Recently I've become interested in researching my family history as
far back as I have the tools for. Right now this consists of the
Internet and time spent searching looking up dead relatives and
ancestors and hoping to find their parents' names. I already knew quite a
bit about one part of my mother's side of my heritage, the Hanchett
side. This has been traced by a distant cousin all the way back to the
Boston Bay Colony in the 1640s or so, and from their back to the Norman
conquest of England in 1066. As I've looked online, I found more
research done by other cousins of my dad's mom's side which also traces
all the way back to the colonies in the 1630s and from there back to
ancestors in England as well.
But the one side of my
family that has always been a bit of a mystery, for various reasons, is
my paternal ancestry. This is the side of my ancestry, which I have
always been told, is Cherokee. When I was a kid I was always told that I
was 1/16th Cherokee, and that my grandfather was 1/4th Cherokee, but
because of family history, I was never able to research it farther.
Nevertheless, it was something which I have always felt was a good part
of my heritage, whether I could prove it or not.
Recently,
I was told by my dad that it was my great grandfather who was full
Cherokee, and possibly my great grandmother was at least part Cherokee.
He did a fair amount of research on our family history as well, but
couldn't go back any farther than my great-grandfather. As I tried to
pick up the trail again, I kept running into brick walls too. We know
that the original spelling of our last name wasn't "Bair", but "Bear",
and that my great-grandfather was born in 1872. My grandfather was born
in 1905.
The Cherokee have a long and tragic history
with the U.S, and through it all have survived as a proud, industrious,
and great people that has managed to retain their language and culture
even as they has weathered the storms history has thrown at them. The
most famous, and most extreme example of this is the Trail of Tears,
which was when, after the Indian removal act of 1830, the U.S.
government forced the Cherokee off of their ancestral lands and forced
them to walk to what is now Oklahoma. It's called the Trail of Tears
because 4,000 Cherokee died along the way.
What's so
striking about it as well is that many, if not most, of the Cherokee at
this point in time were of mixed descent, with the mixture mostly with
Americans of European descent. There were few "full blood" Cherokee, and
most who were forced to march were half or less. The standard for
forced removal was if you had 1/32nd Cherokee blood or more. Furthermore,
most of the Cherokee were "civilized." They didn't live in traditional
dwellings (certainly not teepees), but houses. They owned plantations
and businesses, some owned slaves like other Southerners. Except for the
color of their skin and the language they used they didn't live that
differently from their European descended counterparts. Most were Christians.
The Trail of Tears holds a special place in my heart where American
history is concerned, because if my family and I had lived then, we
would have been thrown out of our house, and off our land and forced to
march too. Prejudice and greed only sees what they want to see, and
historically they've never seen the part of you that looks like them,
only the part of you that's different.
After that there were numerous treaties between the
Cherokee nation and the U.S. government, most were broken by the latter
party shortly after being made. In the late 1800s, about 1893, there was
a proposal by Congress to end the reservation system and allot land to
the members or citizens of the five "civilized" tribes: Cherokee,
Choctaw, Seminole, Creek, and Chickasaw. Whoever would sign the roll,
registering as a citizen of that tribe, would receive an allotment of
land. Called the "Dawes Roll" it was open between 1896 and 1906 to
anyone who was living in "Indian Territory" at the time and could prove
citizenship. Many Cherokee however didn't trust the U.S. government and
so wouldn't sign it. Other didn't meet the residency requirements,
living in Missouri, Arkansas, Texas, Kansas and elsewhere other than
what is now Oklahoma.
Near as I can tell, my
great-grandfather fell into one of these latter camps, because he
doesn't appear on the lists of the Dawes Roll. There are several "Bears"
that do, but he and his family aren't among them. But I can trace him
to Oklahoma and Arkansas, where I still have distant relatives today.
Because he doesn't appear on these rolls, there's no way I can register
with the tribe and be counted with the Cherokee.
I've
always been a touch darker than other "white" people, and have always
tanned easily, so I did a simple image search on the Internet to see
what would distinguish Cherokee features. I then compared these images
with pictures of my dad and myself. Lo and behold, there it was: genetic
resemblance plain as day (cheekbones, chin, shape of eyes, hair and
skin coloration), my dad especially. Further, it seems like other Native
Americans at least somewhat recognize it too judging by the reactions I
get or rather don't get when walking around the grocery store on the
Nez Perce reservation which we live near (it's a long story). So,
regardless of what the Dawes Rolls say, my face proclaims my ancestry
even if I can't carry the card to "prove" it.
