A Ramble About Newtown

I've been more or less silent on this subject so far. There's been a lot of pain, and it is all too easy to add to it even with well intentioned words. People have been hurt and traumatized severely by what happened in Newtown, and anything like this should never be used to make or score points on opinions or viewpoints. I've read a lot of articles and headlines using the tragedy to make points about everything from gun control, to prayer in schools, to abortion. It really does turn my stomach.

It turns out the shooter had Asperger's syndrome. As many of you know, this is something with which I am intimately familiar. Immediately once this became known, certain parties have come out to assure people that his disorder had nothing to do with the killings and that there are many, many good people with the disorder who will never harm another human being. The concern is that somehow it will spark a fear of people with Asperger's or autism if people find out the shooter had it, and so every attempt is made to downplay it. His Asperger's syndrome had absolutely nothing to do with it they assert.

As I said, I am intimately familiar with this disorder. I am one of the few people, if not the only person, who can refer to having the disorder in the past tense due to bio-feedback treatments. What's more, I can remember what it was like. I have family members with the disorder as well. I know this demon very well, and I know what it can do with the wrong stimulus. As a teenager, I knew how easy, too easy, it would be for me to shut off any pretense at empathy with other people and take a life. It scared me then when I realized it was true. I also know how difficult it would be to do the same thing now that my brain is functioning normally and I am able to feel what other people feel.

To be sure, there are thousands, if not millions of people with this disorder, the vast majority, who make the choices every day to try and fit in and live normal lives. They choose to not act on how they feel inside or how they perceive others feel about them or make them feel. But you must understand that to be born with Asperger's syndrome is to be born into a life of misunderstanding, ridicule, and personal emotional pain that never really goes away and that you don't really understand. This is true whether or not anyone around the person intends to be the cause.

To have Asperger's syndrome is to not be able to read the intentions or feelings of other people, and often to not be able to process your own. It also means that you are likely to be more academically intelligent than your peers. Because of this latter thing, people expect you to understand social cues, facial expressions, and relational subtleties that your brain can't process in the moment. The mirror neurons which allow for true empathy between two people simply don't function correctly in someone with Asperger's.

Often, someone with Asperger's is at least four years behind their peers in terms of social and emotional development because the part of the brain which processes it can't do it at the same rate as everyone else. When most kids move on to seeing things as right or wrong, black or white (normal around 7 or 8), a kid with Asperger's is probably still focused on “mine, mine” (normal around 3 or 4) and only makes progress depending on the severity of the disorder, and the perceived understanding and acceptance of the people around him.

This causes two problems. The first is that the kid isn't socially appropriate for their age group, and their peers know it. Kids are cruel and taunt the kid for being different. The kid with Asperger's has no idea why they are making fun of him, and why he can't make friends like they can. The second is that the kid with Asperger's can't feel it right away when someone truly cares about him and loves him, or when someone is offering real friendship. The only emotions which may register in real time are strong emotions like pain, anger, fear, and hatred because strong feelings are what will push through the brain's processor faster. Getting across to the kid that he is really cared about takes an incredible amount of time and energy. More than many people are willing to devote to someone who isn't a member of their family.

All the people with Asperger's who live peacefully have, at some point in time, made the choice to live with that pain and not seek retribution for perceived injuries and trauma. They have done so because they have made the personal choice that to do so is right and causing harm to those who have “wronged” them is wrong. This choice doesn't make the pain go away, sometimes it only compounds it as they struggle to fit in and pretend to be “normal”.

As I read the descriptions of the twenty year old kid who did the shooting, he seems to have had all the classic signs of Asperger's. The difference between him and the rest of us is that he didn't or couldn't make that personal choice to not act on his pain. Now, the reasons why he didn't can only be speculated at. Did he have any kind of religious upbringing? Did he have any kind of a moral compass or guide? Was it because his parents divorced a couple of years previous? I haven't the foggiest idea, and only he really knows.

The truth is that there were only victims in Newtown. The shooter was among them. This is a hard thing to accept but it is true.

People don't want to think that way though. They want to find someone or something to blame so they can persecute it and stamp it out so that it can never happen again. “If we can only eliminate guns...” or “If we can just return God to the schools...” The one which Autism advocates are afraid of is “If we can just contain or control people with Asperger's...” This is a perfectly human response to this kind of a trauma, but it is a misguided response. The human response is to try and control or eliminate the cause of our fears, but the truth is that such things can't be controlled.

