Apology

Technically speaking, an “apology” has nothing to do with saying you're sorry. The word “apology” comes from ancient Greek and means the argument you use to defend yourself in court. This is why Plato's dialogue of Socrates' defense at his trial in Athens is called “The Apology.” So, I suppose this is the best description I can come up with for this piece.

I've been debating about how to write this or address this subject. Recently I read a blog post written by a friend of my wife's who is a missionary in Eastern Europe. In it he talked about his struggle with a genetic disorder he and his son suffer from which causes extreme sensitivity to chemicals. As a result, he is in almost constant pain and can only barely take a personal part in the mission he is leading. And yet through his suffering the Lord is working great things.

My biggest concern is that in sharing my own suffering, it will be misunderstood and ridiculed or worse. I suppose it shouldn't matter, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier. Unlike my wife's friend, my suffering really has little to do with physical problems, but rather with my lack of paying employment, or means to get and keep a stable income. If I had a nickel for every time a friend or family member looked down their nose at me and told me to just get a job with their eyes if not their mouths we certainly wouldn't be hurting financially as bad as we are. It was even one of the issues raised by my former bishop when he suspended me from active ministry.

There are times when I feel like everyone I know is judging me. Whether this is true or not I don't know. I haven't had a regular job since I became sick with a bad lung infection in April of 2009 and had to quit the one I had. The Lord let us know after I lost my job at the children's home in January of 2011 that neither Heidi nor I would have a regular paying job again. We thought that would mean we needed to become self-employed, and so we tried to go that route making and selling things. No, it didn't work out.

In spite of this, the Lord has pulled off some pretty amazing things in our lives and demonstrated repeatedly that He has been with us and behind us the entire time. I have chronicled those events enough in both my blog and my Facebook account to where I shouldn't have to repeat them here.

What I can't seem to convince anyone of is that this isn't the way I wanted it or want it to be. No matter how hard I try, no matter how many applications I fill out, I can't get anyone to hire me to save my life. And, recently, the two jobs which have hired me on only lasted a matter of days; all the days combined totaled about a week or two. From when we lived in Tennessee, Idaho, Arizona, and now having broken down in Arkansas since last September (it is now the end of May) I have lost count of how many application forms both paper and online which I have filled out, taken tests for, sent away for transcripts and other paperwork, and prayed over. My wife and I have even tried to start a business. I collected and published my online blog posts into a book, hoping to get some income that way. All of which was to no avail.

There are those who have told me that I should lie on my resumes or applications. That I should omit things, or invent things to say to make an employer more likely to hire me. They may be perfectly able to do that. I'm not. For one, I'm a horrible liar. I haven't done it since I was a kid, nor do I want to start again. Even when I just try to keep things to myself I eventually end up telling the person concerned anyway. For two, I still have to answer to the Lord for what I do, and I can't justify lying for any reason

My most recent employment at a chicken processing plant in Oklahoma lasted a little less than two weeks. I knew going into it that it likely wouldn't last long. It was an hour and a half away in Oklahoma and my only ride was my cousin, who doesn't have a great employment track record himself. Sure enough, my third night of work my cousin calls and lets me know he can't make it home to get me in time to make it to work. The next week, he has to leave two hours early to make it to a test for work, and encourages me to call in. When I say I'll go with him anyway and sit, he comes back later and lets me know that he has to run his girlfriend to the hospital and I still have to call in. The next few days after that I come down with a bad cold and when I call to let them know, they tell me I can't return to work without a doctor's note. Before I even get the chance to try and work out how to acquire one, my cousin's car dies completely and he sells it for scrap, so then neither of us have either a job or a way to go get one.

Here's the thing, I hate this. Let me repeat it so that no one has any misunderstanding. I am not dancing for joy about it. I am not coming up with ways to avoid work. I am not going to the government to see how much money I can get out of them so I don't have to work. I HATE this, and I always have. I hate having to just sit and wait to see who is going to feel sorry for us next. I hate not being able to pay my debts. I hate having to have periods where all my family and I have to eat are rice and beans. I hate having to live off of the charity of others. But no matter how much I hate these things, no matter how many people condemn me for them, no matter how many people turn their backs on us because they don't believe the Lord could possibly have anything to do with it, there is nothing I can do about it. No matter how hard I fight against it, I cannot change it.

