A Ramble About Feeling Useless

I started watching some old Deep Space Nine episodes on CBS All Access today. It was a story arc about Major Kira, and part of it had her be relieved of her duty. Not having anywhere else to go, she was invited to a monastery on Bajor, her homeworld, for some time to devote to her spiritual development. But after being there for several days, she was beginning to go a little nuts. She was used to being active, to being needed, to constantly getting things done. At the monastery she felt useless and out of place. She kept trying to place some stones on a pathway as part of a spiritual exercise, but every time she thought it was straight up close, she would step back farther away and it would look crooked to her. She then made the comment that the pathway was fine, but it was she who was crooked. At that point, the cleric (called a "vedik") said she was ready and took her to a chamber in the monastery where she was to encounter one of her religion's most sacred items, an orb. She asked him in a bit of a panic in the orb's presence, "What am I supposed to do?" His response was something like, "Just be useless for a while."

Lately, I've been slipping into a depression. I haven't really been able to put words to why, but I've been tense, sometimes angry, sometimes on the verge of tears with angry thoughts or feelings running through my mind (you don't know how thankful I am that it is the Lord who acts and speaks when I ask, and not me). When I saw this episode of DS9, it put words to my feelings. I've been feeling useless, but more to the point I've been seeing myself as useless during this time.

Right now, I'm just "waiting". I'm waiting on word back on the pastor position I sent in for. I was trying to do sermons online for a church up north, but was asked to stop until they know what they're doing or whether they're even going to survive as a congregation. I can't return to doing the spiritual care at UCI because of the COVID-19 orders. I feel like change is coming, but I don't know how soon exactly. Heidi's taken over care of Tressa during the day due to the strict fasting and diet they're on, and due to her treatments. At most, I'm providing a warm body with a Driver's License to my son so he can continue to get driving experience until he takes his test after his birthday.

And something within me is telling me I'm useless.

There is the story of Mary and Martha in the Gospels where Martha is running herself ragged while Mary is sitting listening to Jesus, and Martha asks Jesus to tell Mary to get up and help her. Martha essentially called Mary useless, or she at least insinuated it. But Jesus tells Martha, essentially, "no". Mary's uselessness was cool with Him. Mary needed to be useless in that moment in order to sit and be with Jesus.

It might be an odd source, but that DS9 episode reminded me that it's okay to feel useless. It's even useful to be useless at times, because that's when we are able to stop and pay attention to spiritual things more. That's when we're the most vulnerable. That's when we're the most ready to encounter what we need to.

I can't imagine I'm the only one who's been feeling this way lately. If you are, stop trying to be useful for the moment. Stop trying to be busy or look busy. Stop trying to prove your worth to yourself or anyone else. Just stop and listen. Pay attention. Just sit in His presence and hear what He has to say, or just sit in His presence when no one is saying anything. Sometimes this is the most profound, and most powerful of times, when there are no more words, and no more questions. When you are and He is.

A Ramble about Obstacles to Progressing

Life lesson learned in "Lord of the Rings Online".

I recently reached level 120 while questing through the north lands of Dale and Ered Mithrin (The Gray Mountains). Naturally, I moved on to the next zone for my level which is the Vales of Anduin (absolutely beautiful landscapes btw). So, I traveled to this area and started running quests for the Beornings, big friendly Bear people (my kind of folk, "Bears", [wink, wink]). Then I started getting killed. Over and over again. As it turned out, the natural progression of difficulty in relation to your gear and level decided to take a hard incline and leave me behind feeling woefully underprepared and corpse-dragging my way through (crossing a dangerously high level zone by moving, getting killed, and then doing it all over again until you reach your goal).

Frustrated, and feeling like I'd hit a roadblock, I decided to go back to Dale and Erebor, about five levels below me, and finish out some quests there. One of the quests I ran into was simply finding some ravens which had been sent out. I went to the location on the map where the ravens were supposed to be, except I couldn't find a path up to them. I crossed raging rivers, tried scaling mountain inclines which were just too steep to climb, and nothing I did got me any closer to my goal. Frustrated, I asked questions in the chat, but no one seemed to have the same problem. I thought maybe it had been glitched because I just couldn't see the path to where I needed to go. I considered quitting this character (my main) for the moment and going back to level another one. Regardless, I shut down and did something else, eventually going to bed.

