A Ramble About Lessons Learned And Mistakes Made

I made a mistake tonight. It was one I did know better, but succumbed to the temptation anyway. I let a family member know that I didn't have the money for rent at the end of the month without them asking about it first.

We recently moved from the ranch property we were living on in Northern Idaho down to Bullhead City, Arizona, about an hour south of Las Vegas. Our principle reason for doing so was because my dad recently came to live with my sister there, and they both wanted us to come down. The preparation for the trip and the trip down ate through everything we had for getting down here, so we arrived with very little in the way of funds. I immediately began looking for work and filling out job applications. I recently had a phone interview which went pretty well. But it's only a week until the next month's rent is due, and the job for which I applied will still be a while at the least in seeing a paycheck.

The truth is that I've had my stomach tied in knots since we got here because of the money issue and the ability to make rent and pay bills. My mind is constantly bombarded with it no matter how many applications I fill out. And so tonight when I called her, only really intending on letting her know how the interview went, I let slip my problem as I saw it.

Here's the thing. I know better. Over the past two years I've seen God take us to the brink to where we had only enough food left for one meal, and then provide for us in amazing ways. He's challenged our faith in ways that have been both terrifying and awe inspiring. I've written here in my Rambles about the lessons He's taught us through these things, and I've learned to wait on Him and be patient even when it seems like there's no possibility that anything could come from anywhere, because I know He loves us and has promised to provide for us. So yes, I do know better. And I know that God is faithful to provide for us the things we need each day.

But this incident also reminds me that just because I've learned that lesson, it doesn't mean that I'm incapable of making the same mistake again. In the process of moving and trying to adapt to our new surroundings, I know I haven't taken the time to pray and meditate as I need to. I've allowed fear and panic to set in and slowly begin to invade my mind, and I've allowed myself to become attached to the new circumstances enough to where I've become afraid to lose them. Further, as St. Paul writes, because I learned these lessons before, I thought I stood pretty well, and so I was blindsided when my fall came.

Every action has consequences which follow it, and I am praying that my mistake, my lack of faith tonight won't have severe consequences for myself and my family or for my relationship with that family member whom I've only really begun to get to know.

I know that peace and security only comes when I let go of all these things and just trust Him. I have learned this before. But these kinds of mistakes are what happens when I cease to be watchful and allow fear and doubt to creep in. It was a good, if painful reminder.