A Reflection on Racism

I've been thinking about racism recently, especially my own. I don't consider myself racist in any way. I have admired and looked up to many people of color over my life. I have some small amount of Native American ancestry through my great-great grandmother, but that doesn't usually count these days (though it certainly did in the 1800s), and the rest of my ancestry is from the British Isles in some way prior to the American colonies.

I have observed that every time I randomly imagine a mugger or a gang member, I virtually always imagine a person of color before I realize what I have done and change the image wilfully. The strange thing about this is that I did not grow up in an area where this should have even been a thing. I grew up in a very multiracial and multiethnic Orange County, CA where you would just as easily see an African American lawyer or doctor as you would a white or Hispanic one. You would just as easily see a white or Asian gang member as you would one who is African American or Hispanic. I was an early supporter of Barack Obama's candidacy for president largely because I respected the opinions of Oprah Winfrey who first promoted him highly.

So, why would I, of all people, imagine a person of color when I imagine a random thug?

The more I think about this question, the more I think it has to do with the media I consumed growing up. Television, movies, etc. Typically, in seventies, eighties, and even nineties media the roles of low level criminals, gang members, and thugs would virtually always be played by people of color. This stereotype was rampant in those productions which I, being largely homebound and having few friends as a kid, consumed constantly.

I have since grown beyond that subliminal programming, I hope, but that those associations remain in my psyche disturbs me. It also makes me think about how many other Americans received similar cultural programming through media and racial stereo typing just passed down from generation to generation. Whether we are consciously or actively racist, which I would like to think I am consciously and actively anti-racist, those associations which we were taught early on are still present in our psychological make up.

I think that if we, as a nation and as a culture, are to move past the cultural and societal racism which, let's face it, American culture was built on, we need to recognize this early programming for what it is and turn away from it.

A Very Personal Ramble

What I'm about to talk about is very personal to me. I'm sharing it here in the hopes that my experiences and struggles may be of some benefit to someone else.

I have previously written about the passing of my dad. What may not be common knowledge, though I have made no secret of it, is that my dad left us shortly before I turned six years old. The last time I saw my dad prior to February of 2013 was in October of 1983. I was eight years old. My dad did not raise me.

I have struggled throughout my life with older men and father figures because in the end, they have all ended up leaving or giving up on me. To be fair, I was not an easy kid to stick with, or a teenager, or a young adult for that matter. I have made no secret about that either. But be this as it may, one by one they all left or abandoned me to my own devices whether they were relatives, "big brothers," pastors, teachers, or spiritual leaders.

I don't think I realized exactly how deep this hurt was in my life until last night when it all came to the surface. At 44 years old, I spent part of last night sobbing silently in my bed when it hit me, trying to keep my kids from hearing me (my life was house sitting elsewhere).

What was more about this is how it has affected my relationship with God. I realized that I have also always been terrified of Him leaving me too. I know all the Scriptures regarding that not happening (I can probably quote them to you in both Greek and English), but there is a difference between knowing something, even believing it, and feeling it. And as I was sobbing, the question was asked me, "would I even abandon my kids regardless of anything that might do?" For me, of course the answer was "No. Absolutely not." And my kids know this. They might screw up, they might get into fights, do the wrong thing, land in jail, what have you. But they will always be my kids, and I will always be their father no matter what. I made that decision, that choice, early on the same way that Heidi and I made that decision towards each other early on.

And then the same was impressed upon me and towards me. God is my Dad. He has never abandoned me before, and He will never abandon me, no matter what I do. That's what a father does. That's what family is supposed to do. It's not about deserving it. It's about that familial relationship which exists which cannot "unexist." In reality, He's the only father and father figure who has never deserted me regardless of what I have said or done.

The truth is, I know I'm not the easiest person to mentor. And maybe that time for someone to take that role in my life has long past and is no longer possible. But the truth is, right now, I could have really used someone like a father to come alongside me and tell me everything's going to be okay like I tell my kids when some disaster strikes. I think, in many ways, I have tried to be the father to my kids that I never had. Admittedly, I think I'm terrible at it, but from what I've observed, most fathers feel the same way at some point in time. I can only thank God that He, more often than not, steps in and fathers them through me where I cannot (which is pretty much all the time).

I don't know who this ramble might help as I sit here and write it, but I set it out to say that if any of this rings familiar, that you're not alone.

About Being a Pastor

Most people think that a pastor's primary job is to preach on Sundays, and so all the emphasis goes into how good of a sermon they can deliver. This is not a pastor, this is a person who delivers a TEDx talk once a week.

