hopes are, even what my habits are at the grocery store. For example, I identify my self by the fact that I study Greek. I identify myself by the fact that I am a bit necrophobic. I identify my self by the fact that whenever I go to the store, I usually pick up a candy bar and/or a drink. I identify my self by the fact that I'm a priest, a daddy, a husband, and I identify myself by my fear of failure. All of these things are facts, and I have locked on to them for who I believe my self to be.

In the Christian life, we are to let all these things go and identify our selves with only one thing, the cross of Jesus Christ, and consequently, His death. I am finding that my own psyche rebels against this. When I first began to meditate and let go of these other things that I identify my self with, I had a very physical panic reaction. As I push for this, and attempt to incorporate it into my daily life and thought of just letting these things go, I find myself psychologically and physiologically stressed. My psyche doesn't want to let go of what it perceives as itself.

The Buddha taught that self was an illusion, that it was nothing more than the aggregation of our minds, bodies, and experiences (more or less, I'm simplifying it here), and that it was the realization of this which led to enlightenment. I'm more and more coming to the opinion that freedom in Christ truly comes only when we fully let go of this illusion of our self, this clinging to certain facts about "this person" for a self-identification. The facts don't change, but we stop allowing them to define who "this person" is. True freedom in Christ comes when we identify with one fact only, His death on the cross.

I say that this is the only fact we may identify with. What about the resurrection? We cannot identify with the resurrection, until we have identified with the cross. One cannot resurrect when he hasn't died. To attempt to identify with the resurrection without the cross, without the struggle to let one's self go, is a self-delusion. It's the psyche trying to parade itself as renewed and transformed when it is no such thing. The cross means death, and the psyche panics and runs from it in sheer self-preservation when it realizes what the cross really means, and it is an act of Grace, and can only be an act of Grace, God's uncreated energy, which enables "this person" to continue on this path of the cross.

It is a true statement that I have died with Christ by being joined to Him through Baptism. The struggle of the Christian life, and our "enlightenment" is the full realization of this fact within our own psyches.

A Ramble about Holy Eucharist

If you're like me, you not only have a computer, but sometimes it seems like it's surgically attached to your hand. When I get bored sometimes I start rearranging the Desktop on my computer. I change the themes, the icons, and also rearrange the icons which start the different applications directly from the Desktop.

I don't really need these icons, or application launchers if you prefer. Most of them sit unused on my screen as I don't use the programs they represent that often. On my wife's computer screen hordes of these icons just sit and we have to periodically clean it off. On Windows, you don't really get a choice as to whether or not they're there, when you install a program it parks one or more of these little pictures right on the Desktop for you to admire it in all its glory. Screen real estate gets eaten up pretty fast this way. It's so much of a problem on Windows that the later versions of that Operating System have a handy tool to remove the ones you don't generally use.

As annoying as these little icons can be, they actually serve a very handy and useful function for the programs you use most of the time. Remember way back in the day when Dinosaurs ruled the earth and most average cavemen ran some version of what was called DOS on their computers? There was no friendly picture display. You actually had to know where the program's executable was on your computer. If you wanted to run say a program called "program.exe", for example, you would likely have to type something like "C:\folder1\folder2\program.exe" at the command line. Thankfully, graphical user interfaces were invented.

These days, a similar approach if you didn't have any launchers would be to dig through the file browser. For example, if you had to launch MS Word, you'd have to continuously click folders in the file browser called Explorer until you reached a file called "WINWORD.exe". It would look something like C:\ -> Program Files -> Microsoft Office -> Office13 -> winword.exe.

Enter the desktop shortcut or application launcher. A lot of folks probably think these are the actual programs themselves, but they're not. They's little files assigned a picture and tied to the program they represent with the address of where that file is located on your computer. That way you don't have to go digging for it and you don't have to know more about the workings of your computer's file system than you really want to. You just click it and do what you need to do. They aren't the actual programs, but they might as well be for most people and for all practicality they serve the same purpose. They have no real purpose apart from the program they're tied to, but because they are tied to that program they become powerful yet simple little tools.

The death of Jesus Christ on the Cross was the one great final sacrifice for all mankind. This is agreed upon by every Christian denomination and the acceptance of this fact is the most basic belief of the Church, however the Church's theologians debate it. The Scriptures and the Tradition of the Church dictate that one must partake of the Sacrifice of Jesus Christ in some way in order to receive salvation. This is true for any denomination, irregardless of how this is interpreted by the individual denomination's theology.

There is a little known fact about sacrifices in the ancient world. In order for a sacrifice to be considered valid, you had to physically eat it. Under the Mosaic law as found in the first five books of the Bible, nearly every sacrifice, including Passover sacrifices, sin sacrifices, peace offerings, and others had to be either eaten or cremated, and in most cases both was preferred. In one place in the book of Numbers, Moses gets after Aaron in a big way for not eating the sacrifice, but cremating it only and Aaron has to explain himself. In ancient Greek culture, the same thing was expected in sacrifices to their gods, especially the Olympian twelve. A sacrifice was not considered valid or complete unless someone had eaten it. This is actually the reason why the eating of meat offered to idols was such a problem issue for Paul to have to explain to the Greek speaking churches in his letters.

So, if Jesus' death on the cross was a sacrifice, and this was the ancient understanding of sacrifices, what does that mean? In order for His death to be considered a valid and genuine sacrifice, to partake in His sacrifice means to physically eat His flesh. He knew this and so did the people of His day. The people in John who questioned how they were supposed to eat His flesh and drink His blood didn't misunderstand Him. He meant what He said and they knew it, and it probably appalled them a little. Human sacrifices hadn't been practiced for centuries in that part of the world, and then only by pagan cultures which had been deliberately destroyed for that reason among many.

So, there was a problem. How was Jesus supposed to be a valid sacrifice for everyone who partakes of Him, when eating human beings was, and still is, culturally and morally abhorrent. And how was His sacrifice supposed to be made available for everyone who believes in Him long after the fact, especially after the resurrection?

Jesus Himself told us that solution. On the night He was betrayed, He took bread blessed it, broke it and gave it to His students saying, "this is My Body which is broken for you." In the same way He took the cup, blessed it and gave it to His students saying, "this is My Blood of the covenant which is shed for you and for many for the remission of sins. Do this in memory of Me."

This has been a point of division among Church theologians for centuries now. The ancient view was undebated, they accepted what Jesus said at face value and defended it without reservation. All those who refused to accept that the bread and wine were His Body and Blood were excommunicated as heretics. It was that serious to them. These days, many churches hold differing views ranging from the literal body and blood of Christ to only a representation of the body and blood of Christ. Such views hold names like transsubstantiation, consubstantiation, and others. The central debate is the fact that once blessed, the bread and wine remain, to all experience of the senses, bread and wine. They don't look any different and they don't taste any different. Certainly not like the metallic taste of human blood, or the taste of human flesh.

I'm going to run the risk of being yelled at and posit that the bread and wine was a similar solution to the application launcher. The bread and wine themselves are in fact just bread and wine until they are fundamentally linked to the one sacrifice of Jesus Christ on the cross. This link which crosses time and space to one event in history keeps us from having to develop time travel and physically eat the dead body of Jesus Christ. It allows us to partake in His sacrifice in a real and powerful way under circumstances which would render it otherwise impossible to access for anyone, even those who were His students contemporary with Him.

