A Ramble About Faith and Obedience

My wife came to me a few days ago and asked if she could could post a Ramble she had written on my blog. So, here it is...

I usually leave the rambles to my husband, but this morning I felt it was time for me to contribute one as well. This is a subject my husband has covered many times in his rambles, but I think this time I need to share on an even more personal level.

We have both believed for many years that faith and obedience are so linked that they can be covered as a single subject, and yet knowing that and living it out are two totally different things. It's relatively easy to go through and study the Scriptures and then share your thoughts and ideas with others, but truly implementing those thoughts and ideas into your daily life in the way God is calling you individually to do so is far easier said than done. It's a long, slow process that can at times be very confusing and painful.

Why is it so confusing and painful? I don't know about you, but I have never opened my Bible and found a personal note saying, “Heidi Bair, this is what I want you to do with your life and here is how you are to accomplish it in your current circumstances.” That would be wonderful, but it's just not there. And while looking at other people's lives, both past and present, who have followed the Lord and made a difference because of their faith and obedience can be very encouraging, my life and circumstances aren't just like any of theirs either, and I'm not called to exactly the same thing.

By this I don't mean that we aren't all called to love and forgive one another or any of the other specifics that are talked about in Scripture. What I am saying is that none of our lives will look exactly like anyone else's, even if we all followed everything Jesus said without fault, which none of us can do. We are all a part of the Body of Christ, but we're not all the same part.

So how do we know what it is God is calling us as individuals to do? How do we hear His voice in our lives today on decisions that aren't covered specifically in Scripture? What do we do when we know (from Scripture) that God is calling us to serve Him in every area of our lives, but the Bible doesn't tell us directly where we are supposed to live, what job we're supposed to do, who we are supposed to marry (or not marry), or how many kids we're supposed to have? And what about the smaller, day to day decisions of life that also aren't covered in Scripture? How do we know that we're doing what He wants, especially when our lives don't look the way other people think they should look, no matter how hard we try?

The answer to this is both simple and difficult, encouraging and extremely frustrating. The answer is that God works with each one of us in a different way, and communicates His will for our lives in a way that we as individuals can best understand. The way God talks to you will not be the same as the way He talks to me, because we are not the same people. I don't see life in the same way you do, because my experiences and perceptions are different from yours. But there are things we can use as guidelines to make sure that we are truly hearing His voice instead of our own voice (based on our desires) or, even worse, the voice of the enemy.

First, and most important, we need to ask the Lord to guide us in our lives and decisions and then expect that He will actually answer. If we don't believe He will answer, we won't be listening and will always miss His answers. Whether that answer is His still small voice in our hearts, or an unexplained and unexpected circumstance, or a friend coming with a word of wisdom, etc., we will miss it because we aren't listening.

Second, and also extremely important, is that God will not ask you to do something that is contrary to His Word. If you feel like God has asked you to murder, or steal, or gossip, or act maliciously or out of revenge, or anything else that is contrary to what He taught, then that “leading” is not from God, however it is presented.

Third, we need to be spending time with Him. The better we know Him, the better we will recognize His voice. Just as two people who have been happily married for many, many years know each other well enough that a simple look can convey the same message as a whole conversation would have in the beginning of their relationship, so also our relationship with the Lord should be growing closer and more intimate the longer we know Him. If we don't spend any time with Him, we shouldn't be surprised that we aren't hearing His voice. Every relationship takes time and effort, and our relationship with Him is the most important relationship we will ever have.

Fourth, it takes time. No relationship develops overnight. No marriage begins with two people knowing each other as intimately as is possible. Just because you don't yet feel that you've heard God's voice in your life doesn't mean that you won't. It just means that your relationship needs more work to develop to the point where you can hear His voice. If you haven't asked Him and aren't listening, you won't hear His answer. If you don't know His Word and haven't spent time with Him, you won't know if what you are doing is contrary to His Word or to the leading of His Spirit or not. And just because you don't hear in the same way as someone else you know or have read about, doesn't mean you won't hear from Him in a different way. He knows you intimately regardless of how well you know Him, and He will lead you in the best way for you, irregardless of how He leads someone else.

Now for the part where I share on a more personal note. Many people have questioned us on how we are led by the Lord over the years, and more frequently lately we've had friends directly tell us they don't believe we could be hearing from the Lord because our circumstances are too hard for us to have been obedient to Him. My husband has borne the brunt of this because of his seeming inability to find a job over the past 3 years especially. Irregardless of the fact that there are many people in this position in this country right now, there are other reasons in our case that we know about but have previously tried to ignore.