As I pondered what to do with it the next day, I decided to give the ravens one more look see. I circled the steep outcropping where the first one was supposed to be until I saw something I recognized on the minimap. A campfire. I had seen that campfire before, but not in my last go around. I knew that it was on a path that I had been on before, but not when I was looking for the raven. I went looking for that path instead of retreading the one I knew looked like it would take me to the top, but instead led to a long drop off the side. I found it, and eventually found my way to the top and the raven I was looking for.

Emboldened by this, I went looking for the second by a different way than I had tried the night before, and once more found the path. I eventually finished that quest I had only the night before thought glitched and incompletable. Then I turned my sights on the Vales of Anduin that were handing me my head every few feet. I picked up and finished a relatively easy quest which didn't look like it would lead to anything. But upon its completion, it led to a "quest" which basically had me listening to someone tell a story, upon which I would receive a pair of gauntlets which were a godsend for survivability. This chain led to another which handed me a helmet which helped even more. And suddenly, the Vales of Anduin weren't quite as punishing and unforgiving as they had been. I just had to follow the right quest chains and not be so impatient.

The life lesson here is that what looks impossible and frustrating at first may just need to be looked at from a different point of view with patience. The path may not be visible at first. You may not be able to reach what you're aiming for by what looks like the most direct route, because that's not the path intended by the Developer. You've got to look for the right "quest chains" and do them in order, no matter how insignificant they look, and regardless of whether they promise what you need at first. Sometimes you've got to just follow the chain whether it's three quests long, or fifteen before you see the piece that you need to progress further. Sometimes it's as simple as listening to a story. Sometimes it's culling dragons from a stone staircase. Lots of dragons. Sometimes it looks impossible when it's really not.

I was ready to quit and give up on that character because I was frustrated with an obstacle I didn't understand wasn't really an obstacle. If I had, I wouldn't have seen the real way forward, and I would have remained stuck at level 120 instead of moving on to 121. The only obstacle which really prevented me from progressing was my perception of the problem and my lack of understanding at the time.

Favorite Music for Private Worship and Connection with the Lord

This has been a discouraging and depressing time over the last month for everyone. For that reason, I wanted to share with you my favorites list from the music player on my phone. The songs on this list have encouraged me, helped me to reach out to the Lord in my own private times, and often been used by Him to speak to me when I most need it. It’s added a few and lost a few over the years, but has otherwise been pretty consistent. Frequently what I will do is put the music on shuffle and let the Lord decide which order I need to hear it in.

Beyond Belief by Petra

It is Done by Mastadon

Agnus Dei by Third Day

Anchor by Skillet

Awake and Alive by Skillet

Be Thou My Vision

Beloved by Tenth Avenue North

Bless the Broken Road, cover by Selah

By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North

Whom Shall I Fear by Chris Tomlin

May It Be, cover by Celtic Woman

Joy to the World, cover by Third Day

O Come All Ye Faithful, cover by Third Day

Faith of the Heart by Russel Watson

More by Matthew West

I Will Follow Christ by Bob Carlisle and Clay Crosse

I Surrender All by Clay Crosse

The Light by Disturbed

Into the West, cover by Peter Hollens

I Need You by Leann Rimes

The Battle Belongs to the Lord, cover by Petra

Take Me In by Petra

The Hard Way by John Schlitt

Jesus, Take the Wheel by Carrie Underwood

The Great Divide by Scott Stapp

No Doubt by Petra

Victorious by Skillet

This is the Kingdom by Skillet

Terrify the Dark by Skillet

Finish Line by Skillet

Defying Gravity by Stephen Schwartz, from Wicked: The Musical

Holy by Nicole Nordeman

Redeemer by Nicole C. Mullen

Testify to Love, cover by Avalon

Miracle of the Moment by Stephen Curtis Chapman

You Will Never Walk Alone by Point of Grace

I Have Been There by Mark Schultz

Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns

Much of You by Stephen Curtis Chapman

My Savior My God by Aaron Shust

I Am by Mark Schultz

Praise You in the Storm by Casting Crowns

What Faith Can Do by Kutless

My Own Little World by Matthew West

Walk on the Water by Nicole Britt

Thrive by Casting Crowns

We Believe by Newsboys

This is Amazing Grace by Phil Wickham

Soul on Fire by Third Day

Tell Your Heart to Beat Again by Danny Gokey

One True God by Stephen Curtis Chapman

Chain Breaker by Zach Williams

Holy Holy Holy, cover by Stephen Curtis Chapman

I Need Thee Every Hour, cover by Jars of Clay

Take My Life, cover by Chris Tomlin

It is Well with My Soul, cover by Rebecca St. James

Hero by Skillet

Monster by Skillet

Where is God in this Crisis?