I don't think it's all that important as to how this is done or how we explain it. The bread and wine become so intertwined with the body and blood of Jesus Christ as to become indistinguishable from the corpse removed from the cross two thousand years ago, and we should thank God that it does. It's a "launcher" that defies all explanation, and is rightly called a "mystery". It is the mercy and love of God at work shielding us to some degree from the gruesome reality of the mechanics of His sacrifice, and a constant reminder of that sacrifice for us, and to some degree a reminder of our death with Him as Paul says in Romans.

As we prepare to celebrate the Holy Eucharist on this Sunday or a Sunday soon, or if you only call it Communion. Let's remember what it really is, and who.

A Ramble about Yoda Pancakes

Along with Star Trek, I grew up with Star Wars, Battlestar Galactica, Buck Rogers, and a host of other sci-fi shows of the late '70s and early '80s. My mom was a sci-fi fan and so she introduced me to the ins and outs of hyperspace, warp drive, lightsabers, alien worlds and philosophies, and all the other little impossible or improbable details which makes science fiction so fascinating.

Star Wars has always been one of my favorites. I think the first Star Wars movie I watched in the theater as a kid was The Empire Strike Back. This was the film in which everyone's favorite 900 year old little green Jedi master was introduced, and in which he began to expound more on the Force, and the Jedi's interaction with it. One of my favorite sayings from this movie is "No try or try not, Do or Do not, there is no try." Another one of my favorite scenes is when Luke attempts to pull the X-Wing out of the swamp, and fails because he believes it's too big. Then Yoda comes up, shakes his head sadly, and then proceeds to pull the X-Wing out of the swamp and place it gently on more solid ground. Luke exclaims "I don't believe it!" To which Yoda replies, "that is why you fail." It's a great lesson on prayer and faith (at least I think so).

One of the things which is most amazing about Jedi Master Yoda is how small, how old, and how unassuming he is. When Luke first meets him, he assumes him to be some small, annoying, native of Dagobah who seemed to only be there to make his life that much harder. You immediately take a liking to him. Yoda himself seems to be very aware of his size, and his physical inability due to it, but it's not his size that he relies on most. It's the Force.

In the Star Wars universe, the Force is describes as an energy field which "binds us, penetrates us, and holds the galaxy together." It's described as the source of a Jedi's power, and the source of all their unique and superhuman abilities. Without it, they can't do anything that a non-Jedi can't do. In using the Force, they are trained from a very young age to interact with it, to use it, and to be used by it in a cooperation and a symbiosis.

In a scene at the end of Attack of the Clones, Yoda displays exactly how adept he is when he uses the Force to stop a massive rockfall from landing on him, and he brushes it harmlessly to the side. One thing Yoda never does, however, is take credit for what the Force does. He calls the Force his "ally," and it is clear to him that it is the Force which does all these things. Yoda knows very well that if he attempted any of those amazing things on his own, he'd be in deep, deep trouble.

For example, imagine if Yoda tried to pull the X-Wing out of the swamp on his own. It's likely Luke would have been rolling on the ground laughing as the little Jedi Master got sucked into the bog with the ship. Imagine if Yoda had tried to stop those rocks from landing on himself by just his own strength. You'd have a little green smudge left on the ground; a Yoda pancake. If he tried to do any of it, he'd be dead or at least humiliated.

The normal Christian life, as Watchman Nee called it, is a life lived in cooperation with the Holy Spirit, and under His power and guidance. All the charismata, the gifts of the Spirit, and all the fruit of the Spirit are produced by the Spirit and not through our own natural abilities, no matter how much we try to develop them as qualities within our own lives. There are times God even seems to go out of His way to use people in capacities for which they have no natural ability. All these things are the result of our being joined to Jesus in His death, and cooperating with that death, so that we might be joined with Him in His resurrection. Our natural talents and abilities have nothing to do with it. This tends to be one of the flaws in the popular "spiritual gift tests" which float around Christian circles, a person is likely to answer according to their own natural experience or ability.

Jesus said in John 15, that without Him we could do nothing. If we attempt to live as Christians under our own abilities, then we run the risk of becoming Yoda pancakes. We become self righteous at best, and it just goes downhill from there. Things like compassion, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, humility, all of these qualities are not naturally derived for the Christian but are produced by remaining in Jesus Christ like the branch remains on the plant deriving it's nourishment from the sap which flows up through the main stalk or trunk or vine. The charismata such as prophecy, love, faith, mercy, leadership, teaching, etc. are derived from the Spirit, and have nothing to do with a person's training or disciplines. If we attempt them thinking that we're the ones from whom they flow and derive then we run the risk of becoming little green smudges on the ground.

Yoda had the good sense, and eight hundred years of experience as a Jedi, to know how much he wasn't capable of by himself, and this was his truly remarkable feat; his deep humility. We are invited, through Jesus Christ, to partake in the life of the Eternal God and hold an intimate relationship and cooperation with Him. This involves and requires an equally deep humility as He moves within us, through us, and around us. We need to remember at all times that it is Him acting, not us, and in the same way, we need to rely on Him. Through Him mountains can be moved and oceans parted, without Him we get sucked into the bog and people laugh at us.

A Ramble about Little Children

I was out playing ball with my son today. I know I don't do this enough. I've never been much of a football (or any other kind of sports) father. But, I gave my word to him that we would go out just the two of us for a little while this morning. It was good. We kicked the ball around the soccer field for a little while, and then we tried to shoot baskets (emphasis on "tried," neither of us made it), and then we wandered around the school playground by ourselves talking and finding things to do. He was excited to show me how he could make it all the way across the monkey bars, and was proud of himself when he did it on both sets of monkey bars.

As a grown up, I've been preoccupied lately with all sorts of grown up things. I've been preoccupied with where my family and I have been, and where we're going. I've been preoccupied with my own fears, my own hopes, and I haven't really been present much, even if I'm in the room, and when someone tries, knowingly or unknowingly to pull me back into the present reality, I get frustrated and even angry.

My six year old son, however, has no such hang ups. Whatever he does at this stage in his life, he's always in the moment. He gets frustrated when I try to pull him out of it into something that's hypothetical, and could happen (those man to man talks which Dads try to give). He wants to show me what he can do. He wants to explore. He wants to enjoy each and every moment he has with me.

All of my kids were like this at one point in time, although the older my girls get the more preoccupied they get with other things. But when they were much younger, they could care less about what had happened or what would happen. Only about what was happening.

Jesus said, "Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand [i.e., right here, right now]" (brackets mine). He also said that "unless you repent and become as little children, you can by no means enter the kingdom of heaven." There are as many commentaries as grains of sand on the beach on what these mean.

Here's what I think, the Kingdom of Heaven is also the Eternal Life talked about in John, and it's the intimate experience of union with God in our lives in the here and now. That experience of God, irregardless of who you are, will not happen until we let go of everything which ties us down. Most especially, it won't happen until we let go of what has happened in the past, and let go of what will or might happen in the future.