The word "pastor" comes from Latin and literally means "shepherd." The word used in Greek which is translated as "pastor" in most English translations literally just means "shepherd". Shepherds don't stand up and give a rousing speech to their flocks once a week. Shepherds watch their flocks for hours on end and through the night as they graze to keep them safe from predators. Shepherds (in particular ancient shepherds) don't hand feed their sheep generally. They move them, guiding them from safe pasture to safe pasture and watch over them while they graze on the greens they find there. Each sheep and lamb represents a serious investment of time and resources, and so each one matters. Sheep are going to be sheep, which means they are going to get themselves in trouble on occasion. The shepherd doesn't judge them for it. He doesn't punish them for it (seriously, you really can't train sheep worth anything). He plans for it and takes care that they don't get into too much trouble. If one sheep wanders too far away, they go after them and guide them back to the rest of the flock so that none of them are lost. If one of the flock gets stuck, they take the time to free it. If one of the flock is injured, they care for it. They do all this because each head of livestock matters to the owner of the flock, and a loss of even one represents a financial blow. All of this is doubly true if the shepherd himself is the owner of the flock.

My favorite story which exemplifies what it means to be a pastor comes from Eusebius' History of the Church. In it, he relates a story about the Apostle John in his later years before he died. A much older, very senior John brought a young man whom he had been discipling and left him in the care of the bishop of a certain town in Asia Minor and then left for a while needing to travel elsewhere. After John was gone for a while, the young man fell away and fell in with a gang of thieves and bandits and eventually ran away to their hideout at the top of a mountain. When John returned he asked the Bishop for the "treasure" he had left in his care. Confused, the Bishop didn't know what he was talking about. Then John clarified that he was talking about the young man. The Bishop then explained what had happened, and without saying as much had basically written him off. John however, a man in his eighties or nineties, took it upon himself to travel the dangerous path up into the mountains on his own to the bandits' hideout to find the young man to plead with him to return with him. He stayed there for days, weeks maybe until finally he had reached the young man and he agreed to return with the Apostle.

This is what it means to be a pastor. As pastors, we are given care or charge of those the Lord brings into our lives to watch over, guide, and protect from predators. It is our responsibility, not to hand feed the sheep, but to guide them to safe pastures where they can graze. If one wanders off or runs because another shepherd has abused it, it is our responsibility to care for it and do everything we are empowered to do to bring it home. I have heard and seen far too many pastors write off sheep who run or wander as not worth the effort because they have the rest of the flock to watch.

The primary job of a pastor is to care and be responsible with the sheep they are given to watch, not to deliver speeches whatever the context. It is a demanding, twenty-four hour, on call job which may or may not pay enough to support the pastor much less a family. Sermons and homilies are a part of the job, but they are only a part of the whole job.

As pastors, we need to remember what the word "pastor" actually means, and the picture it is meant to evoke.

Classic WoW Tips I've learned

So, with the launch of Classic WoW on the 27th, I wanted to post a few tips I've gleaned.

1) This is not BFA or anything post-Cataclysm. You won't level to 60 in a week. Don't expect to.

2) Professions matter. If you play a warrior or a paladin, be a blacksmith/miner. If you're a rogue/druid/shaman/hunter be a leatherworker/skinner. If you're a mage/warlock/priest be a tailor/enchanter.It's the only way to have a reliable source of level appropriate armor. Quest armor isn't reliable and may not be usable by your class. Alchemy/herbalism can be a godsend for the potions. Your secondary professions can save your life with food and bandages. Also, professions are the only reliable way to make gold by selling raw materials and finished items on the Auction House. High level mining is especially lucrative.

3) Don't expect to be able to level five or ten levels in a single zone. You're going to be doing a lot of traveling from one end of a continent to another, most of it on foot until level 40.

4) In general, playing Classic WoW isn't about the endgame like it is in BFA and everything post-Cataclysm. It's all about the journey. Don't rush it. You'll have much more satisfying experience if you take your time, read the quests (you have to to find your quest objectives), and just immerse yourself.

5) Prepare to be poor until you figure out the Auction House. Once you do, be reasonable about your listing prices. Gold does not flow freely. A level 10 item will not sell for 10 gold because no level 10s will have 10 gold on them. They probably won't have 1 gold on them.

6) Visit your trainer every time you level, or at least every other level, and be prepared to pay for it. Spells and skills are not just handed to you.

7) Where professions are concerned, you will only be able to reliably find trainers up through journeyman in the cities. Expert trainers are located in only one capital city, and it varies with the trainer. Artisan trainers are located in random places throughout the world. If you have trouble finding one, PM me. I might know where it is for either Alliance or Horde.

8) Dungeons and their entry points are crawling with elites (expect difficulty at least 10 levels above what their level # says). Don't expect to just be able to walk into a dungeon that's for ten levels below you with shoddy gear like in BFA. You will die. Don't walk into a dungeon at all without a healer and a tank and expect to make it past the point of entry. It's not going to happen.