No, the thing which must be controlled is fear itself, and fear can only be controlled through understanding, compassion, and forgiveness. It is hard to forgive such a grievous crime. We want to judge and hate the person responsible, and somehow forgiving that person makes us feel like we're somehow condoning it and thus somehow ourselves responsible. But people don't commit atrocities like this unless they're somehow in pain themselves. That pain creates fear, which then causes anger, which leads to hatred. This twists the mind until the most heinous actions seem good and reasonable. Denying the existence of this progression only makes it more likely to occur. It creates a cycle which then spirals outward to inflict damage on everyone it touches as it infects everyone.

Forgiveness doesn't condone the action, but it does accept some responsibility for it. And in order to keep an atrocity from happening again we must all accept some responsibility for it happening in the first place and not try and shield ourselves from that responsibility.

Twenty seven innocent people died that Friday, but there were twenty eight victims.

A Ramble About Upgrades

Recently, Microsoft released the latest version of its operating system (OS), Windows 8, to the computer hardware manufacturers and to those savvy enough to upgrade their own computers from the previous versions. Microsoft does this periodically; about every three years or so. Ubuntu, the operating system I usually use on my personal computer, does a regular release about every six months and a long term support release about every two years.

I'll admit, I was one of those computer junkies who kept getting lured by the promise of newer and better software. I would see some new version number of a program I already had and phrases like “Oooh! Shiny!” would enter my subconscious mind. Newer features... better graphics... I had to have it. I even began, as many do, to start using developmental versions of software (in other words, not ready for daily use) so that I could stay, not just on the cutting edge, but the bleeding edge.

The problem with this though is that it's based on a dirty little secret of the software and computer industry. What drives software upgrades isn't the desire for better software. It's the desire to keep people buying newer computers and hardware. Computer manufacturers can't make money if people are satisfied with the computers they already have. Software that has more features or better graphics usually requires better hardware which means that you have to either upgrade or buy another computer. If you don't, chances are either it won't run at all, or it may crash your otherwise perfectly functional computer system. Often, they rope people into upgrading by promising that the newer version will be easier to use, have better security, and will make all the problems they've been having fade away.

The truth of the matter is that there is usually nothing wrong with previous stable versions. A case in point is Windows 3. There was nothing wrong with this operating system. It did exactly what it was supposed to. It gave you a user friendly environment to find and run the programs you needed to. You could write with it. You could network with it. You could play games with it. You could organize your life with it. A lot of software was written for it. I know of people who are still unhappy with the direction Microsoft took when they moved away from it, and didn't appreciate being forced to relearn how to use their computers.

Another case in point is Word. It is a known fact that there are something like a thousand new features in the latest version of Microsoft Word that almost no one knows are there and neither are they used by virtually anyone. The old versions of Windows, Word, and other programs worked just fine and got the job done. A lot of aficionados find that they still do. Apple's Mac OS is another case in point. I had the privilege of using Mac OS 9.22, the last version before OSX was introduced about ten or eleven years ago. There was very little this OS couldn't do even in comparison to a “modern” operating system. The switch to OSX seemed kind of pointless.

After moving away from Windows, I continued the upgrade bandwagon with Ubuntu for years. I finally jumped off of it with the last, long term version of Ubuntu, 12.04. I could upgrade my computer to the latest version, 12.10, for free. But I came to realize that I really don't need to. My computer and everything on it works just fine the way it is. Maybe it won't always, but it does now.

The devotion some computer nerds like myself have to their preferred operating system has often been likened to a religious devotion. There are Windows devotees, Mac devotees, and Ubuntu Linux devotees. Most are fairly reasonable and open minded, but some are extremists who would happily see the other's OS go down in flames (and often try to bring it about). But that's not where I'm going with this.

There is a train of thought among people that one's faith needs to be upgraded periodically. That there was something wrong with the old way of believing and practicing one's faith. This train of thought is often encouraged by the “Christian” media industry. One can make some educated guesses as to why. “Are you still stuck in the old version of your Christianity? You need Christianity 8.0 with cutting edge graphics and better security!”

It sounds ridiculous, but let's face it, it's not new. It's something that has been continuously handed to us for centuries. Every split, every division, every new theology or heresy within the Church is due to something like this. If people were satisfied with their Christian practice the way it was they wouldn't go looking elsewhere for a change.