Small kids have no problem with this. They, for some reason, can see that the past is gone, and the future hasn't happened yet. If it's not right now, then it doesn't exist. It's only grown ups who have this "distorted" view of reality that the past and the future are more important that what's right in front of us right now. Animals seem to have the same ability to be in the present at all times. Small kids tend to assume that their parents will take care of them and that they will take care of the future, and somehow fix whatever trouble they got into in the past. As a result, they believe they have no concerns and can focus on what matters most to them, right here, right now. It's only grown ups that really want to somehow disabuse them of that notion and get them ready for "adulthood". In so doing, we try and destroy that simple faith which they possess, and it becomes ridiculously difficult to recover once it's destroyed.

Instead of trying to encourage little kids to "grow up", Jesus told grown ups to become like little kids. Instead of telling them to make sure they were well taken care of for the future and get their retirement plans in order, he told them to not to store up money and wealth. He told them to ask God for the things they needed from day to day. In other words, He told them to live from God's paycheck to paycheck, here in the moment. He told them to do all those things which children do by nature, and at which economists the world over are horrified.

Truth is, when we're afraid of what might happen, we're jumping at shadows and things which seem very real, but in fact don't even exist at the moment. If we're living in the past, we live in either a nightmare world or a fantasy world which no longer exists and is shaped by either our regrets and fears, or our rosy memories. All fear is concentrated in either what has happened or what might happen, not what is happening right here, and right now.

This is where we meet and experience God, right here and right now. This is where we enter the Kingdom of Heaven, right here and right now. This is where we inherit the Eternal Life, right here and right now. Sometimes we can learn a lot more from little kids than they could ever learn from us.

How Could This Happen?

I hope you'll forgive the expression, but I had a "WTF" moment the other day. This is a texting term which literally spells out to "what the f#$%?" In Bible School we would have replaced the profane ending with "fudge". Being a sci-fi nerd, I'm a little partial to the BSG version, "frak". But however you interpret these three letters in the texting lingo, they represent immediate and sudden confusion and even disbelief at what you're being told. They ask essentially, "how could this happen?"

I read an article online the other night about the first African American female Rabbi being ordained next week. I have no problems with her being African American. There are a great many African Americans I highly respect. I have no real problems with her being a "her", as it falls within the Jewish tradition to which she currently belongs to determine if that is appropriate. They believe it is, so who am I to argue with another religion's practices?

What shoved this three letter phrase into my conscious mind was reading her short biography which was included in the article. She had been raised in a Pentecostal family who allowed her to explore other religions from an early age. She was given her first Hebrew grammar by a "devout" uncle. In other words, this woman as a child was part of a Christian household, and she willingly and with the support of her Christian family abandoned Jesus Christ at a young age to follow a covenant which, according to the New Testament, is no longer valid.

WTF?

Did her family not explain the Gospel to her? Do they not understand it themselves? Were there questions which they couldn't answer? How could they not only have allowed this to happen, but also supported her in it? Don't they realize that the philosophy and theology of Judaism which is practiced today was largely conceived of and implemented by that group of men who not only plotted to have Jesus Christ successfully executed by the secular authorities, but also made sure that every Jewish Rabbi who read their writings would denounce Him as a blasphemer and false Messiah thereafter? How could this happen?

This isn't the first convert to another religion from Christianity which I've met or heard of, but it shouldn't be happening. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is the power of God to salvation for all those who believe irregardless of where they come from. Why would anyone come to the conclusion that they can't find what they're looking for outside of the Gospel?

Don't misunderstand me on this point. This criticism isn't directed at these people who convert. The people to whom I have spoken are sincere and to themselves well reasoned in their decision to leave the Christian faith as they understood it. In their position, I can't say I wouldn't have done the same. They are seeking the Truth, and this is never a bad thing. What is it about the Christian practice and faith which they were taught which is lacking in that Truth?

I cannot believe that it is one and the same with the Christian faith and practice which is taught and described in the New Testament. I cannot believe that it is the same as the teachings of Jesus Christ. I cannot believe that it is the same as the Truth which St. Paul fought to the death, literally, to defend, practice, and spread throughout his world.

This criticism is leveled at those who were responsible to pass this Truth and Faith on to these people. How could they let this happen? Is the blood of Jesus Christ so valueless to them that they would willingly encourage and support someone seeking answers elsewhere? Did they not have those answers, or that One Answer themselves? And if so who was responsible for passing it on properly and correctly to them? Did their own church leaders not understand themselves?

There is, it is my opinion, some truth to be found outside of our own Church traditions. Sometimes, as I have found in my own experience, these can help us look at our own theologies and interpretations of scripture and tradition with a fresh set of eyes and actually help deepen our faith and understanding. In many respects, the Buddhist tradition, and Buddhist writings did this and actually pointed me back to Jesus Christ, forcing me to work through many issues and in the process maturing and deepening my faith in Him.

But I am not Buddhist, neither will I ever be. As much truth may be found within Buddhism, it is a tradition and philosophy which does not present the complete picture, and itself can only be fulfilled and brought to completion by Jesus Christ. Judaism is the same way. It can only be fulfilled and brought to completion by the acceptance of Jesus Christ as the Messiah and rightful heir to the throne of David. Without the Truth that is Jesus Christ, no tradition or philosophy can be considered as either mature or complete.

In reality, this is our collective fault. This is the collective fault of the Church. When the Church itself doesn't follow what Jesus Christ taught. When I concern myself with theological or practical minutiae which don't matter one whit in my own struggle to remain in Him, or in my attempts to assist the struggle of others to remain in Him, then it is my fault. When others can't see the Gospel lived out bodily in everything I do, when they can only see me, and don't notice Jesus Christ, when I actually have to tell them that I follow Jesus Christ and truly experience the Eternal Life of God through Him instead of them being able to see that for themselves without me opening my mouth; I am to blame. When I treat the blood of Jesus Christ as worthless, whether I mean to, or can't see what I'm doing because I've allowed myself to be blinded, then I encouraged those people to look for the Truth elsewhere. And with trembling, I may answer for it. Do I want Him asking me, "WTF?"

If we don't possess the Truth ourselves, then others won't be able to find Him either. If we don't take Him seriously, then neither will those who observe us. If we act as "sons of Gehenna," then so will those who watch us to know how to experience the Truth. Monkey see, monkey do.

I wish this new Rabbi well. I wish her to have a fruitful and profitable spiritual life, and for her to know and experience the God of Israel. But I am outraged and angry that those who were charged with leading her to Him in Truth shirked their duty and left her to find Truth elsewhere.

A Ramble about Love

As a Priest, I have done a lot of pre-marital counseling. My church required it, and I have always felt that I held a responsibility for each marriage I performed just as much as the couple I married. I was declaring before God and the state that these people were ready to make the commitment to become man and wife. As a result, I made it my business to prepare them however I could in the brief amount of time I was usually given before the marriage. This amount of time could range anywhere from a week to several months.

As part of my pre-marital I would generally give them what I called my "schpiel" about love and relationships. I am something of an amateur Greek scholar, having studied that language for eighteen years, and so I based my schpiel on the words in Greek translated as "love". Not every Greek scholar may agree with my definitions, but for the purposes of the schpiel they served very well.

The word love is translated in Greek often by three primary root words: eros, philia, and agape. These represent of spectrum of ideas which we sum up in the one English word, love. Each of these kinds of love are natural expressions of stages in relationships and each have their own proper place.

