A Ramble about Love

As a Priest, I have done a lot of pre-marital counseling. My church required it, and I have always felt that I held a responsibility for each marriage I performed just as much as the couple I married. I was declaring before God and the state that these people were ready to make the commitment to become man and wife. As a result, I made it my business to prepare them however I could in the brief amount of time I was usually given before the marriage. This amount of time could range anywhere from a week to several months.

As part of my pre-marital I would generally give them what I called my "schpiel" about love and relationships. I am something of an amateur Greek scholar, having studied that language for eighteen years, and so I based my schpiel on the words in Greek translated as "love". Not every Greek scholar may agree with my definitions, but for the purposes of the schpiel they served very well.

The word love is translated in Greek often by three primary root words: eros, philia, and agape. These represent of spectrum of ideas which we sum up in the one English word, love. Each of these kinds of love are natural expressions of stages in relationships and each have their own proper place.

The first word eros sits at one end of the spectrum. This is the kind of love which is most defined by a desire to be with someone and the need or craving to have that desire fulfilled. It is highly charged with feelings and passions. The problem with eros is that you can't build a relationship on it and expect it to last. It's like trying to build a structure, not just on sand, but on the incoming waves. The reason for this is because it is so highly dependent on how we feel about the other person. Feelings come, and feelings go. There is nothing wrong with this, it's the nature of feelings. And when our feelings about the other person have begun to die down, and the craving to be with that person has been satisfied, then if that was the only foundation for the relationship, then there is nothing left. This is often why so many relationships and marriages fail so quickly, and also why many relationships are often on a roller coaster ride, because eros disappears and reappears with the tides of feelings. It has always been my counsel that you can't build a marriage or any relationship on eros.

The next type of love is philia. This is the kind of love which grows between two people as they relate to each other over time. It is the kind of love shared between close friends, parent and child, siblings, or a married couple who have been together for many years. It is an attachment and affection for the other person that is independent of the desire to be with them, but maintains a more stable feeling of attachment. The problem with building a relationship on, or holding a relationship together with philia, is that it too is still based on how you feel about the other person. There is a real danger with philia as well, because over time little annoyances tend to build up between the two people, which, if left unresolved, turn into a real bitterness and resentment. The attachment to the other person remains even as the feelings turn from affection to repulsion, and what was a deep connection between the two people can invert and become a deep hatred made all the worse by the continued bond between them. This doesn't always happen. It depends on the couple, and many try to build their relationship based on this, some even succeed. But the truth is that you can't really build a relationship on philia either without running the risk of disappointment, and devastating failure because it too is based on how you feel about the other person. Philia lies in between the two ends of the spectrum.

The final type of love is agape, and this is a word which most Christians, and many non-Christians have heard at least somewhere even if they don't know what it means. This is the other end of the spectrum from eros. Agape isn't about how you feel about a person, and isn't about what attachment you possess to that person. Agape can be defined as the choice to care about the best interests and well-being of the other person irregardless of how that person makes you feel. It is a love which, as phrased by Thich Nhat Hanh, "looks deeply" at the other person and takes into account who they are, where they've been, who's had input into their lives, and finally no matter what they've done acts in their best interests in spite of what they may have done to you or for you. It says "I am going to care about you and for you no matter what you have done." In the best example of this is the story of the Good Samaritan where a man takes care of and tends his avowed enemy, or where in the Gospels Jesus prays for and begs the Father to forgive those same men who are at the moment brutally torturing Him and executing Him through crucifixion. At some point in every relationship, in order for that relationship to continue, either party must make the choice to care about the other person and forgive them no matter how that person has hurt them or made them feel. Because the truth is that in every relationship or marriage, one person will do something which will knowingly or unknowingly hurt the other person and thoroughly squash any good feelings romantic or otherwise for that person. If that relationship isn't grounded squarely in agape then it will most likely fail. The hardest part is that agape absolutely requires us to sacrifice some part of ourselves to meet its demands, just like Jesus sacrificed every part of Himself to meet its demands for us.

Every relationship takes hard work and sacrifice to maintain. Every marriage, and every friendship take action and understanding on the part of both parties to continue. Most people realize this in one form or another. One relationship which we tend to forget about on this count
is our relationship with God through Jesus Christ. There is a tendency among Christians of any stripe to think that God has already done all of the hard work through Jesus, and now we can just do whatever we want. It is true that Jesus Christ, literally, went to hell and back for our relationship with Him. But it is my opinion that the work of a relationship doesn't stop with one party making huge sacrifices for the other, and the other not doing anything at all.

I have often remarked that the Sacrament of Baptism is like the Sacrament of Marriage. The major difference is that in the one you are making a lifelong commitment to another human being. In Baptism, you are making an eternal commitment to Almighty God being conjoined to Jesus Christ. Imagine if, after your wedding day, your spouse chose never to tell you that they loved you, started seeing other people, or just totally ignored you or became indifferent to you or how you felt about what they did? How would you feel, especially if you had made great sacrifices for your marriage to even happen, if your spouse refused to put any work into it at all? I can already tell you that what would result is a broken marriage, even if divorce didn't result, estrangement, abuse, and severe emotional pain would.

I am also learning in my own relationship with Him, that our relationship with Him tends to follow the same patterns that I described above. We go through a period of a deep craving and longing to be with Him. We develop an affection for Him, and an attachment to Him. We have normal emotional responses to the One we love. But like any feelings for anyone else, these die down and subside. If we feel He has hurt us, we may not want to admit it to ourselves and blame ourselves for it. Or we may outright blame Him, and develop a bitterness and resentment that will build up. Just as we all know married couples to whom this has happened, so we also know Christians to whom this has happened. Our expectation with God often mirrors our expectation with our human relationships. Our feelings and perceptions of injury are real and they feel justified to us, even if they are not justified in the absolute sense.

The word used in scripture every time Jesus gives the command to love is agape. This is true whether He says love your enemies, your neighbor, each other, or God Himself. What He's saying is to do the hard work of choosing to care about these people no matter how they make you feel or what you feel they have done to you. This includes God. This isn't about taking the moral high ground against Him, as if that were even possible, rather it's about looking deeply at who He is, knowing that what He does, He does because He loves, and because it's the best thing for everyone involved, even if it hurts. But refusing to admit that hurt helps no one, and causes harm to the relationship. It's about knowing that He sees everything and everyone, not one particle of an atom moves without Him knowing about it, not one thought escapes His attention, not one intention slips by Him. It's about trusting that agape He chooses with you, and responding with agape in return. This takes hard work and sacrifice of ourselves in order to maintain, especially since, often, every nerve in our body screams out "no!"

People often go through bouts of severe depression when they don't have those feelings for God that they once did. They wonder if they were ever "saved". When feelings and emotions pass, it's not time to rev them up again artificially. They will come again on their own, and in their own time. It's time to choose to care about God irregardless of your feelings, and trust in His care for you. This is the solid foundation of any lasting and healthy relationship.