The word "trauma" is actually a loan word from ancient Greek. Literally, it means "wound, hurt, or heavy blow." This word can be used to describe a blow to a ship damaging enough to sink it.
Lately I've been wrestling with fears of loss which I thought I had worked through and left behind, but certain circumstances brought to the surface again. I really freaked out where the dogs were concerned, and, to my shame, went off on other members of our family because I was terrified they were going to freeze to death outside. We had all done everything we could do to keep that from happening, and we couldn't bring them into the house for very legitimate reasons, including their own health. Heidi and Cindy had to talk me down from my panicking, and remind me that, no matter what, we did everything we could do to prepare, and now we had to trust that God would keep them alive. the most off thing about it was that I wasn't really concerned about losing the goats, chickens, and rabbits. I think I just figured they'd be okay in the barn with the heat lamps, though I knew at sub-zero temps they could only do so much. It really became irrational.
I've also been wrestling with the loss of my Leatherman, which I do use for nearly everything around the farm. Thing is, I have other knives, and I have use of other multi-tools until I'm able to find or replace it. But I've been nearly panicking about that too.
There are other things which have been going off in my head too which I've been wrestling with, but these two things are the easiest to use for illustrations. At first, I didn't know why I'd been reacting so strongly and fearfully, but then it came to me. I was terrified of losing the dogs because of all of the dogs I'd had to give up in the past. The most recent was Bel back in Arkansas, but before that we'd had to give up, that is, put down Jojo in Idaho. Before that had been a puppy Heidi and I were going to raise when we were engaged in Canada, and which we had to give back. And for me personally, there was also Mija who had been my mother's dog, but to which I was very attached. And before that, when I was a small child, there was Becky, who we had to give up when we moved from a house into an apartment. I was really upset about the Leatherman because of all of the other personal possessions I'd lost or had to give up over our journeys. As much as I'd tried to just push on, ignore it, do the right thing as much as I could, deep down all of those losses really affected and hurt me. And as much as I'd gone through and let them go at one point, there they were again, triggering panic and fear reactions that had my stomach in knots, triggered migraines, and had me blurting out hurtful things to those dearest to me.
Attachment and love are two different things. Attachment is not love. Attachment results in fear, anger, hatred, and so on. Attachment twists even the best of intentions into a steamroller of harm, hurting relationships, and destroying lives. Love lets go. Love trusts. Love cannot be threatened by loss. Don't mistake attachment for love. They are very different, and produce very different fruit. Attachments aren't love, though they are often mistaken for it, and neither are they beneficial. They're harmful and trigger threat responses which cause damage even when I or anyone else have the best of intentions. Attachments are the foundation of being hurt or wounded. Attachments are the first building block of trauma. You cannot be traumatized at losing a thing if you are not attached to that thing. Neither can you be traumatized at gaining a thing if you are not attached to keeping that thing away from you.
The letting go of things to which you are attached, regardless of what they are and as I continually find out, is not a once and done proposition. At least, it's not for me. It's something which must be done again and again until it lessens to the point where it is no longer an issue. The deeper and more serious the wound, the longer it takes to heal and fully close. The deeper the trauma, the longer it takes to fully be free from it.
In order to move forward, trauma must be acknowledged for what it is, and dealt with as though treating any other wound. It must be cared for, bandaged, stitched if need be, and checked periodically to see if more treatment is needed. The deeper the trauma, the more care and time is needed.
Heidi and Cindy talked me down, and they were right. God has done miracles to keep our animals, all of our animals, alive. The Leatherman will likely turn up when the snow melts. If not, it's possible to replace it. As far as the other ghosts in my head, that's all they are is ghosts which no longer exist, if they did at all, except in my head. The past is gone, the future hasn't happened. There is only right now, this moment.
I hope in writing these experiences, it helps others to understand and work through caring for their own deep hurts and outbursts.
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