The first word eros sits at one end of the spectrum. This is the kind of love which is most defined by a desire to be with someone and the need or craving to have that desire fulfilled. It is highly charged with feelings and passions. The problem with eros is that you can't build a relationship on it and expect it to last. It's like trying to build a structure, not just on sand, but on the incoming waves. The reason for this is because it is so highly dependent on how we feel about the other person. Feelings come, and feelings go. There is nothing wrong with this, it's the nature of feelings. And when our feelings about the other person have begun to die down, and the craving to be with that person has been satisfied, then if that was the only foundation for the relationship, then there is nothing left. This is often why so many relationships and marriages fail so quickly, and also why many relationships are often on a roller coaster ride, because eros disappears and reappears with the tides of feelings. It has always been my counsel that you can't build a marriage or any relationship on eros.

The next type of love is philia. This is the kind of love which grows between two people as they relate to each other over time. It is the kind of love shared between close friends, parent and child, siblings, or a married couple who have been together for many years. It is an attachment and affection for the other person that is independent of the desire to be with them, but maintains a more stable feeling of attachment. The problem with building a relationship on, or holding a relationship together with philia, is that it too is still based on how you feel about the other person. There is a real danger with philia as well, because over time little annoyances tend to build up between the two people, which, if left unresolved, turn into a real bitterness and resentment. The attachment to the other person remains even as the feelings turn from affection to repulsion, and what was a deep connection between the two people can invert and become a deep hatred made all the worse by the continued bond between them. This doesn't always happen. It depends on the couple, and many try to build their relationship based on this, some even succeed. But the truth is that you can't really build a relationship on philia either without running the risk of disappointment, and devastating failure because it too is based on how you feel about the other person. Philia lies in between the two ends of the spectrum.

The final type of love is agape, and this is a word which most Christians, and many non-Christians have heard at least somewhere even if they don't know what it means. This is the other end of the spectrum from eros. Agape isn't about how you feel about a person, and isn't about what attachment you possess to that person. Agape can be defined as the choice to care about the best interests and well-being of the other person irregardless of how that person makes you feel. It is a love which, as phrased by Thich Nhat Hanh, "looks deeply" at the other person and takes into account who they are, where they've been, who's had input into their lives, and finally no matter what they've done acts in their best interests in spite of what they may have done to you or for you. It says "I am going to care about you and for you no matter what you have done." In the best example of this is the story of the Good Samaritan where a man takes care of and tends his avowed enemy, or where in the Gospels Jesus prays for and begs the Father to forgive those same men who are at the moment brutally torturing Him and executing Him through crucifixion. At some point in every relationship, in order for that relationship to continue, either party must make the choice to care about the other person and forgive them no matter how that person has hurt them or made them feel. Because the truth is that in every relationship or marriage, one person will do something which will knowingly or unknowingly hurt the other person and thoroughly squash any good feelings romantic or otherwise for that person. If that relationship isn't grounded squarely in agape then it will most likely fail. The hardest part is that agape absolutely requires us to sacrifice some part of ourselves to meet its demands, just like Jesus sacrificed every part of Himself to meet its demands for us.

Every relationship takes hard work and sacrifice to maintain. Every marriage, and every friendship take action and understanding on the part of both parties to continue. Most people realize this in one form or another. One relationship which we tend to forget about on this count
is our relationship with God through Jesus Christ. There is a tendency among Christians of any stripe to think that God has already done all of the hard work through Jesus, and now we can just do whatever we want. It is true that Jesus Christ, literally, went to hell and back for our relationship with Him. But it is my opinion that the work of a relationship doesn't stop with one party making huge sacrifices for the other, and the other not doing anything at all.

I have often remarked that the Sacrament of Baptism is like the Sacrament of Marriage. The major difference is that in the one you are making a lifelong commitment to another human being. In Baptism, you are making an eternal commitment to Almighty God being conjoined to Jesus Christ. Imagine if, after your wedding day, your spouse chose never to tell you that they loved you, started seeing other people, or just totally ignored you or became indifferent to you or how you felt about what they did? How would you feel, especially if you had made great sacrifices for your marriage to even happen, if your spouse refused to put any work into it at all? I can already tell you that what would result is a broken marriage, even if divorce didn't result, estrangement, abuse, and severe emotional pain would.

I am also learning in my own relationship with Him, that our relationship with Him tends to follow the same patterns that I described above. We go through a period of a deep craving and longing to be with Him. We develop an affection for Him, and an attachment to Him. We have normal emotional responses to the One we love. But like any feelings for anyone else, these die down and subside. If we feel He has hurt us, we may not want to admit it to ourselves and blame ourselves for it. Or we may outright blame Him, and develop a bitterness and resentment that will build up. Just as we all know married couples to whom this has happened, so we also know Christians to whom this has happened. Our expectation with God often mirrors our expectation with our human relationships. Our feelings and perceptions of injury are real and they feel justified to us, even if they are not justified in the absolute sense.

The word used in scripture every time Jesus gives the command to love is agape. This is true whether He says love your enemies, your neighbor, each other, or God Himself. What He's saying is to do the hard work of choosing to care about these people no matter how they make you feel or what you feel they have done to you. This includes God. This isn't about taking the moral high ground against Him, as if that were even possible, rather it's about looking deeply at who He is, knowing that what He does, He does because He loves, and because it's the best thing for everyone involved, even if it hurts. But refusing to admit that hurt helps no one, and causes harm to the relationship. It's about knowing that He sees everything and everyone, not one particle of an atom moves without Him knowing about it, not one thought escapes His attention, not one intention slips by Him. It's about trusting that agape He chooses with you, and responding with agape in return. This takes hard work and sacrifice of ourselves in order to maintain, especially since, often, every nerve in our body screams out "no!"

People often go through bouts of severe depression when they don't have those feelings for God that they once did. They wonder if they were ever "saved". When feelings and emotions pass, it's not time to rev them up again artificially. They will come again on their own, and in their own time. It's time to choose to care about God irregardless of your feelings, and trust in His care for you. This is the solid foundation of any lasting and healthy relationship.

Diagnostic Criteria

I wrote this over a year ago and apparently never actually put it up on the blog, so, here it is:

For all intents and purposes, the DSM-IV is the Psychiatrist's bedside Bible. It's the manual that the American Psychiatric Association publishes listing all recognized disorders, and the criteria with which they may be diagnosed. This criteria is given in terms of recognizable symptoms such as the ability to sleep, or how you feel about yourself, or how well you process and retain information. I recently received a diagnostic "checklist" from a friend who is a psychiatrist as we seek treatment for my daughter's pervasive developmental disorder. This checklist is easily a hundred questions long (we are still slogging through it with our daughter), and all of them are scored in such a way that if the person is honest about the answers it should give the attending psychiatrist a good idea as to what's going on in and/or with their head.

In a previous ramble, I wrote about the spiritual disorder with which we are all afflicted, I labeled it as "spiritual autism". It is the deficiency or inability to socialize with, communicate with, or experience the spiritual realm. Some have described it as a spiritual blindness. I have already discussed the treatment of it, but here I would like to discuss the disorder itself as it relates to those who have already begun treatment through union with Jesus Christ in His death by way of baptism.