I have prayed, and I have complained, and I have railed at God about it. Recently, I was loudly and vociferously doing just this while I was walking down the road only to realize that some neighbors were staring at me from their front yard as though I was insane. I quickly walked down the road and out of their sight.

God answers my prayers, He just doesn't say “yes” to the ones I pray about this. And when He does, it only seems to be to prove a point, like with the aforementioned chicken plant. When I ask that we would all have a good day, He provides a good day for all of us. When I ask for more food, He provides more food in one way or another. When I ask Him to protect us from everything which would harm us, He does so dramatically at times. When I pray for other people, I can sometimes track their progress by the days when I pray for them and when I don't. When I ask for some kind of a steady income, or to be able to pay back our debts, or a paying job, He says “no.”

We are without income from employment. We are without a supportive home church. I was suspended from my diocese. And we have watched as one by one, those friends who seemed to be supportive of us at first have dropped away as things didn't go the way they thought they should have. Lately, I haven't even been able to post on my blog on any kind of a regular basis, and have had to just post thoughts and random tidbits on Facebook. If we are making any kind of a difference or being useful to Him in this fashion, we aren't allowed to see the fruit of it.

Oddly enough, in spite of all of this, our children seem to be doing well, both socially and academically. Our family is close, and we enjoy each other's company. Our marriage is strong. As much as we can, when we can we try to help those around us that we can. God is indeed protecting us in spite of the circumstances. We've jumped off of metaphorical cliff after metaphorical cliff each time the Lord has said “jump!” And we are still here. Shaken up maybe, but still here.

I wish I could see what God is using us for, or what He is doing through us. But He won't let us see it, so I have nothing positive in this respect to report about. I suppose if I did, it would be a source or temptation to pride, which would explain why He keeps it from us. I'm not the strongest of men when it comes to temptation. I'm certainly not a Saint, and I keep that in mind daily. But I have to believe that there is a purpose to all of this, and that His promises of a future and a hope for us are not empty regardless of how hard it becomes for us.

The suffering God has us go through to glorify Himself isn't always what we think it should be. Nor is it always recognizable for what it is. I pray, and I read the Scriptures, and the passages the Lord keeps bringing to my attention are those in which Paul says things like he has become the offscouring of the world, and he is shamed but the church to whom he's writing is honored. The Lord continuously reminds me of the suffering of those who followed Him in the Scriptures, and how bad it was, not to mention the suffering of His Saints throughout the centuries.

But their suffering always seemed different. They always seemed to be suffering for the Lord, suffering for their work or their mission. There always seemed to be a noble purpose to it. Maybe that's just twenty-twenty hindsight. I'm not sure how noble St. Ignatius of Loyola felt when he was thrown in prison for vagrancy or verbally abused by a local priest because of his choice to live as a beggar.

I hate living off of the charity of others. I don't want to be the one to receive, but the one to give. It offends me. I feel like a failure as a father, and as a husband. It certainly offends my pride and makes me feel less than. But then, maybe that's the whole point behind it.

So, such as it is, this is my apology.

A Ramble about Renunciation

I wish I had some clever story or some clever allusion to a sci-fi movie or television show for this one. But I don't. I'm sure that one exists somewhere, but I can't think of one right now, and that's not what engendered this line of thought. Now that I think about why I started writing this down, there really wasn't a straight path to it.

I started off by reading a short work from the Philokalia by St. Gregory Palamas from the fourteenth century. Then on a sudden inspiration, I looked again at Acts 2:42-47 (in English even, go figure), and came to realize something about the Acts 2 Church. The Acts 2 Church practiced what the Orthodox monks of the mountains and the deserts wrote about in the various works of the Philokalia; namely regular Sacraments, voluntary poverty, self-control, and obedience to the Apostolic teaching. And then I came to see something that I know I've seen before in passing as though out of the corner of my eye (and even wrote about). This time it slapped me upside the head. Besides the Sacraments, everything they practiced was a form of renunciation.

When the wheels in my head started grinding to life and began smoking from disuse, it dawned on me that almost everything which Jesus taught and the Apostles taught and practiced could in fact be distilled down to this single concept: renunciation. The letting go or abandonment of the things you hold on to. It doesn't have to mean physically separating yourself from them as much as it means they no longer have a hold over you. Think of it this way, an alcoholic, in order to become healthy must renounce his alcohol because it stands in the way of his health (among other things). A drug addict must renounce his drugs. A mortally obese person must renounce his gluttony (assuming there is no genetic problem). And so on. Jesus told us to go further than this because we have addictions and dependencies which stand in the way of a healthy growth towards union with God, and we are so inebriated with them that we don't even know that they are there. Renunciation colors and covers everything in the Christian practice which Jesus and His Apostles taught.

“Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and then all these things will be placed before you,” means to renounce everything else, all of one's addictions, desires, and everything to which one clings. Only when you are no longer ruled by such things can they be safely placed in front of you. Jesus promised that if we asked anything in His Name He would do it, but God can't safely put anything in front of us that we would cling to or abuse any more than a responsible friend would offer a glass of wine or even Listerine to a severe alcoholic (Listerine is 40 proof or so). We have to renounce our dependence on them first. We must seek union with God through renunciation first.

God loves us and is on our side, but we feel like He is cruel and mean just like the addict feels like the person withholding the onject of his addiction is cruel and mean. God knows it will do us no good to give us what we crave. We must first detox and renounce our dependencies and addictions. Only then can God place anything in front of us safely. This is why what weakens us makes us stronger, because it faciliatates renunciation.

This applies to forgiveness as well. We must renounce those things owed us before He will renounce what we owe Him. Jesus said as much again and again, but directly and even addressing parables to it in the Gospels, even within the same Gospel. Let's face it, holding grudges can be an addiction, and we can even draw our identity from the person whom we hold grudges against. Jesus tells us to renounce those grudges.

The Kingdom of Heaven/God is entered through renunciation. This is why it is only with difficulty a rich person may enter. The more possessions you hold on to, the harder it is to renounce them. Everything He said pertaining to the Kingdom in His parables involved renouncing something; personal possessions, relationships, grudges, one's own psyche, etc. Poverty, self-control, and obedience are all forms of renunciation. With voluntary poverty we renounce personal possessions. With self-control we renounce gluttony and all forms of unchaste or intemperate behavior as it pertains to bodily needs or desires. With obedience we renounce our own self-esteem to follow the rule of another. Without renunciation, there is no Christian practice or discipleship. Crucifying one's own psyche along with the passions and desires means total renunciation of everything in one's life. It's the renunciation of everything which makes you “you.”

Even love, agape, itself is a form of renunciation because when we practice agape we are in fact renouncing all judgment against that person. We are renouncing all animosity towards that person. We are renouncing whatever resources which may be in our possession in order to assist that person. Ultimately when we practice agape we are renouncing our very selves and self-centeredness in favor of what is best for the other person.

Renunciation doesn't require isolating oneself in the desert or on a mountain, though this might certainly facilitate renunciation. It requires keeping one's focus on Jesus Christ, and on everything about Him. Remembering one's death and judgment by Him will facilitate this as well.

Renunciation will look different for each person, because each person has different addictions and dependencies. One person may need to go off alone in the desert in order to fully renounce everything. Another may be able to be surrounded by wealth and not have it touch him, but may instead fall prey to some other addiction. It depends on the person, and so there is no one model which will work for everyone. Rather, one's renunciation can be determined by the fruit which he produces, not by the trash which surrounds him. If his life begins to look like Jesus' life then that person is in fact remaining in Him just as John said he would (1 John 2:6).

Finally, and for this reason, renunciation is not, nor was ever intended to be popular. Jesus lived His entire life, according to the Gospels, in renunciation. He was homeless. He and His disciples were provided for by the charity of three women rather than good jobs or investments. Most of the time, those He preached to had no idea what He was talking about, and of those that did fewer still actually followed His teaching. His renunciation cost Him everything from this world which we would hold on to. His disciples fared no better, and neither did the saints throughout history. Think of St. Francis of Assisi, or Ignatius of Loyola for example. Read their biographies. Picking up the cross and following Him means renunciation and all that goes with it.

By way of explanation

I wanted to post a quick note and explain why I've been so silent for a couple of months. In short, my only internet access has been my cell phone. Normally, I would write out a Ramble on my laptop and copy and paste it to my blog when I was able. I haven't had the ability to get to a WiFi point with my laptop now since March. My family and I are pretty well stuck at my uncle's place in backwoods Arkansas without a vehicle for reasons that are beyond our control. We are currently praying to be able to move on from here and to continue in the purpose God had us set out from Arizona in the first place. We would appreciate your prayers in this as well.u right I appreciate the kind comments which have been posted, but. my phone isn't lettiing me replyrightnowmy. email address is teddybairs1@gmail.com if you would like a response to your questions. Thank you.