When the Self Dies, It Dies Hard

 "When the self dies, it dies hard." - Watchman Nee

     I remember reading these words from Watchman Nee's book "The Normal Christian Life" thirty years ago now. For those who don't know, this book is Watchman Nee's commentary on Romans 1-8, with a special focus on chapters 6-8, but it was much more than that. It was my first real "manual" to understanding what dying with Christ and walking in the Spirit meant. Looking back at it now, I know I didn't understand most of what he was talking about then, but it set me on a path to try and discover just what Paul meant, and one that's been going on since that point in time.

     One might equate the "ego" with the "self" which Watchman Nee wrote about, and I don't think they'd be wrong. If this is the case, then I can attest to the truth of this statement, because I've been wrestling with my ego for a very long time. What's almost ironic about this is that it's my ego continuously trying to prove itself, and continuously botching it. Why do I take certain things so personally? My ego. I become fearful, angry, and defensive if I feel like the things with which I most self-identify come under attack. And really, not I per se, but any threat to the ego triggers this malfunctioning survival response about which I have written so much. It constantly gets in the way of my discipleship to the Way because it is the thing to which I am most attached either positively or negatively.

      God knows this very well. I have often thought that it is because of my ego that He has not permitted me to get the Master's, and has not permitted me to remain in a traditional pastorate, or a teaching position, or anything for which I was trained, educated, and am actually capable. To do so would have been far more harmful for me spiritually, and possibly far more harmful for those around me.

      In one of my favorite quotes, the Buddha said, "Where self is, truth is not. Where truth is, self is not." The ego, the self, is the result of the malfunctioning brain trying to cope with not being able to maintain a constant connection with God the Father, which would be our natural state. It is entirely born of this malfunctioning survival response, deriving an identity from what pleases and what displeases, and is really a product of this perpetual panic mode which cuts us off. Fear, or panic, and Love cannot coexist in the same place. If love is truth, and self is the result of fear, than just as the Buddha said, "Where fear is, love is not. Where love is, fear is not." And also John who wrote, "Love brought to completion tosses fear [panic] outside."

     For me, I think I cling to the things which comprise my ego, my self-identity, because without them I feel worthless. I tell myself, unconsciously, that I have no value without what I know, what I can do, and who I think myself to be. I have no meaning. And so this triggers this malfunctioning survival response. But all of these things are in fact lies. Because meaning has nothing to do with who I think myself to be, but meaning has to do with how I treat others. Meaning has to do with how I empathize, how I see myself in others, and them in me. 

     When this body finally dies, and the malfunctioning brain dies with it, there will be nothing left of the self-identity I cling so fiercely to, being a product of a malfunctioning physical brain. And when I stand and experience that life review or judgment seat, it won't be based on what I knew, what I could do, or how great I was. It will be based on how loving, how compassionate, and how kind I was to those around me.