As human beings, we are composite entities. What I mean is that we are the sum total of our biology, our experiences, and our own conclusions. The physical makeup of our brains, the information and interactions we have with others, and the decisions we make as a result of the previous two factors all contribute to who we consider ourselves to be, and should one of these factors fail or change, it can be said that we are no longer the same person. All of these things, largely governed by our physical bodies (in particular our physical brain), are centered on the physical world, and the brain as a physical entity, reasonably, uses its own existence as the frame of reference with which to interact with the rest of the world around it as it receives and processes incoming data from the five senses. But as the brain is only a physical entity, it can't process spiritual information because it has no direct source of input for that kind of information. Inferences can be made, reasonable conclusions can be drawn, but it remains speculation only as far as the brain is concerned, and as long as the physical brain remains the sole governor of the human being in question, it will remain in this state of spiritual disorder.

This isn't a moral description or conclusion, nor should it be discussed in terms of morality or the subsequent judgments which follow any more than physical autism should be. One does not condemn a man unable to function socially because his brain isn't capable of it, neither should one condemn a man for being unable to function spiritually because his brain isn't capable of it. If his physical being is doing the best job it can under the circumstances, then it is doing the best job that it can, it is just unable to perform the task which it is called to perform and is therefore deficient in this area. As St. Paul wrote "all have sinned and have fallen short of the glory of God." This could literally also be translated as "all are disordered and are deficient from the glory of God." The appropriate response to a person with a developmental disorder is compassion and treatment, not moral condemnation.

For those of us undergoing treatment we have been given an enormous gift, the Holy Spirit and the ability to sense and perceive the spiritual realm. More specifically we have been given the ability through the Holy Spirit to experience God. This ability grows from small steps to larger steps incrementally through the course of treatment as we move away from our state of spiritual autism to real spiritual communication and the ability to spiritually function in a social way.

It is not always clear at first, and sometimes even after years of treatment, when we are functioning in a normal spiritual way, and when we are still functioning with our physical being only. This is where useful diagnostic criteria comes in. We are fortunate that St. Paul gave us not only good descriptions of our disorder, but also diagnostic criteria so that we would be able to diagnose ourselves as well as be able to diagnose others.

He wrote in Galatians 5:19-21: "And the actions of the physical being are apparent, such things are illicit sexual behavior, impurity, sensuality, devotion to inanimate objects, sorcery [or drug use], animosity, discord, zealotry, rages, selfishness, dissensions, divisions, envy, bouts of alcoholism, excessive partying and things like this, the things I am foretelling to you just as I had told you about beforehand that those who are practicing these things will not inherit the kingdom of God." (translation mine)

What St. Paul is giving here is a list of diagnostic criteria for all those who are operating according to their physical being, or "flesh" (Greek, "sarx"). This is a list of symptoms used to diagnose the underlying disorder of the person not cooperating with their treatment by the Holy Spirit, that is, the person not operating according to the Spirit and being controlled by the physical being.

St. Paul also gives a list of what to expect from the person who is cooperating with their treatment in verses 22-23, "and the produce of the spirit is caring, joy, peace, patience with others, kindness, goodness, trust, humility, self-control..." (translation mine)

When we turn spiritually inward and operate according to our own physical natures and experiences we are unable to "inherit the Kingdom of God." It is my opinion that what this phrase means, along with Eternal Life, is the "normal" experience and interaction with God through the dominant operating force of the spirit, rather than the inference, speculation, and role-play of the physical being. When we use the physical being (including the psychological component) as our spiritual point of reference and use this as our dominant operating force, we are unable to do this. It is my opinion that it is referred to as "inheriting" in the same sense as a person inheriting the genetic traits or "life" of his family. In this case we inherit the traits or life of the Eternal. In other words, this spiritual trait get passed on to us by way of our union with Jesus Christ.

The Prime Directive

If you're like me and grew up on Star Trek in one or more of it's many incarnations, you know exactly what I mean when I say "the prime directive." It's so ingrained into the fabric of the Star Trek universe, and culture, that anyone who has ever watched any part of Star Trek instinctively knows what it is without having to go back and review which episode or movie it came from.

For those of you who were not on a Star Trek I.V. drip for most of their lives, let me explain. The Prime Directive is Starfleet General Order Number One, and according to the Wikipedia (under the Article Title of Prime Directive):

"The Prime Directive states

“

As the right of each sentient species to live in accordance with its normal cultural evolution is considered sacred, no Starfleet personnel may interfere with the normal and healthy development of alien life and culture. Such interference includes introducing superior knowledge, strength, or technology to a world whose society is incapable of handling such advantages wisely. Starfleet personnel may not violate this Prime Directive, even to save their lives and/or their ship, unless they are acting to right an earlier violation or an accidental contamination of said culture. This directive takes precedence over any and all other considerations, and carries with it the highest moral obligation(Giancarlo Genta, Lonely Minds in the Universe: The Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence, Springer, 2007, p. 208.)

”

"Nothing within these articles of Federation shall authorize the United Federation of Planets to intervene in matters which are essentially the domestic jurisdiction of any planetary social system, or shall require the members to submit such matters to settlement under these Articles of Federation; But this principle shall not prejudice the application of enforcement measures under Chapter VII. (STAR TREK TECHNICAL MANUAL [TOS], [Articles of the Federation, Chapter I, Article II, Paragraph VII])"

Within the Star Trek universe, the Prime Directive is absolutely sacrosanct, and violating it bring severe consequences, not the least of which is that the person who did so is considered to have committed a gross atrocity in the process. The idea behind it is simple, they don't want to cause irreparable harm to any culture or society that isn't ready to accept the realities an interstellar civilization and alliance would bring. The parallels in real history are numerous as European civilization repeatedly interfered with the natural development of indigenous cultures with the result of many of those cultures and languages being lost, and often their people ending in a worse position than if they had been left alone.

As Christians, we too have been given instructions by Jesus Christ and His Apostles very similar to the Prime Directive. As I have watched the protests on the news this week surrounding President Obama's commencement speech, I have been reminded of this. There have been protesters now on both sides of the Abortion debate, both pro-life and pro-choice, marching and demonstrating, most notably on the pro-life side against President Obama's appearance at a Catholic University, because of his politically pro-choice stance. People have argued, been arrested, carried signs, and even held a competing graduation ceremony for those students opposed to the President's presence.

The Church Fathers spoke out against the practice of abortion as far back as the Roman Empire. I find it intriguing that an issue which was debated two millennia ago is still relevant today. It has always been the view of the Church that all life is sacred, and that the termination of the life of a child, whether in the womb or out of it, is an atrocity. I do not disagree.

But where our Prime Directive kicks in is that this is our belief. This is our standard. This is a view and belief of the kingdom and government of heaven, and applies to all those within that kingdom. As St. Paul wrote in 1st Corinthians 5:12-13, "for why should I be judging outsiders? Is it not your business to judge those within? God will judge those outside. 'Purge the evil person from your midst.'" (NAB)

We cannot take the direction and governance of the Holy Spirit on such matters and enforce it on those outside the Church. It would be the same as if the United States decided that it was going to enforce the US Constitution on Mexico, by force if necessary. Mexico is not a part of the United States and it would be a grossly inappropriate attack on their sovereignty, whether or not we believe our laws to be of a higher moral quality than theirs.

