"Are You Happy?"

 "Are you happy?"
Honestly, this is a question I don't like to be asked because, at least for me, it's always a complicated answer no matter what my circumstances. There are things I enjoy doing. There are quiet moments when I look around at where I'm at, I listen to the waterfall on the lake, I smell the fragrance of the trees, the grasses, and yes, even the animals and I take it all in, and I feel... somewhat at peace or at least restored to it. When I interact with or play with the animals, the dogs, the goats, and even the chickens I feel a sense of... what? Joy, happiness, pleasure?
     But am I "happy"? The truth is, I don't know that I really know what that means. The older I get, the more I realize that there is a depression at the center of my psyche that has been there for as long as I can remember. When I was younger, it was broken up occasionally with short highs that I wouldn't necessarily call "mania" but they got to the point where I became incredibly uncomfortable with the swings, and so I intentionally tried to force myself onto an even keel emotionally. I would say this was right around mid to late High School for me. I became sort of afraid to express too much "happiness" or reveal that I really liked something because of how it was expressed when I was younger, and the older I got, the more that was ingrained into my behavior.
     Now, I am pushing fifty and middle age is upon me, and more recently I have been confronted with this question as someone else pointed out that I am going through my own version of a mid-life crisis. And the truth is that I had kind of given up on achieving "happiness" a long time ago. Instead, I think I tried to replace it with just trying to do the right thing, to be the right kind of person, and so on, just waiting until my time here on Earth was done. Ironically, that usually didn't go as planned either, as my intentions to do and be the "right thing" to do and be almost always went sideways on me.
      Emotions come and go. Happiness and sadness are like the tides that come in on the beach and go back out again because they are emotions. But there is a deeper thing here than just momentary happiness or sadness. The depression that lies at the heart or core of my psyche has made me so worn out, so tired, and this accompanied by the various stressors which I have had in my life have taken their physical toll on me too, more so that they probably should have for a man my age.
      I've never considered happiness to be a necessary thing, but I think I'm coming to learn that it is a part of my own mind's health which I have neglected for far too long. There is an idea in Buddhism that the body must not be catered to, but it must be cared for like an injured limb. It must be fed, clothed, washed, and generally taken care of or else, like the injured limb, it will not heal properly. In neglecting the necessity of this deeper happiness, my own mental health has not healed properly either, and at time it is showing.
      I need to do a better job of caring for my own mental health, or else it will continue to impact, not only myself, but those around me negatively. By caring for my own mental health, I am also caring for those around me who love me, and even those with whom I interact even if they don't know me, and even those with whom I have no interaction but those who know me interact with.