A Ramble About Courage

“Courage is not the absence of fear...” I've been reflecting a lot on these words lately because, if it was, then I would be about as cowardly as they come. I've been so fearful so often over this past month that my internal “fear alarm” feels like it's actually beginning to wear out. I've had stress headaches, upset stomachs, and bowel problems (let's leave it at that) for weeks. I was watching something on TV last night (Brain Games on NatGeo) that intentionally tried to surprise-scare the viewer to make a point about the fear reaction. My body didn't jump in the slightest. Was I fearless? No. I'm just worn out from it.

Our RV was repaired and released back to us yesterday. With yet more fear and dread I got a ride over to the autoshop's office to receive the bill for the services. It was, as I was afraid, way beyond my ability to pay at the moment. And yet God, in His mercy, put such a kind and generous heart into the owner of the shop, and those around us, that the pastor of Kingman Christian said that the church would cover part of it, and as for the rest I was told, “just pay me when you can.” I do not know when that will be, but I trust that God does and He will make a way.

Another passage that has been going through my mind frequently is Joshua 1:9 which reads:

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.” (ESV)

This passage was a part of the lectionary readings from months ago just before we left Idaho for Arizona. It stood out at the time, and it continues to do it now as God continuously reminds me of this.

I am now looking forward to the rest of our planned journey. I know that it will not go completely according to my plan, because it hasn't yet gone according my plan. And the truth is that, if this has been the very beginning of it, then what lies ahead truly frightens me. In spite of everything that God has done for us. In spite of all the myriad of ways He has provided for us, sheltered us, protected us, and introduced us to people that have helped to shape and cement our vision into something we can present visually and say, “This is what we're talking about. This is what we want to do.” In spite of every way He has reminded me of His love, faithfulness, and His constant presence, I am still fearful of what is going to happen next. I know it will honor and glorify Him. And just based on what has happened here, I know that He will use our weaknesses (and I in particular have many of them) to demonstrate His glory and strength. We will be leaving Kingman tonight based on His strength, because we have none of our own.

And that is the point of it all. The point isn't to demonstrate how fearless, how good, holy, or righteous I or my family is. The point isn't to magnify ourselves or draw attention to ourselves. God does all these things to draw attention to Him using us and our weaknesses to do it. This is the whole point and “mechanism” of charismata (spiritual gifts), miracles, and demonstrations of His power. Not for my glory, not for people to look at me and say, “He's all that!” No, not in the slightest. God forbid it should be. It's for them to look at what was done and say, “Look, that's impossible for him. Only God could have done that.” It doesn't matter if I'm fearless or terrified through it all, it only matters that I recognize that there is something else more important than my terror and trust Him to see me through it when I make the decision to jump off the (metaphorical... mostly) cliff off which He tells me to jump.

When God tells me to be strong and courageous, there are two things I now must keep in mind. The first is that He means it, because there's going to be stuff happening that only He can deal with, and it's otherwise going to send me into the fetal position. The second is that I'm going to be afraid and I have to come to terms with my fear. As a human being, there isn't much I can do about it unless my “fear alarm” breaks completely. I have to accept that fact and move on with it. Where the crux of the matter lies is in not allowing that fear to keep me from doing what He tells me to do, even knowing the possible kind of trouble obedience is going to get my family and I into. In the book of Acts, obedience got the Apostles into massive amounts of trouble; jail time, beatings, riots, shipwrecks, and executions but they still went and did it, even knowing what would happen if they did. I would like to think that it will get easier the more we obey and see His hand. I know it already has from where I was even a few years ago, but it seems like it's now being taken to the next level and so that fear of the unknown comes creeping back in.

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but the judgment that something else is more important than fear.” God knows we're going to be afraid, and that's ok, as long as we make the judgment that what results from obeying Him is far more important than the fear which grips us.