We're not here to enforce an artificial and unsustainable moral conduct on those who are not conjoined to Jesus Christ and not possessed of His Holy Spirit. The attempts to do so only lead to more suffering, guilt, anger, and frustration on the part of all parties involved. The choice to follow Jesus Christ is just that, a choice. Like Jesus Christ, we weren't called to follow Him to condemn the unsaved world, but that the world might be saved through Him with us as priveleged participants in that salvation. We are sent, like Him, to seek and save that which is lost, not to expect the spiritually blind to be able to live as though they can see. Even our own civil secular governments recognize the cruelty of that expectation. We're here to introduce them to a relationship with the Father through the Son by the power of the Holy Spirit. To bind up that which is broken, and fan the smoldering match into a flame. Attempting to impose the conduct of the Church on the unbelieving only encourages and produces self-righteous hypocrisy at best, and at worst... It doesn't work.

There are many women who make the choice to have an abortion, for whatever reason. This is a choice which harms them and leaves them scarred for the rest of their lives. It's our responsibility and directive to care for them and have compassion on them. It's our express directive to neither judge nor condemn, but to offer forgiveness and healing, as Jesus Christ did to us.

This is our prime directive in interacting with the unbelieving world: "Don't judge, so that you won't be judged. Don't condemn, so that you won't be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. ... Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who persecute you, and pray for those who abuse you and mistrust you. ... Love your neighbor as yourself. ... Love one another as I have loved you." It is absolutely sacred, and the consequences for violation can be eternal and devastating.

The Lesson of the Quarter

It's a question I've come up against on several intelligence tests now. If you flip a quarter four times, and it comes up heads all four time, assuming that it is a normal quarter, what is the chance that it will come up tails when it is flipped the fifth time?

When I first heard this question, my mind set to work trying to figure it out, and I started encountering all sorts of mathematical calculations. A friend of mine who had heard the question put as well came up with the answer immediately, and I admit, I felt pretty dumb.

The answer of course is that the quarter has a 50% chance of coming up tails, just like it did every other time it was flipped. And my friend then stated the obvious, "the quarter doesn't remember how many times it's been flipped!"

The quarter has no memory. It is always in the ever present "now". It can't go back and reason out that it's high time it came up tails as opposed to heads, or be predisposed against coming up tails and try for heads. It can't do that. It can only succumb to the whims of gravity, rotation, and chance, and only God knows for certain how it will land.

In assuming that the previous flips had any bearing on the question at hand, I was doing something that only human beings do. I was bringing the past into the matter at hand when it had no business being there.

Human beings in general like to dwell in or on one of two places, either the past or the future, and we filter the present through either the way things have been or the way we would like them to be. If we would sit and look honestly at the present situation we would realize that the past is done and gone and no present situation will present itself exactly like anything which has happened before. We would also realize that the future hasn't happened yet, and is integrally tied with the choices we make in the here and now, for better or worse. But we don't think like that.

In my own situation which I am facing now, I have realized that I am allowing everything which has happened to me in the past, either good or bad, influence how I react to the present, and it is producing within me all sorts of negative reactions because of the memories associated with it. But the truth of the matter is that the situation is different, as each moment in time is unique to itself, and the factors of the equation have changed significantly. But because it resembles the same scenario, I drag all of that back out and try and apply it to something which it has no bearing on.

The quarter has no memory of such things. It flips and lands with the same chance that it had every other time because it is focused in and on the present moment. One could argue that this is because the quarter has no mind to remember with. Sometimes, I think, we need to follow the quarter's example and leave our own minds behind.

Leaving the past in the past is tough. Letting the future be the future can be even tougher. We tend to pin our hopes and dreams in either one, not realizing that we live in neither. I think that we also need to realize that we don't meet or experience God in the past or the future. We experience Him in the here and now. "Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand." This could be paraphrased as "The Kingdom of God is right here, right now."

The quarter doesn't spend time remembering the failures or successes of the past. It also doesn't spend time hoping that it will get a better result with future flips. It is only focused on the one flip, in the moment, right here and right now.

A Ramble about the Storm

I'm sitting in my bed with my laptop perched on my lap trying to remember all those things I had wanted to write a ramble about, and the truth is that I'm drawing a blank as I sit here. It's probably stress and exhaustion. We've had a pretty tough few weeks, and both my wife and I are beginning to feel the strain. We feel (at least I know I feel) caught in a huge storm of actions, reactions, hopes, fears, and circumstances that feels a little like a hurricane bearing down on us right now. In the middle of all of this, the Lord has been providing for us when by all rights we should have been blown away by the forces at work.

It's really easy to look at the storm and be afraid. Hurricanes do a tremendous amount of damage, whether they're literal hurricanes, spiritual, emotional, financial, or physical, or some combination of all or any of the above. The come on slowly, and all you can do is sit and wait, and try to prepare to ride them out in some kind of a safe shelter or refuge. If you've survived through the eye and come out the other side, you then have to assess the damage and see if rebuilding is either necessary, possible, or both. Sometimes it's possible, sometimes you just have to cut your losses and move on, hard as it may be.

The storm swirling around us right now doesn't seem to want to let up in any reasonable amount of time (at least to me). The temptation is there to go to the door, open it, and just peek out at the storm to see if it's getting any lighter. Problem is, the minute you open the door and look at the storm, the storm invites itself in and tries to drag you out into it. No, the best thing is to stay put in your place of refuge until you're given the all clear.

It's easy for me to look at our circumstances swirling around us. It's easy for me to look at things I've done or others have done and react in anger or guilt. It's easy for me to take a possible future and blow it all out of proportion as our only lifeline. It's far, far too easy for me to try and open the door to check on the storm, and this is when I make it worse, not better.

Thing about storms is that they can actually be of a great benefit to the environment. They bring rain to water the ground. What we call firestorms here in Southern California, as deadly and as fierce as they can be also tends to burn out all the dead brush which lays there and collects. Storms tend to come in and destroy what human beings have built up. Funny thing about what human beings often build, is that these constructions often destroy the natural environment and surrounding habitats. It destroys the things we've worked so hard to build up, the things which we become attached to, the things which so often build up like dead brush and cause ruin in our own lives. Storms come in and start the process of renewal by first destroying everything in their paths.

Our refuge, our place of hope and safety is in the Lord Himself. It's not in what we have built for ourselves. It's not in some possible future, or some past event. It's right here, right now, in Him. In the scriptures, Peter walked on water during a terrible windstorm on the Sea of Galilee by keeping his eyes on Jesus the whole time. It was only when he started looking at the storm that he began to sink. Our place of refuge from the storm has to be something which the storm cannot destroy, and that place of refuge is Jesus Christ. Remaining in Him as He told us to do. When we're given the all clear, everything we built may be gone, but we will still remain safe in our refuge.

A Ramble about Spiritual Autism

Developmental disorders are usually my wife's specialty. She has easily read enough literature on Autism, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, mental retardation, and other disorders to qualify for any number of degrees on the subject (at least in my humble opinion). Autism though is one with which I have had to become far more familiar and intimate with than I ever really wanted to.

Autism is defined "by a characteristic triad of symptoms: impairments in social interaction; impairments in communication; and restricted interests and repetitive behavior" (Wikipedia, Autism). It generally progresses from infancy into adulthood without remission, and can so severely handicap a person as to appear similar to mental retardation. A related disorder within the Autistic Spectrum is called Asperger's Syndrome, which continues the impairments in social interaction, communication, and obssessive behavior with limited interests; but differs with classical Autism in that linguistic and cognitive development are generally not impaired, but are actually and often enhanced. People with Asperger's Syndrome are often possessed of a high academic intelligence, especially in logical or mechanical operations, but are bereft of any natural social skills, empathy, body language, or emotional comprehension (depending on the severity and variance of the disorder with the individual person). A person with mild to moderate Asperger's Syndrome can often function on their own and are able to somewhat "fit in", but are socially incapable, and may even appear as rude or even arrogant without intending to. It is an extreme "left-brainedness".