“Something's not working the way I think it should with my Christianity! Oh, I need an upgrade!” At that point, the question really needs to be asked, “Did anyone properly show you how to use it?” “Oh, that version of Christianity looks so much more exciting! It must be better!” Chances are, it's a resource hog which will drag down your system, cause it to crash, and force you to pay through the nose to get more expensive hardware. “Oh, but that version has so many more features than mine does?” Have you even bothered to learn to use the features yours already has? “Oh, but it's brand new! Newer is always better!” It was the stance of the pre-Nicene Church (the Church of the first three centuries) that the full revelation of the Gospel had already been given by Christ to His Apostles and that He wouldn't have kept anything from them; especially not anything important. Thus, they were constantly refuting people like the Gnostics, the Docetists, the Ebionites, and many others who continuously claimed to have a newer, shinier version of Christianity. The Fathers of the Church never tried to add to the revelation of the Gospel, only to defend it and explain it as best they could, and they wrote manual after manual to that effect. “Oh, but I need to stay on the bleeding edge of my Christian faith!” To this I must respond, why? The reason why they call it the bleeding edge is because developmental versions usually don't work right and can cause your system to fail miserably if you're not careful. The latest version isn't worth it if it fries your processor to a little puddle of goo, or trashes the rest of your faith so that it becomes totally unusable.

Some may find my analogy here a little far fetched. Others will know exactly what I'm talking about because they've been there. As for myself, I've finally learned to be satisfied with what I found that works. I suppose you could say that I've downgraded my Christianity to the old stable version from the more “upgraded” version I grew up with and I can honestly say that when I look at the newer shinier versions, I'm not impressed any more; not in the slightest. It doesn't take long until you see the bugs in the programming begin to appear and goof things up. I like things to just work well, and mine does. Is it the easiest to use? No. Does it have the latest eye popping graphics? No. Does it have thousands of new and exciting features? No. Its claim to fame is that it is absolutely rock hard stable, impervious to malware, and does everything it is supposed to do. Have I learned how to use all its features yet? No. I'm still working on that, but at least I don't have to spend time focusing on features I don't need and would never bother with in the first place.

Before you head out to pick up that latest version, think about whether or not it's really what you need and consider that newer isn't always better.

A Ramble About Patience

We bought a PC game for our girls today with some Christmas money. The girls were there when we bought it, so it was kind of pointless to wrap it and make them wait until Christmas morning for it. It was one of those Sims games with a Pets expansion included. Our girls love the Sims games and were excited about being able to create the pets with the expansion. I wasn't entirely sure whether our main desktop would meet all the graphics requirements for it, but everything else checked out, and the graphics card requirements were just vague enough to give us some hope that it would run.

We got it home, unwrapped it, and installed it onto the computer. Everything looked like it checked out during the installation, and then we tried playing the main game a bit. Everything looked good, so we installed the expansion disk. That's when we ran into problems. The pets wouldn't show up right, and the game occasionally crashed.

A few inquiries into Google via our cell phone, and we found out that our graphics card is the problem. It happens to be on the extreme low end for this particular version of the Sims to run. Further, while it will in fact run the main game okay, the Pets expansion refuses to cooperate with it, or so say all the forum comments by people who have had the exact same problem we do. All of our other computer hardware checks out as either adequate or above, but Dell went cheap on the graphics processor.

Needless to say, our girls were disappointed, my middle daughter in particular. She really wanted to play this one because she could make horses with it. I found myself then calmly explaining to her several times about patience.

If it is one thing I have learned over time, I told her, it is that if there is some book I want to read, some movie I would like to see, or some game I would like to play, then, in all probability, I will eventually be able to do so. It may not be right now, or tomorrow. But I have learned that it will happen if it is important that I do, and it may happen eventually even if it isn't important. Prices come down, games become abandonware or open sourced, movies eventually wind up broadcast on network TV for free, and computers eventually get upgraded. Sometimes it takes months, years or decades, but it does happen. I have learned that God doesn't withhold good things from us, and those things He does withhold aren't good for us right in that moment. The same thing might be bad for us at one point in time, but later on He allows it at just the right moment when it can be good for us or do the most good for us. I went on like this for some time until she seemed to understand.

As I was talking to my now twelve year old daughter, I realized that it wasn't really I who was talking per se, but God was talking through me. And I also realized that I wasn't the one explaining, but I was the one it was being explained to just as much as my daughter was. He was answering some of my own questions and disappointments I had posed to Him just the other day through my own words and experiences which I was relating to my daughter.

It's not the first time He's answered me in this manner, and it likely won't be the last. It's a humbling reminder as well that whatever wisdom which I think I possess really comes from Him.