This idea
has been going through my mind again and again. The truth about who we
are will always come out regardless of what we claim or don't claim to
be. This is especially true between those who claim to follow Christ,
and those who actually do. How we live and treat other people betrays
our "spiritual" ancestry. Jesus knew this when He called a bunch of
devout Jewish people who claimed to follow Him sons of the devil. A
person can't hide this, at least not for long, any more than I could
actually hide my own Native American ancestry if I tried. It's written
all over my face. So also is it written all over the lives of those who
do or do not follow Him, no matter what they say or claim. The children
of God and the children of the devil are apparent by how they treat
others, as the Apostle John wrote in his first epistle.
It
doesn't matter if the Cherokee tribal government recognizes me. I don't
much care. All I have to do is look in a mirror. What matters is that I
remember and teach my kids to remember. In spiritual things, you can
flash your "Christian" credentials all you want and receive the praise
of other "Christians" ad nauseum, but if you don't resemble Christ, or
if others can't see Christ in you, then you don't belong to His family.
It's that simple.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Thursday, May 17, 2012
A Ramble About Muscles and Faith
I was out using a hoe on my front lawn today. The roto-tiller's
broken for the moment, so if we want to get a garden in this year, my
back and arms have to fill in for gas powered machinery. I have a
feeling that our garden will be smaller this year than last for that
reason.
I used to have a fair amount of muscle on me. A few years ago I worked unloading trucks for a Wal-Mart in Southern California. But that was a few years ago. I haven't done anything nearly that physically demanding since, partly because I hurt my back doing it (it involved a coworker, a pallet, and a backflip on my part; I was later told it was quite the sight). As a result, my arms and back aren't what they were.
I started hoeing the new plot for the garden yesterday. I worked for about twenty minutes before I had to quit because my back was hating me. Today I tried to at least finish what I started yesterday. I think I got a little more done, but not by much. My arms and back were already screaming at me from yesterday and they weren't too keen on it today.
I learned from when I started unloading trucks that this kind of conflict is, in many ways, mind over body. No matter how much your body is telling you it's being tortured, you have to just ignore it and keep going. It will, many days hence, get easier and you'll be able to do it for longer periods of time. When I started unloading trucks, I thought fifty pounds was heavy. When I left Wal-Mart, I could lift nearly one-fifty to two hundred. I learned that in order to really build muscle and build strength, you have to stretch and tear the muscle a little at a time. It hurts. It makes you sore for hours after the exercise has stopped. It exhausts you. In the end, though, it strengthens you to where you could carry loads you never could before.
The opposite is also true. If you don't use the muscle you've got, you lose the use of it. Over the last year or so I've done more sitting down (due to my back) than has been good for my muscles. As a result, when I actually tried using what had been there before, they screamed bloody murder at me.
Faith is a lot like our muscles. In order for it to grow, it has to be stretched and torn a bit as it's exercised. In order for it to build up, it has to be pushed to its breaking point and exhausted. In order for our faith to be maintained, it has to be exercised regularly and consistently at the level of exercise which it has been conditioned for. If we don't use it, it begins to disappear so that when we are called on to use it, our mind and fears scream bloody murder at us.
Faith becomes too easily flaccid when we buy into the illusions of security with which we surround ourselves. To put it another way, our faith in the unchanging God begins to die when we put our faith in changeable things we can see, hear, and touch. We stop believing that we need to depend on Him and begin the mistaken belief that we can depend on something else.
When we put our faith in a large bank account, it create the illusion that we don't need to depend on Him (ask the modern Greeks how that's currently working for them; they're staring down the barrel of all of their money becoming worthless overnight). When we depend on the works of our own hands, what happens if those hands can no longer work? When we depend on a government, what happens if that government falls, or decides it's no longer in their interests to help you?
If you ask God to grow or increase your faith, it's likely that He'll allow all kinds of "bad" things to happen in your life: job loss, illness, death of a loved one, and other problems. Each of these is the removal of the illusion that you were trusting in for your security. It's a fly or fall, sink or swim proposition. Either you turn to Him and learn to trust Him, or you don't. You learn very quickly whether or not you had faith in Him to begin with. God is pleased to help us to exercise our faith and indeed He wants us to grow closer to Him through it, but that doesn't mean it's any more of a pleasant process than extreme body-building. You have to be trained to carry heavier and still heavier loads by faith alone and not by what you can see. It is torturous at times, but necessary.