Until recently, I was intimately familiar with Asperger's Syndrome first-hand. Through a series of neuro-feedback treatments, a generous friend who is also a psychiatrist was able to "jump start" those areas of my brain which were not functioning correctly. Two months ago was the first time I was able to process not only my own emotions but also the emotions and feelings of others in real time, without having to filter them through the logical reasoning part of my brain. I remember that, prior to this treatment, I was effectively isolated and alone no matter how many people surrounded me. All of my attempts at understanding and relating to people were absolute failures. I was, essentially, emotionally locked into my own head with no means of escape, no means of freedom. The only way I could interact somewhat normally was by "role playing" various social situations in my own head and effectively playing them back when those situations arose. The older I became, the better I got at it; but it still wasn't natural or normal, and it was exhausting for me, and if I came into a situation for which I had no information on how to react... forget about it. My brain couldn't handle it. I hope you can imagine my gratitude to this man who has freed me from that social and relational blindness.

As I have reflected over the years since learning about what my condition actually was (Asperger's wasn't accepted among US psychiatrists until 1994, I was born in '75), there is a parallel with the natural spiritual state of humanity. We are all suffering from a kind of spiritual autism or spiritual Asperger's syndrome.

I am speaking of course of what is referred to in theological circles as the "sin nature", but the truth is that I don't like the word "sin" in describing it. First, because the word "sin" in English has been so abused and misused, and tainted with moral meaning, that it really doesn't describe the problem. The word used in the Greek text of the New Testament is "hamartia". Literally, it means "disorder, malfunction, error, or mistake." Hamartia in Greek literature doesn't generally refer to a moral failing as such, but rather refers to a fatal flaw in the psyche of human beings which causes them to commit the wrongs which they try so desperately to avoid. A great example of this is the Greek play, Oedipus Rex, where King Oedipus, in his quest to morally avoid the atrocity his is prophesied to commit by killing his father and marrying his mother, falls into the trap of commiting it anyway.

I believe what humanity has is much like autism. It is a genetically passed, spiritual developmental disorder. People are able to function cognitively quite highly, but when it comes to spiritually relating to God and to others naturally in real time, like myself, they have to role play it for the situation first, and then have to call it back up when that potential situation arises. They cannot relate spiritually or are deficient to various degrees in spiritual social skills. My opinion is that one of the ways we role play in order to cope spiritually is by the creation of moral codes of conduct. What is actually called for is being able to empathize with, have compassion on, and be able to relate to the other person on the spiritual level, and we can't do that by nature, so like me, human beings have to fake it by nature, and process the results through their own material and physical filters for use in later similar situations.

God, in His mercy, is like a parent with an autistic child when it comes to human beings. He is wholly and totally engaged with drawing that child out of their spiritually relational blindness. He wants that child to develop their communication skills with Him. He wants that child to recognize His presence, and He rejoices with any small progress which that child makes, and works even harder at it when they regress. The goal of God is normal communication with Him and with others, and it is fighting an uphill battle against a devastating disorder.

As I consider this in my own life, reaching past the confines of my physical senses in order to recognize Him and experience Him is tremendously difficult. My own psyche is constantly bombarding me with physical sensory information which can't comprehend anything but these three dimensions. I think this is why God so often works within these three dimensions, using imagery and analogies from our own life experiences to help us to recognize Him and get to know Him.

Those of us who are baptized into Christ Jesus and His death are possessed of the Holy Spirit, and as such He works tirelessly within us, I suppose, much like the treatments which my friend gave me, to correct the disorder and get us to exercise our spiritual relational skills as far as we are able. But we must cooperate with His treatment, much like I had to cooperate with my friend's, and it is often frustrating and difficult as we are asked to trust things which we cannot comprehend.

The end result is this, if we cooperate with the Holy Spirit and progress we will see progress and will experience our Father first hand in real time. If we don't, or don't even begin the process by faith in Jesus Christ, then we continue in our spiritual autism, and eventually, like a severely autistic person who isn't responding to treatment or their parent's absolute devotion, we will have to be placed in a facility where we can do no harm to ourselves or to others, and remain locked in the suffering of our own desires, illusions, and fears. This isn't His desired outcome at all, and He wants us to be freed from it. Are we willing to cooperate with His treatments?

A Ramble about Fasting

Originally published as a Facebook Note May 2nd, 2009

I hate fasting.

I've never seen the usefulness of it. I remember a guy I knew a long time ago once telling me that he had tried to fast only to be reminded by his stomach that it was time to eat, and it got to the point, as he described it, that his hunger drowned out any spiritual thoughts or motives to the point where he just gave up and ate something so that he could clear his mind.

My experiences with fasting have generally been similar. I've tried fasting before. I actually went a whole week without eating anything. I wanted it to be for spiritual reasons, but in reality it was more to see whether or not I could do it. I did, and then promptly got diarrhea with the first meal I had after the week was up. In spite of my protestations to the contrary, the reality was that the only benefit it brought me was a bit of weight loss; hardly spiritual in nature.

In many ways, I've been on forced fasts this past week. I've been eating less than I usually do, by necessity, I've been getting less sleep than I probably need, I've not had any real alone time for four days, and there are other little assaults on my physical comfort as well that just... prick, a little here, and a little there. In short, I've been miserable. And the cherry on top of this cake is that I seem to be coming down with the flu as well (never mind the asthma and chest congestion I'm still fighting from months ago).

Yesterday or the day before, I think it was the day before, the conversation between God and Satan came to my mind from the book of Job. In it, Satan has pretty much ruined Job's life and destroyed everything he loves and holds dear, and Job's still praising God. So, Satan says this, "Skin for skin! A man will give up everything he has to save his life. But reach out and take away his health, and he will surely curse you to your face!" Truth is, while I don't recall Job ever cursing God to His face, he did get a lot more whiny after that and asking for explanations.

We don't like to admit it, at least I don't, but Satan's analysis of the human response was, in most cases, spot on. No one ever accused Satan of being an idiot, or unobservant; psychotic perhaps, but definitely not an idiot. We seem to be willing to part with quite a bit, but when it touches our physical comfort, that's when things really get personal.

I think that's the biggest lesson for me in all of this. Does my physical comfort and well being dictate the terms of my relationship with God? I've written before about having to die in order to be resurrected, ironically, the body always seems to be the last thing in which I--and probably not just me--am willing to commit to the cross. I always use the excuse of needing a clear head, and not wanting to be distracted from communion with the Lord by being hungry, or having some unfulfilled physical need or urge. It makes sense to me in the moment.

The truth is that all too often I am ruled, not by the spirit, but by my stomach, and like the proverbial "momma", when it ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. And this is also the place where it seems unclean things like to attack the hardest, because they know it's a sure fire weak point.