9) Each class has it's own use, and each class is useful for somethings and horrible at others. If you're going up against demons and undead, you want a paladin with you. Mage portals and conjure food can make life a lot easier. No one pvp's like a rogue. Priests are efficient and extraordinary healers. Druids are great jack of all trades and can fill any number of roles; a fully spec'd and geared druid is no joke and can be your best friend in a dungeon.

10) You're not bound by your chosen specialization. A holy paladin can tank and a protection paladin can heal. The talent trees aren't locked to a spec. You can put talents into multiple specs for something custom, and I recommend you do at least for leveling.

11) In pvp servers, cities are not generally safe. You will frequently find rogues ganking players for fun in the opposite faction's city. "Safer" cities to place your hearthstone tend to be Darnassus for the Alliance and Thunderbluff for the Horde because they're harder and more time consuming to get to. Stormwind and Orgrimmar are likely going to be under constant attack.

12) Guilds matter. You will have a much easier time playing with others than soloing. This is not a game meant to be played alone.

Finally, remember, it's about the journey, not the destination. You're in the game to relax, have fun, and make friends. A favor done for a stranger can lead to a good gaming buddy, and being a jerk can lead to people actively hunting you and celebrating your corpse in the middle of Stormwind.

Good adventuring!

About Remaining in Christ and How you Feel

There is this insane idea that if you are remaining in Christ you won't be sad, depressed, or frustrated. Here's the thing, when you are remaining in Christ, there are times when you may share in His emotions. There are times when He gets angry. There are times when He gets frustrated. There are times when He gets sad. 

A good case in point is the Garden of Gethsemane where Jesus began to sweat blood. This is a condition known as Hematidrosis which occurs under extreme stress. Know what causes extreme stress? Fear. Did this mean that Jesus wasn't trusting the Father? No. He still went to the cross. But His perfectly human fear response was working just as it was intended, and it was a perfectly reasonable thing to be extremely afraid of going through. He did it anyway because of His surrender to the Father working through Him. 

Surrendering to Him doesn't mean the biological responses stop working, or that you won't ever have those fight/flight/feeding/sexual responses ever again. It doesn't mean that you will be floating on a cloud of rapturous joy 24hrs a day either. Look at Mother Theresa and the letters she wrote to her confessor about how there were times she felt as if God had abandoned her, and yet she said that she did what she did because she saw Christ in those she was moved to help. 

It's not about how you feel about it. It's never been about how you feel about it,or even being happy all the time. Most of those Saints we remember suffered immensely. Is it realistic to think that they never got depressed, or went to some very dark places? If Jesus could get so stressed out that He sweat blood because He was afraid of what was coming, if He could cry out on the cross, "My God, My God, why have you abandoned Me?" Should we who are joined to Jesus Christ expect any less? 

If we are sharing His life with Him, if we are surrendering ourselves to Him, then we too will go through this. It's not abnormal, it's not a lack of faith otherwise Jesus Himself could be accused of having a lack of faith, and it's not an aberration. It's perfectly normal. Feeling the fear is normal. Feeling like you've been thrown into a lightless pit is normal. 

Where the rubber meets the road is when you feel the fear, when you sweat blood over it, but you still surrender to Him and get up and move in the direction He's taking you, even if it means your further torture and death. Your biology won't want to go there and will start reacting. It's okay. It's normal. Don't feel guilty about it. Just surrender to Him and keep going, ask Him to do it through you just like He did before. It doesn't mean you're going to feel it any less, but it does mean you're legs will start moving and you'll keep going in the right direction.

More Random Morning Thoughts

So, I've been toying with a term for the Christian life and practice as Paul and John describe it in the New Testament, "Voluntary cooperative possession." It is where Jesus Christ takes control by your permission, and only by your permission, to act and speak through you intertwined with you. Or more accurately, The Father speaks and acts through Christ who then speaks and acts through you, Jesus Christ acting as a mediary connection between the Father and the Christian through the Christian being joined to Christ by baptism, and surrendering the will to Him. An illustration I've used before is of riding in a car on the road with God. God is driving. The second you try and take the wheel and say, "I've got this," God takes His hands off the wheel and says, "okay." That's when the car runs into a tree. We aren't just to be like Christ or to attempt a poor imitation of Him, we are to surrender our own wills and lives to His life within us that He might act and speak through us.

For the Christian, there is one simple question that needs to be asked,"Is it Jesus, or is it me?" That is, "Is it Jesus doing or saying this through me, or did it originate with my own biology, my own desires, fears, attachments, etc?" And if the answer is not Jesus, then that action or saying needs to seriously questioned if not stopped altogether. "Whatever is not from faith is sin." That is, whatever does not originate with Jesus Christ within us, originates with our own malfunctioning biology, malfunctioning fears, aggressions, attachments, etc. Paul wrote several lists or guides to help answer this question in his letters. Anger, lying, envy, jealousy, adultery, etc. are all indicators that the origination point for our words or actions is not Jesus Christ, whereas love (especially love), joy, peace, patience, etc. are indicators that it is. John wrote that whoever says he remains in Christ is obligated to walk just as Jesus Christ walked. That is, if you claim Jesus Christ as the origination point for your actions and words, then your behavior and speech should mirror Jesus Christ's because it is Jesus Christ doing it.