As I was perusing the news articles this morning on my phone, the title of one piece caught my eye. It asked the question, “Where is God in a pandemic?” This is essentially the same question I have often been asked by the patients I have visited in my time as a Spiritual Care Volunteer at UCI Medical Center. “Where is God?” and “Why did God let this happen to me?”

His answer is always the same, “I’m right here.”

God hasn’t gone anywhere, as if He could be one place and not another. He is the ground and foundation of all existence. While He could exist without us or the rest of creation, we cannot exist without Him because we depend on Him like a sound wave depends on the air it moves through to exist. So, no, God hasn’t disappeared. He’s right here where he has always been and will always be.

So then, why is He letting this happen? Why is He letting this potentially lethal virus spread and kill people? Why is He letting the Stock Market crash? Why is He letting the world seemingly collapse around us?

The answer is simpler, and harder to take, than you might think. He will not interfere in our free will. He will not turn us into robots who always make the right decisions. It was, one way or the other, human decisions which caused the current global crisis all the way back to the caging and selling of the bats in which the SARS-CoV-2 virus evolved, to the human governments’ responses, to the responses of panicked buyers and sellers. This was all human decision making, not His, and He will not force us to do the right thing.

Frequently, God does damage control to keep things from getting as bad as they could. He does love us, He does care about us, and like any good parent, He does try and steer us away from danger and poor decision making. But also like any good parent, He knows that the decision making has to be ours, and if we’re absolutely determined to have our own way, then He will step aside and let us do it and incur all the damaging consequences from it. An illustration I frequently use is of driving down a windy road at night in a car with God. As long as God has the wheel, the trip goes smoothly. If we demand to take the wheel, He will warn us against it. If we insist, He will take His hands off of it and let us do it. This is when we find the car wrapped around a tree we didn’t see but He did.

Often, also, God uses these times to get our attention so that we will get to know Him again, or at least better. He wants us to know Him, to walk with Him, and to be in relationship with Him. This does not ensure catastrophe (in our opinion) does not happen, but when it does we know He is right there with us through it.

God didn’t cause this current crisis, human beings did. He hasn’t left, He’s right here. All it takes is turning around and reaching out to Him.

A Ramble About the Shroud of the Dark Side

“The shroud of the dark side has fallen.” Yoda, Attack of the Clones

“The dark side is everywhere.” - Revenge of the Sith, opening crawl

These lines has been running through my mind for the past couple of days as it seems to describe the general feel or “energy” which is gripping the country and even the world right now. Principally, it is the emotion of fear and panic which is causing it, but this of course leads to anger, which leads to hatred, which leads to suffering. Master Yoda’s words, and the screenwriter’s who wrote them, have rarely been truer or wiser than now.

This “dark side energy” is just as infectious if not more so than the virus which sent it spiraling out of control. As my wife and I were discussing, it is this energy which is causing, and is going to cause, more problems and more deaths than the physical virus alone through despair and depression. As the stock market tanks, as people can’t find food and supplies because of hoarding, as they’re stuck in their homes for fear of infection, they’re going to get depressed. They’re going to get angry. They’re going to succumb to that fear and anger and they’re going to do things they wouldn’t normally do because of it.

There are a lot of Christians who think the philosophy behind the Jedi of Star Wars is completely anti-Christian. Having studied both the Scriptures and the ancient writings of the Church in some detail for the last several decades, I am not one of them. The Didache, an ancient Christian catechism from the first century begins with, “There are two paths. The path of life and the path of death.” St. Paul wrote about the distinction between the flesh and the spirit, and the descriptions of what it looked like when the Christian was operating in either one. The description of the works of the flesh is very much dark side stuff, while the description of the fruit of the Spirit is very much light side stuff. The works of the flesh are the easy path, while the fruit of the Spirit requires self-surrender and abandonment to Jesus Christ in His death and resurrection.