The truth is that you can't serve two masters, and often we try. The body has it's needs, and they must be cared for, but, as one Buddhist author whom I respect highly puts it, the body is like an injury or a wound. You must care for it very carefully, all the while treating it and helping it to heal. One doesn't indulge an injury or a wound in order to make it worse, but you do baby it just a little in order to help it get better. The truth is, you can't serve both God and your physical appetites. Either they become subject to the death of the cross, or they master you. There isn't any middle ground here.

I don't like this. I think it sucks, and I whine and complain just like Job when my body gets touched in any way. Thing is though, Jesus didn't, and He didn't use my excuses about needing a clear head to face temptation either. In fact, He refused to turn stones to bread when He hadn't eaten for forty days. Most people who reach that point are generally either delirious with hunger, or just plain dead. He went up against Satan himself in that state.

He didn't use those excuses when the crowds wouldn't give Him and His students any alone time either. His students asked Him, almost literally in the Greek, to blow them off and give Himself a break. He refused and ministered to them until each one of the thousands who came to Him was healed, and only then did He let them go. Today, I think He would be recommended to counseling for avoiding burnout.

And then there's the cross itself. Vicious scourgings, massive blood loss, total physical and emotional humiliation, and finally death, after having massive railroad size spikes driven through the nerves of his feet and wrists.

In many respects, Jesus fasted physically every day of His life even when He was eating and drinking. He didn't let His bodily appetites, though He had them like everyone else, control Him or what He did, and I am sure there are times when His body screamed at Him and made Him dizzy enough to collapse. But His body was made subject to His cross long before he was nailed to it, like every other aspect of His life.

I don't like fasting, but then I'm sure He didn't either. I'm fairly certain the cross was no fun at all. I write a lot here about submitting to death and letting everything go, and my physical appetites and being needs to be a part of that, and because it's so intrinsically tied to my self it becomes that much harder to let go of, especially when it's little things that keep gnawing at you. But He did it. And, He asks us to pick up our crosses and follow Him. Man, this is going to hurt... I'm fairly certain somewhere along the way, He said the same thing to Himself, and then kept walking towards Golgotha.

A Ramble about Personal Demons

Originally published as a Facebook Note April 27th, 2009

Truth is, I'm not quite sure as to how to start this Ramble. I know where I want to go with it, but I'm not sure how to begin the journey.

I recently went through a process of healing from my own personal demons. Some of them figurative, and some of them perhaps literal depending on how you look at it. These demons have haunted me for years. They were demons of rejection, demons of autism, demons of needing attention, demons of striving to prove myself and defend myself to anyone and everyone else, and demons of failure.

I am learning in the afterglow of this healing, however, that these demons do not give up, ever. If they are literal, then they have been around for millennia, and are easily capable of outlasting me and wearing me down. They don't seem to ever get tired and just give up. They hammer and hammer and hammer away. Sometimes they let up, and then when I least expect it they attack again.

It has been in the last few days that I realized, freedom from such demons has nothing to do with a once and for all triumph where they go sulking away in defeat never to return. That would be great. But instead, it has to do with how I respond, or don't respond to their attacks from this point onward.

These demons don't attack my strong points. Like any competent tactician, they attack my weakest points, those in which I have already been hurt or compromised in some way. They whisper little lies into my ears knowing that somewhere within a part of me might be willing to believe them. They work tirelessly to get me to agree with them, and then once they have that staging point, they continue their assault further in.

One of my favorite movies is "Little Buddha". In this movie there is a scene which depicts the temptations of the Buddha by Mara (similar to the temptations of Christ in the desert by the Devil). The one image which stands out to me in this scene is where Mara assaults the Buddha with hundreds if not thousands of archers, and they all shoot flaming arrows at the Buddha as he sits serenely under a tree. As the arrows fall, they become flowers and blossoms and fall harmlessly around him.

Being delivered from my personal demons, I realized, doesn't mean they never attack me again, it means their attacks are never able to harm me again. It means that there are no more places for me to agree with them in, there are no more weak or compromised areas for them to assault, and so like the scene above, they can shoot all the flaming arrows they want, but they will only fall harmlessly like soft flower petals, much to their frustration.

Most of their temptations has to do with them trying to get me to react according to my experience, biology, or past history. For example, if I have a past history of being or feeling rejected by people, then they want to use that rejection to influence my present situation and get me to respond according to that rejection. This then can translate into anger, or bitterness against those people who rejected me in the past and I can spend my time dwelling there in my mind. It can also translate into mistrust for people's motives in the present, and absolute despair for the future, or a constant striving so that somehow things will be better in the future and "I'll show them."

It doesn't help to deny that I have this weakness either, in fact it makes it that much worse as I try to deal with them on my own. Denying that I have a problem only serves to provide another compromised area for them to renew their assault, and then I'm fighting, unsuccessfully on two different fronts. It only gets worse from there.

It really gets bad when I do try to deal with it on my own, without the prayer, support, and intercession of friends and family, whether or not I recognize that I am weak or compromised. It is like a favorite story of mine from Star Trek, which I shamelessly plagerize. It goes like this, a great windstorm was approaching the walls of a city. They rang the storm bell and hurried everyone into the safety of the walls. All went in except one, a warrior who was renowned for his courage in battle. The ruler of the city tried to convince him to take refuge in the city, but he would not. He said that he would stand outside the walls and make the wind fear him. The ruler gave up, honored his request, and went inside. The next morning, after the storm had passed they found that warriors body smashed against the city gates. The moral of the story, "the wind doesn't fear a fool."

Our personal demons attack and prey on our fears, our hopes, and our attachments. We become attached to our anger, our bitterness, or mistrust. They seem like familiar tools and friends who have gotten us through tough times before, but in truth they were the kind of friends who would show you a good time and then leave you battered and bleeding in an alley. We become attached to our possessions, our loved ones, our self image, and all the while we try desperately to maintain the lie that we will never lose them, when in fact we will eventually have to lose all of them. This is the nature of mortality, temporality, and impermanence. We become attached to our lives, fighting valiantly to stave off death for as long as possible, all the while refusing to see the truth that death is the only way to resurrection.

Death is in fact what our personal demons fear most. They fear us dying to our self image, dying to our possessions, dying to our anger and bitterness, dying to our refusal to accept change. They fear especially the death of the Cross. They fear especially what it means. They can't attack a corpse and expect it to respond favorably to them. It is this death which turns flaming arrows into flower blossoms. and it is a belief and trust in and experience of God's love and care for us, at least for me, that fuels that death. It is our faith in and acceptance of our death with Christ on His Cross that shields us from these attacks and renders them harmless. And it is precisely the experience of this death that allows us to experience Him; allows us to enter the Kingdom of Heaven and possess His Eternal Life here and now. It is like taking the red pill and finally being able to see the world as it truly is.

The attacks will persist. I've accepted that now. Their efficacy depends largely on my continuous acceptance of my death with Him, and His love and acceptance of me. They know this. They fear it, and over the last few days, I feel like their attacks have been stepped up, and have blind sided me a few times now, right in those places, at first, where I professed healing. By the grace of God, I recovered and He saw me through it, not allowing me to be blinded again. And I am learning through these stepped up attacks that the best place for me during them is to take refuge in Him, and in the prayers and intercessions of family and friends, seen and unseen, and not risk fighting them on my own at all, which is what they want. It's a tough lesson to learn, but in the end it is they who will be frustrated, upset, and alone as they realize they are beating on a dead corpse.