I know I've got to work the garden plot a little at a time to recondition my muscles. I also know that if I don't, it won't get planted, and my muscles will continue to grow weaker to where when I need them they won't be there. My faith in Him is the same way.
I used to have a fair amount of muscle on me. A few years ago I worked unloading trucks for a Wal-Mart in Southern California. But that was a few years ago. I haven't done anything nearly that physically demanding since, partly because I hurt my back doing it (it involved a coworker, a pallet, and a backflip on my part; I was later told it was quite the sight). As a result, my arms and back aren't what they were.
I started hoeing the new plot for the garden yesterday. I worked for about twenty minutes before I had to quit because my back was hating me. Today I tried to at least finish what I started yesterday. I think I got a little more done, but not by much. My arms and back were already screaming at me from yesterday and they weren't too keen on it today.
I learned from when I started unloading trucks that this kind of conflict is, in many ways, mind over body. No matter how much your body is telling you it's being tortured, you have to just ignore it and keep going. It will, many days hence, get easier and you'll be able to do it for longer periods of time. When I started unloading trucks, I thought fifty pounds was heavy. When I left Wal-Mart, I could lift nearly one-fifty to two hundred. I learned that in order to really build muscle and build strength, you have to stretch and tear the muscle a little at a time. It hurts. It makes you sore for hours after the exercise has stopped. It exhausts you. In the end, though, it strengthens you to where you could carry loads you never could before.
The opposite is also true. If you don't use the muscle you've got, you lose the use of it. Over the last year or so I've done more sitting down (due to my back) than has been good for my muscles. As a result, when I actually tried using what had been there before, they screamed bloody murder at me.
Faith is a lot like our muscles. In order for it to grow, it has to be stretched and torn a bit as it's exercised. In order for it to build up, it has to be pushed to its breaking point and exhausted. In order for our faith to be maintained, it has to be exercised regularly and consistently at the level of exercise which it has been conditioned for. If we don't use it, it begins to disappear so that when we are called on to use it, our mind and fears scream bloody murder at us.
Faith becomes too easily flaccid when we buy into the illusions of security with which we surround ourselves. To put it another way, our faith in the unchanging God begins to die when we put our faith in changeable things we can see, hear, and touch. We stop believing that we need to depend on Him and begin the mistaken belief that we can depend on something else.
When we put our faith in a large bank account, it create the illusion that we don't need to depend on Him (ask the modern Greeks how that's currently working for them; they're staring down the barrel of all of their money becoming worthless overnight). When we depend on the works of our own hands, what happens if those hands can no longer work? When we depend on a government, what happens if that government falls, or decides it's no longer in their interests to help you?
If you ask God to grow or increase your faith, it's likely that He'll allow all kinds of "bad" things to happen in your life: job loss, illness, death of a loved one, and other problems. Each of these is the removal of the illusion that you were trusting in for your security. It's a fly or fall, sink or swim proposition. Either you turn to Him and learn to trust Him, or you don't. You learn very quickly whether or not you had faith in Him to begin with. God is pleased to help us to exercise our faith and indeed He wants us to grow closer to Him through it, but that doesn't mean it's any more of a pleasant process than extreme body-building. You have to be trained to carry heavier and still heavier loads by faith alone and not by what you can see. It is torturous at times, but necessary.
I know I've got to work the garden plot a little at a time to recondition my muscles. I also know that if I don't, it won't get planted, and my muscles will continue to grow weaker to where when I need them they won't be there. My faith in Him is the same way.
Monday, May 14, 2012
A Ramble About Releasing Your Burden
My family and I are big fans of the Stargate series. We have DVDs of
the entire series of both SG-1 and Atlantis as well as all of the
associated movies. For the most part, the storyline of the series is
essentially the belief of every UFO alien conspiracy theorist that the
US government is hiding the truth about their cooperation with good
extraterrestrials in order to defeat bad extraterrestrials who are bent
on conquering Earth. It also took the ancient alien theory and turned it
into ten seasons (plus five more from Atlantis) of pretty good
action-adventure Sci-Fi television.
One of the various story lines revolves around "ascended beings." Ancient aliens who, thousands of years prior, learned to transform their entire being into energy and live on another plane of existence. This theme and plot line is milked again and again throughout the series as the main characters struggle through the meaning of it, and some of them experience ascension themselves before deciding they still prefer flesh and blood.