As followers of Jesus Christ, we are called to “walk in the light as He is in the light.” We are called to turn away from the darkness through recognition and practice of our co-crucifixion with Him. As St. Paul says, “because you have died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.” As Christians, as followers of Jesus Christ, we are, fundamentally and like the Jedi, a religious community devoted to a single purpose, and that purpose is the practice and presence of Jesus Christ through us.

I leave you with a Jedi meditation with a Christian twist:

There is no emotion, there is peace.

There is no ignorance, there is knowledge.

There is no passion, there is serenity.

There is no chaos, there is harmony.

There is no death, there is Jesus Christ.

May our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ be with you, always.

Thoughts About the Coronavirus

I was just at Walmart in Garden Grove this morning about 10am. Mostly, I just wanted to test the waters and see how things stood after the madness this weekend. Traffic on Chapman and Beach Blvd. was normal (busy) it seemed for this time of day. Parking lot was still pretty full, but not overly so. Walked into the store. There seemed to be fewer associates than normal. The grocery section looked picked over, but there was still some stuff on the shelves. No water or paper goods of course. The processed meats like lunchmeat, hot dogs, and bacon was so empty you’d have thought they’d just installed the display. No eggs that I could see. The fresh meat section was almost empty. On the other hand, there were still some fresh vegetables and fruit, and the gluten free specialty section still seemed pretty well stocked and I was able to pick up some more bagels. And on the upside there were no fights or arguments over anything that I could see. There was only one person in front of me at the self-checkout, but no bags available. Overall, it felt like things were beginning to die down from the other day when there were lines to the checkout to the back of the store at Vons. Walmart gets their shipments around 2pm and, if there’s a second one, around 4pm or 5pm, so most likely they’ll be restocked by tomorrow as long as there’s no problems at the distribution center. I know this because I used to unload trucks for them at their store in Orange years ago.

It’s tough to know sometimes about how to think about this new virus threat that’s going around. Popularly just called, “the coronavirus,” it’s a new and unique strain of a coronavirus, the type of virus usually responsible for the common cold. The proper taxonomic name for the virus is SARS-CoV-2, though governments seem squeamish to actually call it that. The illness itself has been dubbed COVID-19 to distinguish it from these other, apparently less threatening coronaviri (yes, that’s a proper Latin plural for “virus”). The symptoms are fever and dry cough which can develop into pneumonia in a minority of cases. It can be transmitted by those not displaying any symptoms, and someone who has recovered from it can still transmit it for thirty five days after recovery. It apparently doesn’t like heat and won’t survive being exposed to hot, sunny days. Those who are especially susceptible are the elderly, and those with pre-existing medical issues. For the record, as I write this, I am one of those with a relevant pre-existing medical condition. I have had asthma and chronic lung illnesses since I was seven years old. Bronchitis and pneumonia are old if unwelcome friends. My daughter, 74 year old mother, and sister are all also in this group. It could also potentially send my wife into another MS flare should she become infected. So, yes, this is a concern for my family as well.

So far the average fatality rate worldwide that can be measured is hovering around 3.5%. By comparison, deaths from common influenzas hover around .09% of those infected if the sources I’ve been reading are right. What this does mean is that 96.5% of cases on average worldwide aren’t going to be fatal, and another figure I’ve heard from health authority sources is that 80% of those infected will only develop mild, cold like symptoms, with 20% requiring critical medical care. If we were to put those numbers into perspective, worldwide there is a population of about 7.7 billion. If every member of the human race became infected, we’re looking at about 269.5 million fatalities. The current population of the United States is 327.1 million. If every person in the US became infected, we are looking at 11.4 million fatalities.

I remember the SARS scare, as well as the Bird Flu (H1N1), the Swine Flu, Ebola, and others. But the reaction this time worldwide is unlike anything I’ve seen through all of these which were far more lethal. I think the panic which has developed about it is because there, as of yet, seems to be no way to actually contain it, at least not in the US. Tests exist, but not enough for our population size. Offically, there are now something like 4008 cases of this coronavirus in the United States, but in reality we really don’t know how many people are actually infected because people can transmit it without symptoms, and those displaying symptoms are being turned away when they go to seek testing. This is both worrying and encouraging. It’s worrying because it represents a completely broken pandemic response system for the US, but it’s encouraging because it also means that the actual fatality rate is likely lower than is being recognized for the reporting.