The truth is that while we have tried to be obedient to the Lord in our lives, there have been a couple of areas where we have tried to keep one foot in the world so to speak. We have sold this to ourselves because we thought that being fully obedient could “hurt someone else's faith because it's too different and therefore might not be loving.” But the absolute truth is, we've been afraid. We've been afraid of losing friends that we care about. We've been afraid of acting without the backing of a specific church or denomination. We've been afraid of being fully honest with ourselves or others about what God has called us to do because we don't understand it all right now or know how to do it.

The truth is, three years ago when Allen's last job at a Children's Home in Idaho ended, the Lord let both of us know separately that this would be the last “regular” job either of us were to have. As far as the how, it is hard to explain specifically how either of us hear from Him as it is different for each of us, but we have tried for many years to use the methods I outlined above. For me personally it is often an impression I feel deeply on my heart, and then I have to go through the methods above to try and test what I've gotten and make sure it is actually from the Lord. I can't speak for what Allen hears, but I can say that throughout the years we have more and more often gotten the exact same thing on the exact same day, and it is often something that neither of us would have desired ourselves.

In this case it was certainly not something either of us desired. We wanted to start the Mission for the disabled we had felt for years the Lord had laid on our hearts, but we were waiting for the right circumstances to start it. We felt we needed the backing of a church and full financial support before we could even consider starting it. After all, that is what many overseas mission boards require before a missionary is ever sent to their chosen field. So until that point, we felt that at least one of us needed a regular job so that we wouldn't hurt anyone's faith by needing the assistance of anyone.

So when we both got this from the Lord, and continued to get it after 40 days of prayer and a type of fasting (I'm not physically capable of a full fast, so we have to give up other things that help us more fully focus on Him besides food), we decided to try doing a business from home since that wouldn't be a “regular job” as we saw it. When that didn't go anywhere despite all our efforts, Allen then wrote a book and published it, thinking maybe that would help us support our family. When that brought in even less income then our failed business attempt, Allen started applying little by little to other “regular” jobs as well, despite the fact we both felt that it was wrong for us. We had people (understandably) thinking that we just didn't want to work, and that our problem was laziness and not a lack of available jobs. And even when Allen started trying to find regular work again despite what we had both gotten from the Lord, the accusations continued because for one reason or another none of the jobs Allen applied for would hire him regardless of how qualified he might be for it.

To make a long story as short as possible, from that time on things seemed to look worse and worse. We didn't understand why nothing was working out, and we both started struggling more and more with depression. Allen started having a harder and harder time waking up in the morning, which made him start to feel like people were right and he must just be lazy, and my health and energy started to suffer again despite our diet and lifestyle changes that had been helping so greatly before. Neither of us wanted to see these things however, and we tried to put on a good face for everyone around us. I was still able to do far more than I had been when I first became ill, so I focused on that while talking with friends and family. I left out the fact that I was still barely able to keep up with very basic day to day chores, and that some days I couldn't do them at all. I thought that would just bring more judgment on us, and as we were already feeling worthless and useless ourselves I didn't feel that I could bear the condemnation of others too. So I tried to only talk with people on my good days, which were starting to become few and far between.

After a couple of years of this, the Lord then directed us to move to Arizona. I didn't want to move to Arizona because I've always struggled with a fear of the desert (having grown up in a town where two large rivers meet), and because we still had no guarantee of work. But things had also changed to where we couldn't stay where we were, and Arizona was the only option that opened to us. So we moved to Arizona hoping that things would finally be different. Allen again started looking for work despite the fact that we both again felt that he was not supposed to get a regular job. But people were watching us, and we didn't want to “do nothing” as we saw it and appear lazy. And again, though Allen got several promising interviews, something always happened where he didn't get the job, and the accusations started again even louder.

Then a couple of months into our stay in Arizona, we were given an RV seemingly out of the blue by a couple we had only met once. This threw us for a loop because a little over two years before both Allen and I had felt that the Lord might ask us to go as missionaries around the U.S. in an RV, but as we didn't have an RV at the time it didn't seem very pressing. We agreed that if the Lord gave us an RV without our seeking one, then yes, we would go where He told us when He told us. But who would ever give us an RV? That would certainly not be normal. So guess what?

So despite everything in us screaming that we were crazy, we let people know that we were actually getting started on the Mission that God had asked us to start years before, and that we were going to get in the RV He gave us and start doing research around the country for that purpose.