One of the things which ascension requires, especially if you can't do it on your own naturally, is that you "release your burden." As it gets explained through several episodes, what this means is letting go of your guilt, shame, and all of the reasons why you believe that you are unworthy of ascension. It also entails letting go of everything to which you are attached in this life. In other words, in order to ascend, you have to let go of all of the anchors keeping you here in this life.
This has gone through my mind much over the last couple of years. As Christians, we also seek "ascension" in that we seek union with God by Grace through Jesus Christ. Orthodox Christian spiritual writers since the beginning have used terms like being "in-Godded" and "God became Man so that man might become God," and also being "Oned with God."
What obstructs this union in our own lives? Attachments to things here, principally. Attachments to people, attachments to things, attachments to ideas, emotions, and anything else which is not God. But there's another thing which obstructs it which I have realized that I struggle with.
I know in my own life, as I have meditated trying to find out this obstruction in my own life, that one of the biggest obstructions for me is my own guilt and feelings of shame. When I do something I believe I shouldn't be, or (more often) when I don't do something which I believe I should be that guilt begins to build inside of me, and then I feel depressed which then makes it less likely I'll do what I believe I should be and this downward spiral then continues. I go to God asking for forgiveness, but then deep inside me I feel like I don't deserve it and so either refuse to forgive myself, or refuse His forgiveness (which, as I think about it now, amounts to the same thing). Instead of releasing my burden, I refuse to let it go. The twisted irony of it is I want nothing more than to let it go.
Jesus Christ died for our sins, and because of His death and resurrection God says through the Apostle that if we confess our sins He will forgive them and cleanse us from every wrongdoing. This is one of the reasons why He died and rose from the dead. So, why am I reacting this way if I know this? I feel guilty about forgiving myself. I feel as though I'm justifying what I've done or not done. On and on the spiral like this goes. I become so obsessed with right and wrong, and with being right, that I lock myself into a cycle of condemnation which has nothing to do with God and everything to do with me. Normal reasoning would suggest that I would take His forgiveness and hang on with both
hands held tight. My response seems to be far from normal reasoning, but as I think about other people, I realize that it is far more common than just me.
There comes a point, if we want to get out of the depression and despair and move forward towards Him, when we have to release our burdens. Along with our other worldly attachments, we have to let go of our self-judgment and guilt and agree with His forgiveness and that because of Jesus Christ we are worthy of forgiveness. We must accept that God will forgive us through Jesus Christ and agree with Him that He does forgive us because of what Jesus has done. It is only then that we can move forward towards ascension and union with God.
One of the various story lines revolves around "ascended beings." Ancient aliens who, thousands of years prior, learned to transform their entire being into energy and live on another plane of existence. This theme and plot line is milked again and again throughout the series as the main characters struggle through the meaning of it, and some of them experience ascension themselves before deciding they still prefer flesh and blood.
One of the things which ascension requires, especially if you can't do it on your own naturally, is that you "release your burden." As it gets explained through several episodes, what this means is letting go of your guilt, shame, and all of the reasons why you believe that you are unworthy of ascension. It also entails letting go of everything to which you are attached in this life. In other words, in order to ascend, you have to let go of all of the anchors keeping you here in this life.
This has gone through my mind much over the last couple of years. As Christians, we also seek "ascension" in that we seek union with God by Grace through Jesus Christ. Orthodox Christian spiritual writers since the beginning have used terms like being "in-Godded" and "God became Man so that man might become God," and also being "Oned with God."
What obstructs this union in our own lives? Attachments to things here, principally. Attachments to people, attachments to things, attachments to ideas, emotions, and anything else which is not God. But there's another thing which obstructs it which I have realized that I struggle with.
I know in my own life, as I have meditated trying to find out this obstruction in my own life, that one of the biggest obstructions for me is my own guilt and feelings of shame. When I do something I believe I shouldn't be, or (more often) when I don't do something which I believe I should be that guilt begins to build inside of me, and then I feel depressed which then makes it less likely I'll do what I believe I should be and this downward spiral then continues. I go to God asking for forgiveness, but then deep inside me I feel like I don't deserve it and so either refuse to forgive myself, or refuse His forgiveness (which, as I think about it now, amounts to the same thing). Instead of releasing my burden, I refuse to let it go. The twisted irony of it is I want nothing more than to let it go.
