I was thinking today of the importance of admitting and being honest with my struggles and flaws as being an important part of submission to the Cross of Christ. 1 John 1:5-10 repeats this idea over and over again that the person who says he has no flaws (or sins, depending on how you translate "hamartia") is lying to himself, and also calling God a liar. In our society, this is completely counter-intuitive, and even within most churches it is frowned upon unless it is done in the past tense. "I was this bad person with this many flaws, but then I came to Christ and now I don't do that any more."
I get confronted with my flaws, my anger, my inner demons, my continued difficulty with interacting with people especially when I'm stressed on a regular basis. I can't say they've ever really left because they're still very much a part of me just as they have always been. Denying that would be lying to myself, to God, and frankly to everyone else.
I think perhaps though that instead of looking at them as negatives, per se, rather they provide a distinct contrast to when it is Christ expressing and working through me. In my flesh, biologically, I have ASD. Yes, I've undergone treatments for it, and I can socialize a little more easily under the right circumstances, but the underlying disorder has never gone away and I get reminded of it when I am put into stressful circumstances. I get frustrated, sometimes I get angry, paranoid, and withdrawn. I become socially awkward and worn out quickly even around people I'm used to. Talking to someone in a relational manner is difficult.
Contrasting this is when Christ works and speaks through me. Suddenly, I'm able to empathize. Suddenly, I know when to speak, and when not to. Suddenly, I know what to say and can even know things about the person I'm speaking to which I shouldn't be able to. Suddenly, this overwhelming care, compassion, and love start moving through me for the other person. It's like a cooperative dance in some respects where He leads and I follow, where He's in control but has me say and do what is said and done. And suddenly it appears like I can do things, feel things, say things, and be things that are otherwise simply not physically possible for me even on the best of days.
I am also reminded by my biological flaws, the limitations, paranoia, fears, and attachments of my own brain, that I must remain in Him, otherwise things go wrong and harm is caused. Feelings get hurt. Someone might get snapped at. Fortunately, I appear to be past the stage of physically harming people as I might have when I was a kid. My flaws, as painful as they are for me to see and acknowledge help me to keep a right perspective, and push me back to Christ as I cry out, "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner" when they manifest.
Truth is, my flaws scare me, but sometimes they don't scare me enough. Sometimes, I fall into the faulty thinking that I'm this great person because of what happens when it is Christ through me. This is when He allows them to manifest plainly in my mind, and then if I don't turn back, letting them follow their natural course in my actions. I have been blessed that He has kept them from causing more harm than they have.
As much as I would want Him to take them away permanently, He allows them to persist for the moment to provide this contrast, not just for myself but also to be a living example of both to other people that Christ can be seen the more plainly against the backdrop of my own faulty darkness.
I think maybe I'm coming to understand what Paul meant when he said he rejoiced then in his weaknesses. I can't say I rejoice in mine, and they are many, but I think for Christ's sake I'm coming to appreciate why He doesn't remove them entirely.