One of the things I hear and read frequently in response to what I've said about remaining in and surrendering to Jesus Christ is "the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak" and the context is usually trying to provide an excuse as to why someone doesn't or doesn't need to. While it is true that remaining in Christ is a discipline which takes practice, for the Christian, I don't believe it to be optional. Neither Paul nor John, nor even Jesus Himself ever described it as being optional, and Jesus Himself said in John 15 that those who did not remain in Him would dry up and be burned like dead branches. Either we, as Christians, surrender to His life within us and through us, or we don't. Either we continue to pursue Him, stumbling along the way, yes, but always getting back up and continuing the race, or we don't. And if we don't, we are described by John as not knowing Him. If you are baptized into Christ, you are on the racetrack one way or the other. Either you continue to run, or you sit on the track and are disqualified.

Yoda said, "there is no try." In many ways, this applies to remaining in and surrendering to Christ. There really isn't an "I'll try." It's a conscious decision to ask Him to act, speak, love, and live through you. And once you do, it's a conscious decision to cede control to Him. There is no "try" on our part. There is only the choice to cede control to Him or not.

The rule for the Christian is not what is "law" but what is love. It is not what is "legal" but what is compassionate. The rule for the Christian asks not "what if it were me?" But "What if it was Jesus?"

For the Christian, there is no other but Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ within and Jesus Christ without. Jesus Christ acting and speaking through me, and Jesus Christ to whom I am speaking and acting. Jesus Christ in front of me, and Jesus Christ behind me. Jesus Christ to my right, and Jesus Christ to me left. Jesus Christ above, and Jesus Christ below. There is no "other", there is no "self," there is no life but Jesus Christ, and there is no death, there is only Jesus Christ. In everything and in every way, at every turn, no matter which way you turn, unless you choose to ignore Him, unless you willfully close your eyes to Him, you will see Him staring back at you. This is what it means to be Christian. Nothing less.

My Thoughts This Morning

I was commenting on a post yesterday that was discussing the moral dissonance between Christian missionaries overseas breaking immigration laws in other countries and the condemnation of some Christian communities of refugees fleeing violence and poverty doing the same here (often the same communities supporting the aforementioned missionaries). It was a good reminder that morality, "good and evil," is ultimately arbitrary to the individual expressing it.

It is a known anthropological fact that there are very few moral universals among human cultures including the condemnation of unjustifiable homicide (in some form), incest (in some form), and public nudity (in some form). What can be "good" and honorable in one culture and society is criminal in another, sometimes even within the same society but between two different castes or classes of people.

It has been my opinion that this is due to an inherent neuropsychological malfunction in homo sapiens which occurred about 70,000 years ago due to our ancestors' consumption of a neurotoxic fruit which had severe neurological repercussions for not only themselves but all of their descendants. This is also why ideas about morality and cultural rules and legislation can only at best constrain behavior, and at worst provoke an antithetical response as the individual determines whether or not they agree with or disagree with the arbitrary moral constraint.

The Gospel of Jesus Christ has nothing to do with moral constraints. It is not a code or regulation designed to restrain an individual from harming themselves or others, and Paul states in his letter to the Romans that any such constraints only provoke a disordered response from an individual. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is about bypassing the malfunctioning part of our neurology altogether through union with and cooperation with Jesus Christ Himself. This requires deliberately suppressing our natural inclination to moral judgment, and deliberately and consistently turning over control of our behaviors to Him on a moment by moment, decision by decision basis, and removing anything from our lives that interferes with this.

Attachments to objects, relationships, ideas, etc. leads to a fear of loss which triggers moral judgment about the loss. Guilt, shame, and grief are produced from this moral judgment. Our self-justifications and falsehoods we tell ourselves about our behaviors are also products of this moral judgment as the psyche attempts to defend itself. We build up illusions about ourselves and the world around us based on these self-justifications. In short, everything which causes us emotional and mental suffering, and almost everything which functions as a root of psychopathy, is directly or indirectly related to this hardwired need to determine that something is "good" or "evil"and to convince one's own psyche that it is not "evil."

Everything Jesus taught, especially his conditions of discipleship, were essentially about letting go of anything which would trigger this, and instead embracing compassion and love for the other person next to you up to and including sacrificing your own life for them just as He did for us. Things like retaliation, judgment, and hatred were prohibited for His disciples. Things like compassion, mercy, kindness, and self-sacrifice were prescribed. Hypocrisy by religious leadership was mocked and ridiculed by Jesus Christ Himself.

These are my thoughts this morning.