Jesus Christ died for our sins, and because of His death and resurrection God says through the Apostle that if we confess our sins He will forgive them and cleanse us from every wrongdoing. This is one of the reasons why He died and rose from the dead. So, why am I reacting this way if I know this? I feel guilty about forgiving myself. I feel as though I'm justifying what I've done or not done. On and on the spiral like this goes. I become so obsessed with right and wrong, and with being right, that I lock myself into a cycle of condemnation which has nothing to do with God and everything to do with me. Normal reasoning would suggest that I would take His forgiveness and hang on with both
hands held tight. My response seems to be far from normal reasoning, but as I think about other people, I realize that it is far more common than just me.
There comes a point, if we want to get out of the depression and despair and move forward towards Him, when we have to release our burdens. Along with our other worldly attachments, we have to let go of our self-judgment and guilt and agree with His forgiveness and that because of Jesus Christ we are worthy of forgiveness. We must accept that God will forgive us through Jesus Christ and agree with Him that He does forgive us because of what Jesus has done. It is only then that we can move forward towards ascension and union with God.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
A Ramble About Being Naked in a Dream
Have you ever had a dream where you were either in your underwear or
completely naked all of a sudden? From what I've seen and read, it is
usually interpreted as you being insecure about some part of yourself
and the feeling of being naked or exposed is then rendered by your
unconscious mind into an awkward and embarrassing situation.
I had a dream like that this morning. I was trying to get the results from a test I had taken when I found myself completely without clothes, and I mean completely. Not a pretty sight. In the dream I first reacted with surprise and a bit of panic and then I realized there was nothing I could do about it. This is who I was ugly or pretty without all the outward adornments and coverings to keep it hidden and make it presentable. So, armed with this knowledge, I calmly drew myself up, and calmly walked out of the room. I noticed stares and snickering, but could do nothing about it, so I ignored it and continued accepting myself as myself. As I did this, I became more comfortable with it, less worried and more calm, and then an interesting thing happened. The next scene in my dream, I was fully clothed.
We are who we are warts and all. No matter how many costumes we put on, no matter how much make-up, or how many layers of clothing, who we are, our strengths and our weaknesses will always come through. Who we are does change over time, as we encounter new people and experience new things. Our strengths and weaknesses can change over time as well as skills are used, disused, or learned. I must accept this person that I am at this moment and not pretend to be anyone else, or try and hide it.
This brings me to another observation about tests. I think the Lord recently put me through a test to see how I would respond. I've been wrestling all night and this morning with the decision I made. Did I make the right decision? Was it from faith or was it from fear? Did I pass or did I fail? Am I going to regret the choice I made in the long term? Do I move up a grade or will I be held back? The Lord's tests, however, are not graded. You don't move on to the next course. The Lord's tests are about showing you where you are at in this moment. He doesn't need to be shown. He already knows.
I don't know if the decision I made is where I think I should be, but it's where I am at the moment, and trying to deny it or cover it over helps no one; least of all me. The best I can do is just accept it and move on.
I had a dream like that this morning. I was trying to get the results from a test I had taken when I found myself completely without clothes, and I mean completely. Not a pretty sight. In the dream I first reacted with surprise and a bit of panic and then I realized there was nothing I could do about it. This is who I was ugly or pretty without all the outward adornments and coverings to keep it hidden and make it presentable. So, armed with this knowledge, I calmly drew myself up, and calmly walked out of the room. I noticed stares and snickering, but could do nothing about it, so I ignored it and continued accepting myself as myself. As I did this, I became more comfortable with it, less worried and more calm, and then an interesting thing happened. The next scene in my dream, I was fully clothed.
We are who we are warts and all. No matter how many costumes we put on, no matter how much make-up, or how many layers of clothing, who we are, our strengths and our weaknesses will always come through. Who we are does change over time, as we encounter new people and experience new things. Our strengths and weaknesses can change over time as well as skills are used, disused, or learned. I must accept this person that I am at this moment and not pretend to be anyone else, or try and hide it.
This brings me to another observation about tests. I think the Lord recently put me through a test to see how I would respond. I've been wrestling all night and this morning with the decision I made. Did I make the right decision? Was it from faith or was it from fear? Did I pass or did I fail? Am I going to regret the choice I made in the long term? Do I move up a grade or will I be held back? The Lord's tests, however, are not graded. You don't move on to the next course. The Lord's tests are about showing you where you are at in this moment. He doesn't need to be shown. He already knows.
I don't know if the decision I made is where I think I should be, but it's where I am at the moment, and trying to deny it or cover it over helps no one; least of all me. The best I can do is just accept it and move on.
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