As a full account of that journey would take way too long here, I'll just say that the Lord again proved Himself over and over again as He led us from place to place with no visible means of support. I'd be lying if I said we weren't scared to death from time to time as the situations we found ourselves in were completely foreign to anything we were used to, but the Lord was faithful. And then suddenly, part way through what we expected to be our return trip to Arizona, we both felt that it was about time for us to stop. But we had nowhere to go, and didn't know why or how we would stop. So we gave it to the Lord and asked Him to let us know where He wanted us and that He would give us a safe place to be. Within just a few days of this we stopped at one of Allen's relatives' places in Arkansas as we had been invited to visit for a few days. Within an hour or two of arriving, when Allen tried to hook up our power to their power pole outlet, all of our wiring suddenly went up in smoke and Allen had to rush to unplug before the whole RV went up in flames. He was just in time to save the RV itself, but all of the wiring that was connected to the batteries was a melted, nasty mess.

Again, long story short, while both Allen and I were very unhappy about the state of our RV (and our only means of transportation), we both also felt that this is where the Lord wanted us and that this time we weren't supposed to try and fix the RV. We both felt that the Lord wanted us to start a smaller scale version of the bigger Mission here, and that it was time to get started. So in some ways we started to get excited, thinking that within a short time the Lord would provide the land and allow us to get to work on building a smaller version of the Ranch for disabled kids. But instead the situation seemed to get harder and harder again, with no income and winter coming on with us still in the RV with a burned out heater and very little propane left even for cooking on our stove. While the Lord did provide for all of these circumstances right when we needed the most help, the voices of condemnation started again, both inside and out, and Allen started looking for work again despite the same message we had gotten before. And again, though there are a couple of chicken plants in this area that will supposedly hire just about anyone immediately, for some reason Allen couldn't get even them to call him back for work. He was hired on as a sub in a school over 30 miles away, but after a couple weeks of encouragement when they called him several times a week, that too seemed to dry up. And when he finally did get a call at the end of January for work, it was the last straw as the phone service went out seconds into the phone call and refused to come back on, and Allen had just been told the evening before by his uncle that the truck he would usually use for getting to work would be unavailable for several days. So not only could he not get to work, he couldn't even call the school back and let them know what was happening or why he couldn't show up for the day. He became almost inconsolable at this point, and it was quite a while before I was able to let him know what I had been getting from the Lord while all of this was happening.

Suddenly things seemed to make sense. I finally realized that the Lord had been disciplining us, but not for being lazy and not wanting to work. He had been disciplining us because He had already given us a job to do, and we weren't doing it. We were waiting for the circumstances to “line up” just right, and we were panicking and being disobedient to Him when things didn't look the way we expected them to look. We were trying to obey people instead of God. We wanted people to see Allen looking for work because we wanted to fit in with what we felt others expected of us, not because we believed it to be right for our family. So while I am certainly not saying that I think someone having a “regular job” is a bad thing, for us it is wrong because we are being disobedient when trying to do it.

The Lord also let me know that we are looking at all of this in the wrong way. What would we be doing if we had been sent to a foreign field? The first thing would be to learn the language and culture of the people we were working with. We feel called to work with the severely disabled here in this country. So in the same way, the first step is not acquiring land, but learning the language of the people we are trying to reach. We need to learn sign language for starters, not just for the deaf, but also for those who cannot communicate in any other way because of physical and/or mental disability, autism, and for those who are both deaf and blind. We have started doing this now with a book we were able to get a couple of days after the Lord got our attention in this way. We will also need to learn the culture of families here in the U.S. that have children with severe disabilities. I had never thought of it in that way before, but the lifestyle of a family with a severely disabled child would have to be different than a family where everyone is “normal” and healthy, and therefore a different “culture” would be shared among those families that have had to adapt to their child's special needs. We don't yet have the resources, like a vehicle, to go visit hospitals and such to start learning that culture yet, but I know the Lord will provide it when it is time.

We know full well that in deciding to be full-time missionaries here in the U.S. without the backing of a specific church or denomination will raise a lot of eyebrows and cause many people to feel justified in their opinion that we are lazy and just want an excuse not to work. And there is no way they could know just how badly we want to get started on the work we are called to, no matter how hard it may be. But we need to make the choice now whether we are going to fully obey what the Lord has called us to do and act in faith, or whether we're going to continue to try and please people instead of God. The truth is, even though we were trying to please people, it wasn't working anyway. And in being afraid that our friends might condemn us, we backed off and allowed our fear and depression to control our lives and in doing so alienated the very friends we were afraid of losing.

Living in faith and obedience isn't easy, and for all of us there will be a cost if we decide to fully give ourselves to God's will for our lives. That cost will be different for each of us just as the things God has called us to are different, but no one who gives themselves fully to God is choosing the easy way. We each have to count the cost for ourselves, and then decide whether we will pick up our crosses and follow Him or not.

As for me and my house, come what may, we will serve the Lord.