The truth is that the panic response is far more worrying than the virus itself. Stock markets are crashing. As was noted at the beginning, stores are being emptied. Businesses, schools, and entertainment venues are shutting down. Society as a whole is grinding to a halt because of a virus which the vast majority of people will recover from with only mild symptoms. At this point, it will not surprise me if the announcement is made that we’re going to start seeing national guard troops patrolling the streets to keep people in their houses.

In all of this, we need to keep some perspective. This is a virus, but it’s not a zombie apocalypse. It has a higher than normal fatality rate, but it’s not the black plague. Probability wise, depending on whether or not you’re in the group of people who are susceptible, even if you get it, you’ll survive. And, to be honest, even if you die from it, especially if you belong to Jesus Christ you are immediately transferred to His presence. It’s not a loss, it’s a win. There is no death, there is only Jesus Christ and resurrection. As I am one of those people who is likely to develop severe symptoms if I contract it, I do not say this lightly or flippantly, but sincerely. This life is worth nothing in comparison with the shedding of this corrupted mortality for incorruption and the full revelation and union with God through Jesus Christ.

Finally, be sensible. Be considerate. Be compassionate to others around you in whatever form that might need to take. But don’t be afraid, one way or the other.

A Ramble About God's Justice

I was recently reading back through the story between Jacob and Esau which covers Genesis 25:27 to all of chapter 33. When I was a kid, I think I had heard almost every Sunday School teacher and preacher who covered these twin brothers portray Jacob as the hero, and Esau was always the delinquent. After all, it was Jacob, later named Israel, through whom the promise came, right? Also, doesn’t the Scripture say, “Jacob have I loved, and Esau have I hated”?

But as I was going back through it, I saw something I hadn’t seen before. It became less about a tale of Jacob’s dubious heroics and Esau’s carelessness, and more about how God metes out justice to those who have been wronged. As we look through the text, we see Jacob extorting Esau’s birthright as the oldest brother, double what Jacob shuld have gotten, for a bowl of soup. Later, we see Jacob willfully committing fraud against his father and brother in order to receive the blessing meant for the eldest. In other words, Jacob was a cheat and a liar, and intended to steal what was rightfully his brother’s.

Now, the thing about Esau which stood out during this reading of these passages is that he wasn’t a bad son. He might have been more concerned about matters in the moment rather than the future, but he was dutiful towards his father, and actively sought to please his parents. His brother willfully intruded on that special relationship he had with his father and stomped on it. When he becomes enraged with Jacob to the point that he wants to kill him, its not like he doesn’t have reason.

Now, what’s interesting about this is what actually happens as opposed to what Jacob intended by his fraud and cheating.

Who actually inherits Isaac’s property? Esau. Because of Esau’s rage, Jacob runs east to go live with relatives for twenty years. Who do you think inherited Isaac’s property? Esau. And not just his own birthright double portion, but he also assumes control over Jacob’s portion as well because he’s not there to claim it. Not only did Jacob not succeed in making off with Esau’s birthright, but he lost his own inheritance from his father as well. Furthermore, Jacob himself is defrauded and cheated by his uncle for those twenty years, and only has any kind of property because God chose to give it to him through miraculous means.

Who actually bows down to whom? In Isaac’s blessing that was meant for Esau, he tells Jacob that his brothers would bow down before him. But in the text, what we see is Jacob bowing low before Esau seven times out of fear of him. If we are to take this blessing literally and in the moment, it went to the person Isaac intended it to go to, and not to the person who intended to steal it.

God may have chosen the line of Jacob for His promise, but He did not allow Esau to be defrauded in order to do it. Instead, he restored to Esau what was rightfully his, kept Esau’s hands free of his brother’s blood, and disciplined Jacob for twenty years because of it.

In this story, we also have a parallel with the prodigal son. But in this case, Esau plays the role of both wronged older brother, and the father in the parable just waiting to receive the prodigal Jacob back with open arms as family. He falls on his neck and weeps openly for joy that his brother has come home, and tries to refuse Jacob’s gifts meant to appease him because there’s nothing to appease any longer. Esau, after twenty years, has completely forgiven his brother who wronged him and is just happy to see him again.

In this story, God has both Jacob’s and Esau’s best interests at heart. He looks out for both of them, and while He does not choose Esau for His future purposes, He doesn’t abandon him either or let him suffer from his brother’s injustice towards him. And in the end, His purpose is reconciliation and restoration of relationship between them.