A Ramble About Cold Buckets of Water

Recently, I had the unpleasant experience of reopening a comment thread which I thought had been closed for a week or more. It was started by a status update by a good friend of mine that sounded good, but for some reason didn't quite sit well with me, so I responded with my slight disagreement. He responded back, to which I responded with "no arguments from me." I thought that was the end of it, and didn't see any more comments directed at me, so I believed it was over and done with.



Then, very late at night as I was getting punchy and way past ready for bed, another person whom I did not know commented on the thread. This person directed their comments solely at my previous post from the week prior and took issue with it. My wife warned me against responding, and I should have listened, but I responded anyway. This morning, I awoke to two more comments, to which I responded four more. Then, my friend jumped in taking issue with my statements, and the person with whom I was now arguing also posted two more. The last I saw of the comment thread, two other people started arguing about something else entirely. I am now regretting not listening to my wife.



I have been asking myself this question since this morning, "why did I feel the need to respond in the first place?" I'm not sure I like the answers. They involve my own sense of self-importance, my own sense of pride, my own ego running unchecked. The further the comment thread went, the more I realized that the person wasn't going to consider or listen to anything I said, and turn what I did say around to mean something I didn't intend, and yet I still felt impelled to win my case against an adversary who would not listen in the first place. I had already lost my case before I really had a chance to present it and the only person that wasn't convinced of that fact was me. Because of my ego, I took the bait and reopened a friendly disagreement and it exploded into an argument about faith vs. works or law vs. grace.This was something I was trying to avoid to begin with especially because these arguments are pointless and miss the point entirely.



I spent most of this morning frustrated, on edge, and near anger because the person wouldn't listen to what I was saying. That wasn't this person's fault. It was my choice to be frustrated with it. It was my choice to allow my ego to demand to be seen as something important. It was my own delusion which I allowed myself to fall into. It had nothing to do with this person. I allowed what this person thought of me to dictate how I see myself, and when this person wouldn't play along, I became frustrated.



The truth is, it was a cold bucket of water kind of reminder that I still have this disorder as well. I am not immune to it, and the more I may believe myself relieved of it, then the more I am coming under its illusions. I suppose I should be thankful to this person who baited me. It's hard to be thankful for something like this, but then I have to consider how much more deluded I may have become and how much more painful of a wake up call it might have taken to get my attention. It wasn't the first of its kind, neither will it be the last. These kinds of wake up calls are part of the Lord's mercy towards us to show us our failings and humble us and they are healthy for us, even if we hate when they're happening.



So, to the person who gave me this cold bucket of water on my ego this morning, I say thank you. To the people who may have been hurt by my taking the bait, I am deeply and truly sorry.