I started watching some old Deep Space Nine episodes on CBS All Access today. It was a story arc about Major Kira, and part of it had her be relieved of her duty. Not having anywhere else to go, she was invited to a monastery on Bajor, her homeworld, for some time to devote to her spiritual development. But after being there for several days, she was beginning to go a little nuts. She was used to being active, to being needed, to constantly getting things done. At the monastery she felt useless and out of place. She kept trying to place some stones on a pathway as part of a spiritual exercise, but every time she thought it was straight up close, she would step back farther away and it would look crooked to her. She then made the comment that the pathway was fine, but it was she who was crooked. At that point, the cleric (called a "vedik") said she was ready and took her to a chamber in the monastery where she was to encounter one of her religion's most sacred items, an orb. She asked him in a bit of a panic in the orb's presence, "What am I supposed to do?" His response was something like, "Just be useless for a while."
Lately, I've been slipping into a depression. I haven't really been able to put words to why, but I've been tense, sometimes angry, sometimes on the verge of tears with angry thoughts or feelings running through my mind (you don't know how thankful I am that it is the Lord who acts and speaks when I ask, and not me). When I saw this episode of DS9, it put words to my feelings. I've been feeling useless, but more to the point I've been seeing myself as useless during this time.
Right now, I'm just "waiting". I'm waiting on word back on the pastor position I sent in for. I was trying to do sermons online for a church up north, but was asked to stop until they know what they're doing or whether they're even going to survive as a congregation. I can't return to doing the spiritual care at UCI because of the COVID-19 orders. I feel like change is coming, but I don't know how soon exactly. Heidi's taken over care of Tressa during the day due to the strict fasting and diet they're on, and due to her treatments. At most, I'm providing a warm body with a Driver's License to my son so he can continue to get driving experience until he takes his test after his birthday.
And something within me is telling me I'm useless.
There is the story of Mary and Martha in the Gospels where Martha is running herself ragged while Mary is sitting listening to Jesus, and Martha asks Jesus to tell Mary to get up and help her. Martha essentially called Mary useless, or she at least insinuated it. But Jesus tells Martha, essentially, "no". Mary's uselessness was cool with Him. Mary needed to be useless in that moment in order to sit and be with Jesus.
It might be an odd source, but that DS9 episode reminded me that it's okay to feel useless. It's even useful to be useless at times, because that's when we are able to stop and pay attention to spiritual things more. That's when we're the most vulnerable. That's when we're the most ready to encounter what we need to.
I can't imagine I'm the only one who's been feeling this way lately. If you are, stop trying to be useful for the moment. Stop trying to be busy or look busy. Stop trying to prove your worth to yourself or anyone else. Just stop and listen. Pay attention. Just sit in His presence and hear what He has to say, or just sit in His presence when no one is saying anything. Sometimes this is the most profound, and most powerful of times, when there are no more words, and no more questions. When you are and He is.
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