God is on my mind tonight.
I don't like being asked the
question “Do you believe in God?” For most this seems like a
simple “yes” or “no” answer. But for me, the image that comes
to my mind is of the titular character in “Evan Almighty” when
he's naively told that he needs to shave after he'd spent hours that
morning struggling to remove a beard that refused to die, “You have
no idea!” However, in most conversations, I can't really say that
as a response because the questioner really does have no idea what
he's asking or the absurdity of the question and would be offended if
I pointed this out, or like many would try to analyze me and figure
me out which then becomes awkward and throws up more barriers.
Another response which goes
through my head is, “Are you kidding me?” And this too would
probably be either threatening to the questioner, or mark me as
someone who tries to artificially spiritualize everything to make
myself sound more religious than I really am. This is why I rarely
talk about what I believe anymore to people I'm not certain share the
same faith. I've learned the hard way that if my actions don't match
what I say I believe then it's best to stay silent. I'd rather let my
actions share Christ than let my mouth embarrass Him.
For a long time now I've been
trying to come up with a realistic picture of God given all available
data. While what I've got so far works for me, I know it doesn't work
for everyone. That's fine. It doesn't matter if it does, because that
doesn't change the reality of His existence. It's like trying to put
a face to a familiar voice, a familiar touch that you've never seen
because you're blind. You don't even know where to begin. And it's
only every so often that you get a glimmer of the reality behind the
Presence because when you do it's overwhelming and you're left almost
unable to process.
I understand where people
start from, where the existence of God might be questioned when there
is no basis of a relationship or communication. But at this point in
my life, questioning His existence is more ludicrous than questioning
my own. We have too much of a history together. It is true that He
sees no need to prove His existence to anyone. But this shouldn't
surprise anyone. There is a saying, small dogs bark the loudest. The
opposite is also true. Alphas have no need to prove themselves. The
inferior members of the pack vie for their attention, not the Alpha
for theirs. So it is with God, you either submit and accept Him as a
starting point of a relationship, or you don't. It is not a
relationship of equals. Don't be arrogant enough to demand it. This
is what the small dog does.
The "picture" I have
of God now, I've tried to understand and explain, and I think my
hypothesis fits the data. When I truly sit and try to meditate on it,
it overwhelms me and can move me to terrified trembling and tears
while at the same time realizing I continue to exist only because of
His lovingkindness and mercy. I can't think if the term "I Am"
anymore without it provoking some kind of a response in this vein.
It takes real work to
cultivate a relationship with Him. Just like it does with anyone. It
takes communication, trying to listen, making mistakes, learning
about each other and taking leaps of faith. None of this happens
overnight. Sure, He might briefly take control of you for something
with your cooperation, but that's one experience. One experience does
not a solid relationship make for anyone. Salvation is a result of
this relationship, both in this life and beyond, and God's no fool.
He knows who His friends are, and who they aren't. He loves you but
He's not going to acknowledge a relationship that doesn't exist.
Relationships are two way not one way.
Just my thoughts before bed.
